Thursday, February 19, 2015

Today Was Just A Bad Day

There are day that are easier than others. And then, there are days like today, where I just lose it.

I remember having these feelings of breaking when I only had one kid. One kid, who was 'normal', a husband, and money to pay bills. I was just a stay at home mom, with a pretty ordinary life. But even then, I remember feeling like I would just snap.

And now, here I am, a full time, single mom with 2 kids, one that is handicap, a full-time nursing student and I stress about bills and money, every day.

Today was just a bad day.

I love the days when I can wake up, so grateful that my little boy is healthy and alive. That he has accomplished so many things and overcome so many things, in his short little life. I love the days where I just look at him, and all of my troubles disappear. I love the days when he can hit and scream and pull my hair and beat me, and I am still full of love for him.

Today was just a bad day.

I don't know what the future holds. I wish that there was a guide book to how my kid will grow and what he be able to do. There are no answers to when he will calm down, speak words, be potty trained.....
Will he ever stop hitting?
Will he ever stop screaming?
Will he ever be any better than this?

I am stuck at this point right now, where nothing is changing with him. Its just difficult, 95% of the time. And I know that there is no possible way that I could ever keep this up.

Today was just a bad day.



Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Life and Death

As I sit at the death bed of a stranger, holding her hand, watching if each breath is her last, I wonder:

What was her life like?
Who was she? Did she love?
Did she really live?
Did she suffer tragedy?
Did she do all that she wanted in this life?
And why was she alone?


My God, I hope that on my death bed, I am surrounded by my family. My people. The ones that know me and my life. That they celebrate my life, who I was....what I was.

I hope on my death bed, that if I am with a stranger, that she will hold my hand, tell me that everything will be ok, and that I can let go.

And I hope that she will wonder that same things about me.....and that she will go and live.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

This Life

Lately, I am at my end. It is a struggle to be out of patience and grace all the time. 

It is also a struggle to see your child suffering and not be able to help.


Lucas has always been a difficult child. But as he grows and changes, so does his challenges.
As an infant, he was extremely difficult, medically. But he was the easiest, happiest, sweetest baby. Because his health was so fragile, we were in and out of doctors offices a couple times a week, every week, every month. It was exhausting. But his sweet disposition and mellowness made it ok.

As he became healthier, different challenges arose. He became mobile, which brought on a whole new set of challenges for him, along with a vast array of therapies. But his demeanor was still so sweet, that is was ok.

But here we are now, age 5. He is mobile, fast as lightening, and a wanderer. He has wants and desires and needs that he can not communicate. He does not understand so many important, necessary things that go on daily in our house. When he was smaller, he was so pleasant and happy.... but things are different now. He is not that constantly sweet little boy. He is a frustrated, misunderstood, hurting from somewhere I can't understand, child. He is violent, strong and self abusive. His self abuse is becoming so bad lately, that the once open palmed smacks to his head have turned into closed fist punches to his eye and forehead.

There are times, still quite plentiful, where my sweet Lucas is just that. He is gentle and loving and he can belly laugh like no other. But those times are becoming fewer and far between. And I miss that gentle, sweet boy so very badly.

There are more and more times when he is refusing to walk, throwing himself on the ground, hitting anyone or anything around him, pulling hair, punching himself, throwing toys or food or whatever is in his grasp. And I just can't take it anymore. I can't. There has to be something that we can do to help him. There has to be something that we can do to get him to a better place. Because if this continues for a couple more years, I'm am so scared what our lives will be like. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time, too. From having to neglect Joshua because Lucas gets all of the attention. What kind of life am I putting him through? He doesn't deserve to be yelled at because mom is frustrated. He doesn't deserve to be ignored because I need quiet time alone. And he doesn't deserve to be hit and hurt by his little brother.

I have made the call to talk with his pediatrician soon. We need to figure out something to help this boy, and help my family. Whether its diet related, partial seizures, inner ear problems, migraine headaches, gastrointestinal problems or just his development...there needs to be a change before I have a nervous breakdown.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

A slight change of plans

For the last three years, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. One thing remained constant in all of it, I was happy. I had a freedom that had never existed and with that came happiness. Pure and simple. No matter what was thrown my way, I've been happy living here in NY with my boys. So over the course of these three years, I have changed jobs, had a couple boyfriends and started college towards my dream job. I can honestly say that I was the happiest person I had known, even through the hard times, the struggles and the tears.

Then came August. The start of my senior year of nursing school and the dreaded third semester. I had embraced the fact that my social life was over and that I would lose time with my kids and
family. I had even dropped down to one night of work a week to compensate for my life being devoted to nursing school. But every single day since the semester began, I was miserable. So utterly stressed and scared and exhausted. I was a mess. I was saying every day, 'I hate my life'. I was crying leaving my clinical's at the hospital, something that I had fallen in love with over the last year and a half of school. Our semesters are 8 weeks long and for the weeks leading up until the end of clinical, I had a feeling of doom. I said numerous times that I didn't think that I was going to make it through. It wasn't me feeling negative, it was the truth. Even after our last clinical, I knew my instructor wasn't going to pass me. And I was right. She failed me from clinical. My paperwork wasn't perfect for a few weeks in a row and she felt that I was unprepared coming into clinical a few times. And so, she failed me. Not because of grades. Not because she didn't think I would be a good nurse. But because my paper work wasn't perfect. I can honestly say that if I had any other instructor, I would have been 100% fine and would have passed.

{Side note: our half of the senior class started with 21. It ended Friday with 10. Our 2-year community college RN program is no freaking joke. Just thought you should know that.}

So after 8 weeks of being sad, miserable, and crying more than I have ever cried, I was out. And after a few more days of freaking out about what I would do with my life, I realized I was happy. I haven't once said that I hate my life. I haven't cried, or had any eye twitch. I have spent time loving on my children and being a mom. I have laughed. I have been smiling. I have been sleeping.

So now, I have to come up with a plan. I have wanted to be a nurse for years. I knew deep down that this was the right job for me. But after my experience with my instructor, I started doubting that. She had made me doubt everything I believed about myself and this career path. So now I am sorting out my feelings of hatred towards my instructor with the love I had for nursing and trying not to mix the two.

I have been embarrassed that I had failed. I am scared about my future, my parents future and what I will do for my children. But I am so beyond lucky to have incredible parents who are still proud of me and love me and want us here with them. They are so supportive, which I am so completely grateful. I am preparing to reapply for the next fall term, starting my senior year over again. Hopefully they'll accept me and I will come back recharged and not have that instructor again! Until then, I am still figuring that out. I have been able to run again and get off my butt and go to the gym. I've had lunch with friends and I'll be back to work a little more. I might even find a part time day job.

So there it is. All on the table.

I even had time for these ----->


 

Monday, July 8, 2013

A Different Life

In this crazy life that I lead, I am usually swamped. During my semesters at school, I try to juggle being a mom to two very unique children, I try to tread water and survive nursing school, and I try to pay my bills. Its hard to find time to have a social life, spend time with friends, and keep friendships that I treasure that are across the country.  Somehow, I manage it and I have been, semi-successful.

But for a brief period in my year, I am given a little glance at something different. Its a time where I get to be someone else other than 'mom'. My children go and visit their father and grandparents in Washington state and I am here, with no school and no major responsibilities. So for the past 2 weeks, I have been a nomad, a wanderer, a single mom with no one to mother. It is liberating. It is freeing. It is empty.

I treasure this time away because it gives me a chance to relax and focus on myself. But at the same time, its extremely difficult. I do not have a great relationship with that family which is challenging. My ex-husband doesn't participate with his children throughout the year, so it s heartbreaking to send my kids to him, especially Lucas. They don't know him, he doesn't know them. Which makes Joshua's job as big brother, even more work. (Which just deepens my faith that he will become a phenomenal man someday!) So while I try and relax and live a carefree life, I worry about them, miss them like crazy, and can't wait for them to get back to NY.

So what I have been doing for the last almost 3 weeks, you ask? Well, to be honest..... I've slept. A LOT. I had great plans of doing lots of running and laying in the sun. But neither of those things even happened. I have spent time with friends, made new friendships, met old friends, learned to love wine, got a new tattoo, house/dog sat, traveled around the area and slept. A lot. Its been refreshing and relaxing and a lot of fun. I have been able to remember what life was like before I had children. Its been nice actually, but boring. Those boys are sooooo much work. Its unbelievable how much work. But Oh My God, I love them. They make my heart flutter, and beat to a rhythm I had never felt before. Loving another human without any selfish reason is incredible and what makes us, humans!

So, I have thoroughly enjoyed my single life for the last couple weeks, but its time for them to come home. I am a girl who longs for schedules and routines and plans, and I am ready to get back on track. I am ready to hug my babies and have them home safe with me. I am ready for chaos and yelling and messes and cooking and bedtimes and car seats and laundry. UGH laundry. Gross.





Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Words to remember....

Recently, I have been surrounded by such encouraging relationships that have been helping me become a better parent. It makes me wish that I had these relationships from the beginning when Lucas was born. So, if at all possible, I want to be that 'someone', for someone else.


I sent this to a friend the other day hoping to encourage her, but in turn, it encouraged me.

Her baby is having surgery soon and she said it would be like starting over. This was my reply:

It will be. And then, you'll handle it perfectly and relearn. It'll always be one step forward, two steps back. But 100% honest (and now I'm crying), that one step forward, no mater how big or small, will blow you away. You'll celebrate it like other parents can't even imagine!

Simple meaningless things will matter! And it'll change you're life in the best ways!!

Right now my frustration is with seeing the people I was pregnant with on Facebook, with their 5 year olds, getting ready for kindergarten. They can do everything, and we are soo far behind. It's been one of the hardest things to deal with over the years:

Comparing.

I go through phases with it. Sometimes it's no big deal, and other times I'm sad or just plain angry.

But, she {her daughter} will love. Love so strong, without inhibitions, fear or conditions. She will be happy with one friend or 12, or even, just you. The things in life that mean the most to us, sometimes, won't even have a part for her (or Lucas); and it makes us sad because we hold it so important. But that's not what life is sometimes. Life is about living to the fullest. Loving who you are and what you are doing! She will have that. She will have joy from the simplest pleasures in life.

My kid freaks out over ceiling fans. Like, loves them more than almost anything. And that to him is important. And that changes my life!! Now, I love ceiling fans too, and running water. It's the purest joy and it is absolutely incredible.

But there will be times of sadness, and disappointment. But honestly, I think its just what us parents go through, not the kids.




I will read this time and time again, and I will use these words to calm my fears and to encourage me when I'm feeling discouraged. I hope that it helped her and that it will somehow be words that she will always keep in her heart.

Being a parent to a child with disabilities is so hard. There are days when I just want to crawl in bed and cry and hide away. I am exhausted from everyday life, changing diapers every single day for the past 7 1/2 years, dealing with specialists and medications, therapies and school, and the other million things. But it is also the most rewarding job. One little smile from your child can change your entire day. One little 'move' that he's been working on for months in therapy, can make your horrible week worth every second. And a hug instead of a hit in the face, makes all of the hits in the face, OK.

I've always wondered my purpose in life. I never had a real career path, until I was forced into a finding a job after my divorce. I feel like I have chosen the right path, but it wasn't something that has come easy for me. But what I have recently discovered is that I was made to be my son's mom. I know that every parents says that about their children, and it's true.
 I never knew why I was here until now....and it is an incredible feeling. <3 p="">

Monday, September 10, 2012

Our Crazy Life

I just wanted to write a little update on our lives right now. Things are crazy. More crazy than usual, because lets face it, we're always crazy over here in this house!

So, I got the fan-freakin-tastic news that I was accepted into the RN program here a few months ago, and I took a nice little break this summer in preparation for the chaos that would ensue this fall. Getting in to the program here is a huge deal. It is highly competitive, 48 spots with over 300 applicants. You really have to be prepared and on your game and well, I've been working towards this for about a year and a half.
--Anyway, I am in my third week and it. is. brutal. I am quite worried about the stress that I will be under, let alone trying to raise my boys and work.... but this is what I've been working towards so I'll do what I gotta do.

Speaking of work, I got a new job. It has been weird adjusting from 12 hours a week to 30+ and starting school. But I can handle anything, right? Ha, yeah.

Joshua started a new school this fall. He is going to Faith Fellowship Christian School. My almamatter. I am excited for him because he really needs that love and support that a public school can't give him. I know that each teacher that is with him, will encourage him and help him succeed. He has my parents and I helping him along this transition, but having even more love and guidance can't hurt, right? So far, he likes it and its fun because he is in school with my friends kids as well. Sort of how I grew up!

Lucas is still at JRC and still has his amazing aide, Kelli. He is receiving speech 5 times a weeks and PT/OT 4 times a week. He is running wild and I am constantly yelling at him to 'slow down' or 'come here' or 'NO, stop'.  Who knew I would ever have to say that to my little man?!
  But because of his constant wandering and mischief I am finding it hard to do anything without being on top of him every second. And I promise you, that is NOT an exaggeration, sadly. So trying to study at all while that monster is awake is impossible.
 
I was offered the assistance of an aide earlier this summer, but it seemed silly and unnecessary. Having another body in the house just wasn't going to be compatible. BUT now.... I'm game. She is coming over to help with Lucas for 2 hours tomorrow, while I study and JP does his homework.
  I feel really guilty about having someone come and help me with my own child. But I guess if Lucas were an average child, he would probably sit and play, or watch a show or know some type of boundary. I am grateful for any help I can get, but slightly ashamed as well.

Anyway, that is it. Wish me luck on this next journey. My 5 year plan has started and I can't wait to see it unfold!!!

Steps for 5 year plan:
Start nursing school
Graduate nursing school
Move to Rochester
Get a great job
Settle into a place with my boys
Get plastic surgery for my 35th birthday (totally happening, FYI)
Find a HOT doctor who is amazing and will be a spectacular step-dad
Live happily ever after....?

Friday, June 8, 2012

A New World

I have always hoped and believed many things for my child.
When I was pregnant with Lucas, I was told he probably wouldn't survive the pregnancy.
I hoped and believed that he would.
I was told that he might not live outside of my womb.
But I hoped and believed that he would.
I was told that he couldn't hear or see us.
But I knew he could. And I believed he'd prove them wrong.
All of those things weren't true. He was born alive, breathed on his own, came out of tests and surgeries and thrived like they told us he wouldn't.
I have kept hoping and believing as the years have gone by. Simple things like; pooping, swallowing, drinking and eating. Little things that you never imagine your baby NOT doing. I remember his first goals in therapy were to look at me and possibly, eventually, smile at me.
And I'll never forget the moment he followed something and the when he first smiled at me. Those moments will last forever.
As Lucas got older, the milestones grow further apart. Seeing progress gets slower and you start to just settle where you're at. We still have goals in therapy, but they are broader and will take much longer to achieve.
Or so I thought.
Lucas got a walker this past summer. It was a a small, little compact walker that was a struggle to use in the beginning. He couldn't turn and didn't look where he was going. But I knew that we had to use it all the time in order for it to serve its purpose. As he started school, the walker was part of his everyday routine. Mommy wasn't there to carry him and help him navigagte as much, and so, he learned to use it on his own. And quite well actually. The little bugger can basically run in it now!
But in all honesty, I never imagined Lucas without a walker. When I looked ahead at his life, I saw him as a teenager with a walker. I saw him talking, and doing every day tasks on his own. But I just never pictured him walking without assistance.
Here is where I have failed. Did I not hope and believe what I should have been? I feel strange and sad, that I never gave him that dream or allowed myself to even think to that point. Because you know what?

LUCAS WALKS ON HIS OWN
It has been an amazing few months watching Lucas learn this new world of exploration. Every time I see him walk, it still blows me away. I am beyond proud. What a miracle.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Simple words

There are days where I doubt everything.

There are days when I don't know what I am doing; how I'm going to make it another day; how I'm going to handle this life that I live.

I struggle with being scared.
I struggle with having enough strength.
I struggle with being able to be alone.

But there are days....and there are weeks, when I am thrown back by the words of my friends and family. I am so lucky to have people in my life who speak words of kindness and encouragement to me that help me get through the simplest, and the hardest days. I don't know if they realize what an impact their words have on me, but they keep me going. They help hold my head high. They carry me when I feel like I am falling.

Sometimes its the simple words.

I was speaking with my best friend and I was amazed at a girl that balances full time nursing school, work and coaching a lacrosse team. I just didn't understand how she was able to handle it all and I just thought she was amazing. Jenni said to me: People say that about you ALL the time, Rachel.
    --- those are words that give me encouragement.

Yesterday I received a text message from a friend. We don't talk on the phone or text very much, so this meant a little bit more to me. It said: I've been having a rough week and thought of you and all that you've overcome. Just wanted you to know you're an inspiration.
  ---those are words that lift me up and keep me going.

Then, there are statements like this:
Relaxing day with my friend, Rachel and her sweet boys. Many of us are moms and face the nitty gritty of all that it requires. I admire this amazing momma for the extra challenges she faces. She doesn't say it is easy but she makes it look so. This is a standing ovation to all you moms with special needs kids, all the time and energy you pour out that the rest of us take for granted. Those two boys are blessed beyond measure. Lucas is a treasure and his big brother is so sweet with him. You are raising those boys with love and it shows. Love ya, Rach... Admire and respect you.
  ----those are words that make me cry, encourage me, and help me hold my head high!

I am constantly encouraged by my parents who believe in me far beyond anyone. Without their belief in me, I'm not sure I could even continue this path I am on.

I am not sure how I got so lucky with such amazing people who love and support me. But I promise to never take it for granted. Without their encouragement and push, I couldn't make it one day.

So thank you to all who say kind words of encouragement to me. It may be small, but it means the world. My life is a little bit easier because of you! <3

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Happy Easter





We had a fabulous Easter here in NNY. We had a great morning at church and a nice peaceful afternoon at home. Joshua enjoyed his little Easter egg hunt. It was pretty low key. Maybe next year Lucas and Jack will join in and it might be a bit more exciting. But for now, this works just fine!

I asked my dad if he would take a few snap shots for us. He is not a photographer at all, but he does pretty well with my little family. I just tell him to take a ton of photos and I'll find one or two that I like. :-) I always do. The boys grandmother sent them adorable matching outfits and they looked extra handsome!!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Parenthood

Lately, I've been finding myself getting in to some deep discussions of parenthood. As my kids get older and change, I am learning that my outlook on parenthood should change as well. Every kid is different and every parent, so no one can or will ever parent the same way.

My oldest child is a pretty amazing child. He has a lot of great qualities that I am thankful for in him. He is smart and friendly. He can be outgoing and reserved. He loves having friends and being busy. He is handsome and athletic. He is kind and thoughtful.
-- But with these great qualities he has, he is also stubborn and quick to react. He is sneaky and tricky. He is selfish and cocky.

Trying to figure out how to rein in his 'crazy' while teaching him to be a great man is tough. For one reason...he is constantly changing. He is growing and maturing. He is learning the lessons that I'm teaching. He is growing up.

There is also a struggle with raising a son as a single mom. Let's face it, his dad doesn't play a role in his life. I am not super sad that his dad isn't around. I don't think that he would actually teach many life lessons. Good life lessons, anyway. But that leaves the teachings of how to treat a woman to me; How to be brave and strong; How to suck it up and survive.

WAIT A SECOND HERE..... maybe I can teach those things. I have done them all!!!

I want my son to grow up and know that a woman doesn't need a man to take care of her. But that he should.
I want him to know that a woman doesn't need a man to provide for her.
But he should.
I want him to know how to love fully, share his feelings, be strong, kind, thoughtful, generous, confident, outgoing and reserved, athletic and articulate.

I have faith that the lessons I am trying to teach my son will sink in. I know that he will grow up thoughtful, kind and compassionate because of his little brother. I know that he will grow up strong and brave because he doesn't have his dad around. I know that he will grow to respect women because his mom used to live without it.

<3

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

motherhood

I had both sides of the spectrum of motherhood today. I had to punish and ground my 6 year old, and I held a sleepy giggling little 3 year old while he fell asleep. I could not ask for a better job in the world. It takes every ounce of energy and love I have, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I struggle a lot with motherhood though. For instance, last week I came down with a bad cold and felt horrible. I got a call that Lucas' MRI was scheduled for the next morning at 8am...in Rochester. That's a 3 hours drive from home. So I got up and started getting stuff done. Laundry, packing, getting myself together. I was stressed and feeling horrible and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed. But I got in the car and drove to my brothers. In the midst of it, I got frustrated. Bothered. Just plain mad. How can their father just sit in a different state and not do crap? How is that fair? How come I have to deal with all of it alone? He gets one week at Christmas playing around and goofing off and looking like the hero and mom has to punish, force homework, do baths, and daily routines. This is NOT what I signed up for when I got married and decided to have kids.
Now don't get me wrong here. I do NOT want to be with my ex. And I would NEVER go back to what we had. I would take that horrible day from last week, over and over again like Groundhog's day, if I had to pick a life. But still, I struggle with the fact that this is what our life has turned in to.

But I have come to 2 conclusions....

#1. I am beyond lucky to have my parents. For a bagillion reasons.

#2. I am stronger than I even know. I doubt it most of the time, but I am often reminded by people in my life. For some reason, everyone else can see it, except me.

So today I thoroughly enjoyed the giggling little sleepy boy, who later threw a fit on the floor, grunting and hitting his head for 5 minutes; and the misbehaving 6 year old, who wrote letters of apology and went to be like an angel.

No matter what happens in my daily life with these two imperfect-perfect boys of mine, the sickness we all get, the frustrations we all get, the struggles we face each day together: life isn't fair.
But what it is, is the way it should be. I know that we are in the right place at the right time. I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. And that I have enough love to cover both of my boys until the day that I die. <3

Monday, December 5, 2011

Its about time....

So, I am single. Yay.
(Please read that with heavy sarcasm.)

I am sick of being single. I guess I don't really know how to do it. I was with my ex-husband since I was at the young, stupid age of 18. We split when I was 30. Yeah, thats a long feakin time. I wasn't single very long before I started dating Brian. And even though we aren't together anymore, we had a pretty fantastic relationship. He fulfilled so much that I needed in my life at that time. He was supportive and he listened and made me smile everyday. He showed me attention and affection that I had never know while I was married. I know that Brian and I weren't meant to be together, but I am still thankful for him in my life when he was.

But now, here I sit.... alone. I try to figure out why I want a relationship so much. I am surrounded, ALL THE TIME, by people. I have two fabulous kids who I love more than anything. I take care of them, provide, love and encourage. I have two parents in my life everyday, who are my best friends. I share my daily life with them and they with me. They encourage me and love me and support me. They listen and comfort me.

So why do I feel the need for a man?

I have typed and erased quite a bit after asking myself that question. Nothing seemed to fit, but this:

I have love in my heart to give to a man. I lead an amazing and rewarding, but extremely challenging life, that I know only a special man can handle. I want so badly to find him, and give my love to him.

I've been lucky enough to have been through a bad realtionship and a good one (did I just actually say that?), to know what I want AND what I need. Sometimes, those lines get a little foggy, but I still have the list. I wonder if that man is out there? Seriously. Is that even realistic?

So here is the problem. I am extremely impatient. Bad.
Everyone tells me that I can't go searching for love and relationships. But why can't I? I know what I want. I have the list, remember?
Sitting around and waiting for some random man to knock on my door, or grab the same bunch of banana's at the grocery store, or sit next to me on the bus....NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. There are many reasons- people don't go knocking on doors anymore. There are usually like 50 bunches of bananas at the grocery store. The odds of that are ridiculous. And me, ride a bus in Watertown? Ain't gonna happen.


So anyway, this is my blog entry for today.
I want a man. I want to be in love. I want to find the one that will love me and my crazy, insane personality. Someone who wants me to bake them everything, who'll go run with me, hold my hand in the car, notice the little details, sing to me at inappropriate times, make mature decisions with me, make me smile and laugh everyday, no matter what. Someone who will let me be a picky eater, but make me try new things. I want a man who will melt my heart. Someone who will love my boys and understand their unique individual qualities, basically want the mess that is my life.

Is that too much to ask?!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Scatter-Brained

I've been wanting to write a blog lately, but I swear if I did, it would be some crazy concoction of my jumbled thoughts. Um, this should be interesting.

Let me start with a little update in case anyone actually doesn't know what is happening in our lives.

Joshua is doing great. We got off to a rather rocky beginning, but 'nazi-mom' took over and things are actually running pretty smoothly around here and at school. He is seriously becoming the best big brother to L that I could have ever asked for. He is helpful to me with everything and he starting to really turn into a little gentleman... well, one that thinks burps and armpit farts are hilarious and awesome!

Lucas is doing OK. He has been sick for the last 2 weeks or so. He missed school for about 6 days, but he is finally feeling better and is back at school. I stopped in to see him yesterday, his first day back, and he was all smiles. He was having a little dance party with Kelli and she said he was all giggles during therapy that morning. As usual, he is a little cuddle bug, but he is also becoming a little stinker. He has started hitting with excitement and with frustration- which is quite often with a 3 year old unable to communicate. So if you come near L, watch out!

Things with me are.....going. School is on the downward slope and we only have a few weeks left. A stressful few weeks for sure! But I can handle anything, right? Right.

I am not, let me repeat NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. My kids are going to WA without me for an entire week and I am beyond dreading it. I am contemplating drinking the whole week, just to cope. You'd think that I might be excited about a week off with no work, school or kids. But I am NOT. It was miserable being a mile down the road while they were in WA this summer. How the hell am I going to handle being 3000 miles away?? Ahhhh.... I'm freaking out.

ANYWAY, maybe this lame post will get me back into the swing of things with posting again. I really want to write about love and loneliness and waiting, but this isn't the time or the blog. ;-)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

First Days of School 2011

Well, this week marks a brand new adventure for all 3 of us. My days of being a stay at home mom are long behind me. Both my kids are in school and they are no longer my little babies.

Joshua entered first grade! I can't believe my little 5 year old is in first grade!! Time has flown by. We've gotten off to a rocky start this week with switching to a new classroom, new teacher and new friends. But we are hoping that rest and a relaxing weekend will bring a new and great week of school.


Lucas has had his little world turned upside down this week. Our little daily routines at home are gone and replaced with new, earlier, faster ones! He started special education preschool at a local facility. And let me just say, it is awesome! His classroom has a preschool teacher, a special education preschool teacher and is filled with aides. Lucas has a one-to-one aide that is with him all day helping him with his daily tasks. We met her yesterday for the first day, while mommy hung out at preschool too. Her name is Kelli and she is great. I just know that he will be in good hands, getting enough love and hard work to keep him comfortable. While he is in school during the week, Lucas will receive speech therapy daily with the head of the speech department. He will also be receiving PT and OT 4 times a week with the same therapists that we have had since last year. I am beyond excited to watch Lucas learn and grown. Just in the last month or so, he has made leaps and bounds with words and communication. His comprehension has grown and he is even signing about 5 words and picking them up fast! The preschool has an open door policy, which I love. I can pop in whenever I want. I can participate with therapies, or lunch or just hang out. It is so exciting.



My classes are going well too. I am just taking 2 classes and I am not working. They way that my classes and Lab fell, working while the kids were in school wasn't going to happen. So the next few months will be tight, but being home with them at night is worth it! I am taking microbiology this semester and it is going to be tough. But so far, it is pretty neat. The Lab has turned out pretty cool though. We are growing some pretty cool bacteria! Haha.

Our weather has already turned as well. I can't believe how fast it changed. Fall is here and soon...winter. I am NOT ready for it. But at least we can look forward to spring, right?

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Poem #2

I can count thousands of lies that came from your mouth.

I’ll be up by noon. I’ll take out the trash. I’ll vacuum the floors.

Simple lies, they were.


I’ll never cheat on you again I’ll never get drunk again I’ll never ‘almost’ kill you;

again.

They flowed from your mouth like honey.

Every one of them, believable.


I stayed too many years.

I believed too many times.

I told myself too many lies.

He’ll be up by noon he’ll take out the trash he’ll vacuum the floors.

He’ll never cheat on me again. He’ll never get drunk like that again. He’ll never ‘almost’ kill me;

again.

I hate that I loved you.

I hate that I wasted my life with you.

I hate that you are filled with garbage.




I hope you never change.

I hope you always speak lies.

I hope you never have another someone believe the never-ending, backwards, bull shit that comes from your mouth.

For you are undeserving.

you' are worthless.

you' are LIES.

What hurts the most.....

Let me preface this blog entry with a few things. I do not miss my ex-husband. There isn't a thing that comes to mind that I miss about him. And if there were, I would share them.... probably. I am happy with the way my life and my children's lives are going. But, I do miss certain things; like having my own home and a family with in laws and cousins. Which brings me to my entry today. For some time I have been wanting to write my true feelings, but have been hesitant because I really don't want to upset anyone. But at this point in my life, why should I hide my feelings...?

Looking back at what took place in marriage should not surprise any one. If you knew us, you knew that there wasn't much optimism in our marriage and there wasn't much shock as to how it ended. I was NOT surprised about what my husband did to me. And I am pretty sure we all knew it would end this way.
What I am surprised by, and most hurt by, is the way the family has treated me. I honestly thought by now that I would have 'gotten over' this entire thing. But sadly, I am human, and I hurt just like the rest of 'em.
My mother in law and I became good friends when I first moved to WA in 2005. She was the only friend I had and our friendship blossomed over the 5 years that I was there. I considered her one of my best friends and I knew how lucky I was to have her as my mother in law. She was amazing to me and my children over the years. I knew that from the bottom of her heart she loved me and that she would never desert me. In the beginning of 2010, I was struggling with my marriage and doubting if I still loved my husband. She encouraged me to really figure it out and if that if I didn't love him, I should leave. When we did separate, her and my father in law both told me to my face that no matter what happened, 'I would always be their daughter and that they would always love me'.

When I left WA for NY for the summer to figure my life out, I came back to a different family. The family that I was once a part of, was gone. Something happened to them while I was away, something that I will never understand. I came in to a cold, stiff home; to a family that I didn't belong to anymore. Over the course of the next 3 months, I was pushed away and treated so poorly, that I never doubted my decision to stay in WA with my children. I know that if I had been treated as a real daughter, moving across the country would have been completely different and our lives today would be much easier.

I look back on the years that I spent in that family, and I am heart broken. I longed for a close knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins that were connected. A family where we celebrated birthdays and holidays together; where we had game nights and dinners out. When I met this family I made them my own. I loved each one of them and tried my best to bring the family together. I loved every game night and holiday; Christmas', Thanksgivings and Easters. I poured my heart and soul into that family. I even had a favorite cookie list for each and everyone of them so that I could always know what they loved the most. So when it came time for me to leave, I couldn't believe the coldness that I felt.



I wrote this blog entry on Sunday night and saved it for a few days. I've actually written a similar note quite a few times and just never thought it was the right timing. But I received a hateful email from my once beloved mother in law this morning and I know now that it doesn't matter what I say or do. They are oblivious to what really happened and oblivious to what love really means.

I write this blog for myself. Writing helps me communicate. It helps me heal. It helps me live. I am sorry if someone reads my blog and gets offended or angry. It is your choice to read or not to read. I write HONEST feelings and I write what needs to be said.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Summer Fun!

Well, summer is here. Its actually almost over! Which makes me quite sad. But I am excited for the new school year all the same!

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far. The boys and I flew to Washington for 2 weeks so that they could visit with their dad. In the beginning, 2 weeks of a mommy vacation sounded terrific. But as the time came closer, I was dreading it. It was not a carefree 2 weeks that I had anticipated. I was an emotional wreck! I knew that the kids were being taken care of just fine. It was just that I wasn't with them. I didn't know what their daily lives held. It was awful! Completely.
I haven't cried much at all since moving away from Washington. I think maybe once when I really missed my friends. But other than that, there haven't been many tears. But the day that I found out my kids went to my old house where there dad lives with his girlfriend, I sobbed. I hate the fact that he took them there. This was the house we lived in as a family and had our lives together. And now he lives there with his new family. He has changed their rooms and all their stuff. It broke my heart. I know that Joshua doesn't probably think much of it now. But I can only imagine what it might do to him down the road. I struggle with him feeling 'replaced' by this new family. I know that I have been replaced, and quite easily by the looks of things. But seeing my kids replaced is just heart breaking.

Once we got back from WA, we packed up for a road trip to West Virginia! My mothers family was having a reunion and so we trekked on down and had a great weekend with the family. It was great spending time with my brother Joel and his wife Kristen and baby Jack and my parents. And it was a bonus to see the relatives too! We had about 24 hours of driving total over the course of the 5 day weekend and my boys did amazing. And as a bonus, I got a nice tan. :-)


So now we count down until school starts. I start up college in the fall and the boys start a week later. The way that my schedule is working out, I won't be able to fit work in there, so I am going to be on a major budget crunch. Not that I don't 'try' to do that now.....

Joshua is starting first grade. It amazed me that my 5 year old is going into first grade! I can't believe how grown up he is. And now my little baby Lucas is starting school too! That is freaking me out. I will cry. Dang, it'll be bad. He'll be riding the bus to school and spending a full day at preschool. He will have a one-to-one aid with him all day, everyday. She will be helping him with everything from feeding to his therapies and participating in classroom activities. He'll be receiving speech 5 times a week and PT/OT 4 times a week. I can not wait to see the progress he'll make! He is already succeeding with therapies at home being seen half that amount. It's going to be amazing!!!

Well, I will hopefully be updating more often. I have been holding a lot of feelings in lately that need to get out, or they might burst. So be tuned in for that one! LOL

Monday, May 30, 2011

Handling It?

Funny how people say to me that I am 'handling' it so well. Handling it? Yes, I am handling life. Why, what is not handling it?

I'm a wreck today. Life is getting to me. Stress of being a single mom and being alone. I understand that I am not actually alone. I do, in fact, have 2 kids. And I have the help of my parents who do so much for me with my boys. But in reality, I am alone.

I am having a rough time with my boys right now. I know that at every age and stage in life, I will struggle. But Lucas' needs are getting harder and harder. He can't walk, talk or communicate. He throws, hits and pulls hair. He's a happy boy, most of the time and everyone loves him, but there are just times where he is so difficult. It is really getting hard to go places with him, something that I am struggling with on a personal level as well.
I've always been a go-go-go kind of girl. Nothing every really stopped me. I've always traveled with my kids and did whatever I wanted with them. But now, there is a real halt on that. I'm not sure if its a selfish thing on my part and I just need to deal with it; Or if its something that will pass and I will figure out a way to adjust to it. But taking Lucas everywhere is getting to be nearly impossible.

Another part of my emotion is my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy. Period. We are all so happy when we are with him. And He thinks my kids are great. But he doesn't have kids and hasn't really been around kids much at all. So enter.... the 3 of US. First there is me. 31 year old, emotional, college student, single mom, living at home. 5 year old, active, mouthy, CRAZY kid. 2 1/2 year old physically and mentally disabled baby. I know he wants to be with us. But man, I can not imagine being in his shoes. We must be a sight. How he is still around is beyond me. I worry that we are going to just be too much and scare him away. (Even though, deep down I know the truth)

I just don't know what to do. This life I was given, and these choices that I made, sure have lead up to a crazy time. I worry that I won't be able to 'handle it'. I worry that I will be alone. I worry that I won't be able to get a grasp on this parenting thing and fail.

Friday, April 15, 2011

A moment to write. Just a moment to read.

The blood made him snap.

It changed him back to the husband I knew.

It came from the call I tried to make,

The ripping of the phone out of my hands,

As I huddled on the bathroom floor.

Helpless tears came, along with the

Life altering fear that never left my body.

Every drink, no matter if just one;

Brought that same fear back,

Every.single.time.

For six long years.

The names I was called, will never be forgotten.

The moment I thought I might die,

will never be forgotten.

He will never be forgotten.


I've been wanting to write about some experiences I've had over the years ever since I started my English class. We aren't writing, but when I've got something to say, I HAVE to say it.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

What? A boyfriend?

Well, its true. I have a boyfriend! It sounds silly to me. I am 30, a mother of 2 and I have a boyfriend. Haha. I sound 18. But, on the bright side, I feel 18 too.

I wrote a little about him in my last post. His name is Brian. I met him a while ago, before I was EVER interested in having a boyfriend. We met and became really good friends. One of my best friends, actually. Once I moved here, we started to spend time together and our friendship grew. Its was amazing how well we seemed to 'fit'. We understand each other on a level I didn't even know existed. (Gosh, that sounds cheesy.)

B, as we call him around here, is amazing. I won't call him perfect, because he isn't. But there are so many things about him that are so wonderful. I think the most important thing about him, the most wonderful thing, is that he is honest. We talk about everything, no matter what it is. We are honest and straight forward with everything. We are older, and we see what lies ahead of us, so there isn't any use in hiding anything.

It's pretty awesome to have someone in your life who actually thinks you are amazing too. I know he likes me. I know he wants to be with me. Its something that I've never felt before, truthfully. I believe what he says, and that is priceless.

Another thing that is awesome.... he likes my kiddos. We've kept it very casual around them. They just know that he is the fun guy that comes around and plays and wrestles. So they think he's pretty cool too. But with me, comes them. I worried that I would never find someone who would someday, love me for me, and then love my kids individually too. But I didn't even have to search, he just showed up!!

I never knew a relationship could be like this. I never knew I could be so happy. I never knew that just being around someone could make me feel so secure, happy, and excited about the future.

I am so thankful for the timing we have. We met unexpectedly. We became friends unexpectedly. I feel beyond lucky to have him in my life.

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Mother's Love

Every night, before I go to sleep, I sneak into my boys' dark room and I tuck them in. It is my favorite part of the day. Joshua removes the sheet and blanket and only uses his comforter, every single night. So I re-adjust the blanket 'situation', kiss his forehead and whisper that I love him. And Lucas always kicks off his favorite, baby blue, handmade blanket, and somehow turns himself sideways. So I cover him up, turn him in the right direction and rub his little head.

Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.

I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.

I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.

Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.

I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.

Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.

Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.

I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Another Sappy Blog Post....

As Valentine's Day approaches, I keep hearing people talk about how they don't 'believe in' Valentine's Day. They say its a made up holiday for companies to make money. But really, why can't we have a day to celebrate love and the people we love? For me, its nice to take the time out of my busy life and think about the people who I love and cherish and those who love me. How blessed am I that I have people around me, who love me, in spite of my many faults and failures. They love me when I yell, look a mess, don't clean, am cranky, moody and emotional. They love me for who I am, to the core, and I am so very thankful.



This year, I am celebrating Valentine's Day with a new valentine. His name is Brian. He is my friend. Actually, he is becoming one of my very best friends . He is sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, hard working, caring and just plain crazy. We have a special friendship, one that is honest and open and we both know that all we have is time and there absolutely no need to rush anything.



I am thankful to have such amazing people surrounding me. I get boggled down by bills and stress and school and time and work and life---BUT I am always thankful for the friends and family around me. I don't think that a day goes by where I am not reminded of how lucky I am.



I swear, I am NOT this positive and cheerful. For some reason, it all comes out sappy theses days. But what happens is this; I roll out of bed, not wanting to get up. I get my kid up for school and my parents are both up in the kitchen. We usually are in each others way, mom is running late, dad is taking his time. I get the baby up and in his highchair as I scurry to get Joshua ready for the bus, which is ALWAYS late. While I try to get my act together, someone is usually entertaining the baby. Once we are finally out the door, I realize what a MESS I made of my parents routine and how thankful I am that they took us in.



There is always a thought of how our day 'used' to run. Always a thought about how my parents days 'used' to run. But I know that they are happy. And I know that we are happy. Thats what matters, right?



Then there is Jen. Like clockwork, she calls me. Every morning and every evening. Even when I'm unavailable, even when I'm at work, she's always thinking of me. There is always a thought about what our days 'used' to be like. But, we're happy now, right?



See, I'm not sappy. Its more of a reflection. I'm good at that whole thing. Thats what led to my giant life change last year. Reflection. LOL I'm just good at seeing the 'bigger picture' or whatever.



Either way, I don't deserve all the love I get from these people. For some reason, they love me anyway. So, happy Valentine's day......

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hmmm, who am I?

Well, its official now. OK, it was official a few weeks ago when I actually paid the tuition. But now its really, really official. Ha. I got my JCC student ID today. Its quite strange. I feel so weird about my position in life right now. I feel like a 20 year old college kid, with 2 children and 30 years of life experiences. Its weird. Really weird.

I can not believe that I start classes Monday. Its very surreal. It doesn't feel like its really happening. But come Monday, I'll be sitting there with a new notebook and a literature book in my lap. Hmmm, I should probably find out where my class is......

There is a lot happening in my life and I've pushed back a lot of other things that need to be dealt with now. We are finally seeing specialists for Lucas. Most of them are in Syracuse, which I fully expected. Not a huge deal, except, I really don't have any time to actually go to Syracuse. An hour drive there, 1-2 hours with the doctors and an hour back. Um, yeah, I just don't have that kind of time these days. Its a little scary looking at my pending schedule.

I've contemplated quitting my job. I really enjoy working there. Its fun, and I am surrounded by a lot of happy people. Its a calm environment and its stress free. BUT, I don't make much money there, and I don't actually work many hours. And by the looks of my schedule, I might be needing those hours in the week to be with Lucas and doing therapies and appointments. The problem is, I hate to make it inconvenient for them and I don't want to disappoint anyone at work. I really like them and I know that I am wanted and needed there. Its silly really. I don't know what to do.

So, I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks. All I know is that I CAN do this. I can juggle a lot of stuff. I've done it before- it was just different things. Hopefully I don't drop anything.....

Saturday, December 25, 2010

An Amazing New Year

It is completely strange to think about how different life is this year, compared to last year. There are still a lot of similarities though, too. How could there not be? I am still me, and I still have children. But there are so many other things that have changed about our life.

This year, we said a lot of goodbyes. We said goodbye to bad things. We said goodbye to wonderful things. To possessions, family, attitudes, regrets, unhappiness, negativity, friends, comforts, and sadness. But we also greeted many things too. Independence, love, generosity, kindness, happiness, simplicity, and a new future.

This year has been, by far the most drastic of years. And let me tell you, I've had my fair share of drama. But, I can honestly say, I know that I made the best decision possible for my boys and I. There is not one doubt. And I love that. People may have questioned choices that I made, questioned who I was or what I was doing. But I know that I stayed true to myself, and mature through it all. I am proud of the way that I handled things, and I am thankful that my children will be proud one day too. It wasn't easy leaving. It wasn't easy at all. I just hope that they will understand someday, that I did it for them. I did it for myself. I did it for our future as a family.

When I look back on this year, it will be a milestone. It will mark 12 years I gave a man my whole heart. It will mark 10 years that I gave my marriage everything. It will mark the year that I finally stood up for myself and realized that I deserved more as a woman, wife, and mother. It will mark our move across the country and the sacrifice my parents made for us. It will mark who my true friends are, the ones who stood by my side through it all. It will mark the year that I made a change in myself and got healthy. 2010 will mark the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I am a proud woman. I am proud mother. I am excited about what is next for us. I am excited to watch my children grow and learn. I can not wait to see what 2011 holds for them. I love them with every bone in my body, and every part of my heart. And I am so thankful that I have them by my side everyday.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sometimes I can take my own advice

I love reading through my blog. I actually enjoy my own writing, and reminiscing about my life. But sometimes, I love the wisdom that I have- that somehow gets lost or forgotten.

*life is different now, titles have changed. But the idea is still the same I suppose
--copied from a previous post


Lately I've been feeling out of sorts. I've been feeling not myself. Stressed, worried, tired- ok exhausted, scared. Those of which aren't really me. Yes, I stress. Yes I worry. Yes, I'm tired. But lately, its been to the extreme. I think that the last year is finally catching up to me. Life has taken its toll and I'm kinda freaking out. The 'week of tears' kind of put me in a rut and I haven't been able to get out of it. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway which is well well over due and sooooooooooooo needed. Can you tell I really need a break? :o)

I've been worried about myself, a good sign I guess in the scheme of things. If I didn't care about my well being then you should probably worry. I've been not wanting to be a mom, homemaker (which is legally my job title) and wife. Its all been no fun and I want a change of pace. No fun you ask? Well, let me elaborate. I've been dealing with a 3 year old potty trained, jealous, not getting enough time with mom, high spirited, full of energy, acting out little boy. He does weird, very weird things to get my attention. Like peeing on his toys. Pooping on the floor. Stuff like that. Oh yes, that is the no fun I am talking about. I am hoping that this is a phase or way of getting mom's attention, because if this is the ride called life- I WANT OFF! I love that boys and daily he makes me smile. But lately, oohhhh, I just don't know what to do. And more of the no fun.... a fussy, skinny, not getting enough time with mom, needs a lot of attention, 8 month old baby. Oh its just a joy.

And let me just add a little bit of more 'no fun' stuff. Cleaning, cooking, budgeting, laundering, cleaning up of pee on toys, poop off floors, and baking (ok that one if fun).
I am not complaining. I actually have a point to this WHOLE blog. As it is a way for me to vent to the hundreds of people reading (ok 30, LOL), it is also to share this little tid bit.

As I drove down the highway today in a bit of a funk, I saw something neat on the side of the road. There was a little bunch of flowers blooming. It was surrounded by weeds, trash and other not so great stuff found in ditches. But through all of the junk, the flowers bloomed. As I looked at those flowers (while driving 60mph down the highway) I realized that I needed to be like those flowers. Surrounded by junk, i.e. cleaning-stressing-kids, I needed to bloom and grow. That even in this crazy stressful time in my life, there is more important things to focus on. Growing as a person. As a christian, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I hope that in some part of my life that while I am blooming and growing that I can bring laughter, love and brighten someone's day, just like that flower patch did for me today.

Workin' Girl and Weekend Getaways

So, as the title implies, I have a job.

I like my job. And I love that I do.

I am a cashier at a grocery store. Its not glamorous, by any means, but its fun and stress free. I think that I could use that in my life right about now, don't you think?

So I was offered a job through one of my brothers good friends. She heard about my 'situation' and told me that if I needed anything, there was a job waiting for me when I came to town. I wasn't necessarily looking to work, but the idea of getting out and meeting some new people sounded great. So I did. Basically she asked me when I wanted to work, and how much and BAM, that's what I do. Its 3 days a week and well under 20 hours. LOL. Its pretty simple, and I think that is why I like working.

I have met some awesome people. Everyone has been so great and friendly. I really have a lot of fun there. Most of the girls I am with there are pretty young, which has been kinda fun. I get to be the old lady, but at the same time act goofy too. I can do that quite well, no matter what crown I am around though.

I am also planning a little weekend getaway. As you know, I left my very best friend in Seattle when I moved away. Its been so hard adjusting to life without her and well, super, super sad. So dreaming, we talked about a weekend trip and looky what happened.... I booked a flight.
In my divorce, my ex is supposed to have the kids over Christmas, but this year it didn't work out. Mostly because of finances and time frames. So, instead of just taking off alone to see my friend, I decided to offer him to buy a ticket for Joshua. I chose not to take Lucas for a few reasons. For one, flying with 2 kids isn't the most exciting thing to do for a 4 day trip. And for two, Lucas wouldn't care either way. LOL Joshua on the other hand needs to see his dad and grandparents and I knew it would be good for him. As much as I would have rather just gone alone, I knew this was best.
So in 39 days (as Jen pointed out today) We'll be taking a late flight to Seattle and spending a super exciting 3 days there! I for one, am thrilled. Joshua isn't thrilled because I haven't told him yet. Ha. I am waiting until after Christmas to tell him about the trip.

So there is my little update for those who read this. <3

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Trying to be Thankful....

I wrote a blog a few days ago where I ended writing about the things that I was thankful for from my ex. It wasn't where I was headed with that blog, but I like where it took me. I never really thought of those things before and it really gave me a new perspective on the ending of my marriage.

There are a lot of things that I have been quite embarrassed about lately. The fact that I am 30 with 2 kids and now single; I live at home with my parents; I get medicaid; and that I am starting all over again after a failed marriage.

But I have so many things to be thankful for.

I have amazing parents. They have been incredible. They are so generous, caring, accepting, loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I would be a lost, crazy mess without them and their support. Both monetarily and emotionally.

I have incredibly supportive friends who had stood by my side through such a crazy time. I wouldn't even know who I was without them.

I am thankful for my children.
Joshua has become a sweet big brother, something that I wanted so badly for so long. He loves Lucas so much, and I am so thankful. He is learning and growing, and its awesome to watch.

I am thankful for the health of Lucas. Since we've been without insurance, I have been so worried about an ER trip, or refilling prescriptions. But he has only had minor illnesses, that we've been able to treat at home.

I am thankful for the incredible support offered by the state. From the medicaid insurance that they kids and I now get to all of the programs offered for Lucas' disability. The therapies are starting up this week, and I can't wait to see what this next chapter holds for Lucas!

I am thankful for the kindness I receive from friends and family everyday.

I am thankful for the roof over my head, the cute car in my driveway, the job that I was given, the new friends that I am making, the old friends who love me and most of all, I am thankful for the future full of possibilities for my kids and I. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us. And I am so thankful that I can say that now.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Civil....

Today marked a new milestone. My ex and I actually had a civil conversation. It was strange and weird. Its been months, and months, and well, months since that's happened. We typically text and its best that way for us. But today there needed to be an actual conversation, and it was, for lack of any other word, good.


I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.


After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.

Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Nitty Gritty....

I had decided that I would keep personal details out of my blog about what happened in my marriage. I am still on the fence about if I really want to share it all or not. I assume that most everyone has the basic idea of what happened. I wrote a blog a while back about the issues that I faced in my 10 years of marriage.
If you would like a refresher on it, here ya go

So, I've always written as if I were talking to someone. If you were sitting in front of me right now, I would tell you this to your face. So why not write it?

Fine, twist my arm.

Soon after I gave birth to Joshua, I found out my husband had cheated on me. This was 2006, almost 6 years into our marriage. He had been dealing with some of his own personal issues, and I chose to stay with him, work it out and forgive. Years later, we finally went in to counseling and I forgave him. Or so I thought. When I forgave him, I let go of the anger and hateful feelings I had toward the situation and him. I forgave him under the pretences that it happened because of the issues he was dealing with after going to war.
I later found out that he had cheated on me before war, while we lived in Hawaii. He openly told me what he had done and I didn't know what to do with that information. Having a sick baby, a preschooler and being unemployed, that new information got brushed aside and put on the back burner.
As some time went by, that information began to take its toll. I never dealt with it properly and I couldn't handle what it was doing to me. Our relationship started to really suffer. It had been a bad marriage from the beginning, and knowing that the cheating had started way back in the beginning was not helping.

In the beginning of 2010, we were at a bad place in our marriage. There was no trust, love, affection, friendship or partnership. There hadn't been for a very, very long time. I was turning 30 and I started feeling a sense of reflection. I had spent 10 years married to man that I no longer loved. A man that never treated me right. A man that had cheated on me, more than I believed he had told me. Did I really want to spend another 10 years living that same way?

He moved out and for once, I felt peace. A sense of peace took over my house, myself and my kids. I knew at that point, it was right. He on the other had did not. He begged for me back, told me he had changed, made excuses, told lies and pretended to be someone he was not. When I came back to NY to get some clarity, it had come out that he was seeing someone. Then it came out that it was more that just someONE. When this happened, it was more than clear that this marriage was over. I say this: when I left WA I was about 97% sure I was done with the marriage. When this came out, there was no doubt that I was done 100%. The clarity was perfect.

The rest is pretty simple really. I went back to WA, hired a lawyer, packed my things and my children and left. It was stressful, but thankfully and quite bittersweet actually, he didn't fight for us to stay in WA. I say that only because it would have been a good gesture for him to put up some fight for his kids. But thankfully, he let us all go. I do not look back and wonder if I did the right thing. I know I did. We are all better off this way, even him.

I am ready to move on. I really don't feel surprised by the end of my marriage. Its more of a relief. I have hope to love again. I have hope that the right man is still there for me. I have hope that I will trust a man, give him my whole heart and truly be happy. I never wanted to be single. I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything, ever since I can remember. I want to love whole heartedly with someone who is deserving of my love. Someone who will love me back, be my partner in everything. Someone who wants to be with me, and my children, and no one else. Someone who is happy with our life and is smart enough to not throw it away for something worthless.

I don't look back anymore and feel like I wasted my life. For quite a while I did. But I am strong because of him. He taught me to be independent and stable. I have my 2 amazing boys because of him. Yes, I wouldn't know of them without him, but my kids have helped form who I am . They as individuals have taught me more things in this life than anyone. And I couldn't have done that without him. If I had stayed gone the first time, I wouldn't have Lucas-- and the world would be a sad, sad place without that amazing little boy. So I don't regret being with him, or staying with him. I don't regret giving him my entire heart. I don't regret loving and giving him my everything. I don't regret staying or trying to make it work time and time again. I don't regret any of it. I am thankful for who I am because of these last 10 years. I am thankful for the amazing people that were brought into my life over this time. I am thankful that I know now exactly what I want and need out of a husband.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Its New York Baby....

Isn't that an exciting title for a blog post? Wow, I like it.

Well, a lot has happened since I got here. Nothing as exciting as that title, mind you. But we've been busy either way.

Joshua has started full time kindergarten. He is doing great adjusting to a new school. It took over 2 weeks to even be sent to the principals office! Surprising, yes, I know! I even remarked to the teacher that I was surprised it took that long! Ha ha ha. But he is back to being a good kid and learning a lot. I am really liking this school so far. Even after being a bit scared at first about the 'ghetto' qualitites I first saw.

Lucas is enrolling in all of his therapies. Everything has paperwork, and then a little more paperwork. He had his initial evaluation to get enrolled into the Birth to Three program here, and now we have 4 more evaluations to finish before we can begin. Yikes. That is only the beginning of the appointments for him right now too. Its been a good busy though. If you know me, I do well busy. Well, fine, I do OK busy. But its good either way.

And as for me.....I start work on Monday. Its not a glamorous job, but I didn't have to apply, or fight for what hours I wanted. My brothers good friend knew I was coming back to NY and said that if I wanted a job, she was holding one for me. So I went in Tuesday and told her what I wanted to work, and well, there ya go. I am excited. I am a bit nervous too. I haven't had a 'first day at work' in over 6 years. Its been a while. But I am happy to be meeting new people and make some new friends.

Its been a quick transition to NY. I got a new car and a new job. I moved in my own things. Its definitely not vacation. Something that I thought I might feel for a while. I am a bit lonely. I am a lot scared. But I am really happy. I know that this was exactly the right move for the boys and I. That hasn't been questioned at all. But its just a bit strange, I guess. I am back in my parents house, with children. It has been a learning experience with pride. I didn't think that I was that prideful, but I have learned that I am. I am dealing with letting things go....and thats a hard lesson.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

3 letters....

This might be weird for someone who doesn't know me. But I'm weird. So now you know me.


I am moving away from a place that I love. I knew it would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard.

Washington is great. My house is nice. My friends are amazing.

I have 2 very close friends that I will be leaving behind in my move. It is quite devastating actually. You'd think that I would be used to this by now. I left my home state of NY after 20 years. I don't think I even shed a tear that day. I left Hawaii after 3 years and a bunch of close friends. I left Texas after 3 years and well, I cried. But this is where I saw my life. This is where I settled. The military life was over, and I let my guard down and made relationships that I knew would last a lifetime. And now I am faced with the reality, that my life here is over and my friends will be staying here.

I am also leaving behind a family that I loved. I am going through a messy divorce right now and it has changed my relationships. It is something that I never saw coming. I thought that no matter what happened, the love and effort that I put into making this my family would have lasted. But I was wrong. So not only do I leave the people that I called family, I am no longer part of it. I am hurt by that, deeper than I think they'll ever know.

I am blogging a lot these last couple of weeks. I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotion and this is the best way for me to get a sense of release. So as I share my feelings, remember this is for me. Not for you. <3

Goodbye letters:

Family- As I say goodbye to you, I will try to take away the anger I am feeling for a few moments. Please know that I am hurt and saddened by the acts of betrayal and the feelings of neglect and distrust. I thought that after 10 years, you knew who I was and that I never wavered with my beliefs.
I have loved being a part of this family. As dysfunctional as it was sometimes, it was fun and I enjoyed all the years. I loved the game nights, our Christmas sleep overs, and just knowing each of you and your favorite things. It was the simple things that made this family great. I am sad that its over. I hope that you will remember that I loved you, and that my kids loved you. I will always try to remember the good, before all of the bad.

Now....the tears start.

Denelle- My dear, sweet friend. I am going to miss you so much. I love that I can be so relaxed and comfortable with you. I love that I can talk about anything in the world with you and you listen. You remember the silliest details, and you love the juicy ones! I love that I can spend hours with you and never tire. I love that we are so similar too. Its cracks me up. The ketchup thing last week...priceless.
I love your children. And I mean truly LOVE them. Mirianna is the sweetest little girl. I am going to miss her, and her love for me! <3 And those 2 new angels. I swear, they are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. And don't get me started on my little boyfriend. I <3 him so!
I love your husband too. (No, not that way) You are a lucky, lucky woman. Know that. I love that he wants nothing more in this world than to see you happy and make those kiddos smile. He is an amazing husband and daddy, and I am so glad that you have found such a good man in this world. It gives me hope that men like that do exist.
I hope that wherever the Army takes you, that it is somehow close to me. If I could get another 3 years with you, I would be a happy, happy woman. I am so sad that I won't see those kids grow in person. I wish that I could be around to see who they become and play a tiny role, somehow. I wish that I could get more time with you. I feel so very lucky to have met you, to have spent time with you and that I get to call you my best friend. Thank you for never, ever judging me. For always opening your door to me. And for always having a smile....and a HUG.

I love you my dear friend. I will never forget you.


Jenni-
I can't believe that I am writing a goodbye letter to you on my blog. But whatever, I'm doing it. I could have emailed one, or written it in a card. But someone, this is right.
I have no words to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would still love you more. I have never been so close to a person in my life, not even my husband. Its strange, actually. In a totally awesome way. I can laugh with you. Cry with you. Talk about nonsense with you. Or even sit and say nothing. I know that I will never have another friendship like ours as long as I live.
I can't even being to tell you how sad I am to leave you. I honestly can't even come up with words. Its just hurts to think about leaving you.

I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things that I can write about you. First of all, you are funny. Hilarious. And I love it. You are kind and generous. You are so cool and thoughtful. :-) You are smart, beautiful, a great mom, an amazing wife, a wonderful daughter and sister and the best friend that anyone could ever have. You give the best advice, and I swear, I will be calling you for advice on every decision.....just as I do now. Thank God we both and AT&T!!!

I am so sad that our boys won't grow up together, as we had dreamed. I am so sad that I won't grow old with you either. I am sad that we won't have our weekly Thursdays. That we won't have our girls nights, shopping trips, and craft time. I am sad that we won't hang out, for hours, doing nothing. I am sad that we won't have weekend trips. I am sad that I won't see you, whenever I want. I am so very, very sad. I am sad that you are the one person in the world that knows me the best and now I'm moving away.

I am going to miss you, but I am also going to miss your family. I love your family. I am going to miss each one of your boys. I am sad that I can't watch them grow into men. They are amazing, smart, athletic boys who are going to cause so much trouble with girls.....
I am going to miss Tony. Over the years I have grown to love him. He is so unpredictable....but reliable at the same time. I am going to miss your parents. They are the sweetest people ever! I love how they make me feel like a part of their family too. I've always appreciated that about them.

So, to my best friend, I love you. You will never know how much. You will never know how much I'm going to miss you. You will never know how much you meant to me. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, without question. For loving my boys, with out judgement. Thank you for always being on my side, looking out for my best interests, telling me how it is, and giving me sound advice. I could not have come this far without you in my corner. You will continue to fight right along side me, even though we are miles apart. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

To take a quote from Greys Anatomy...
Meredith said, Derek is the love of my life, but you are my soul mate. That is how I feel about you- minus the love of my life part. Hopefully that will come later. But Jenni, that's how I feel about our relationship. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!

'good' byes

Tonight I had a little going away party. It was just a collection of girls from my area who I love and wanted to have one last night girls night with. Its funny how you 'collect' friends over the years. When you think back to how you met them, its funny who sticks around and who doesn't.

We had margaritas, chips and salsa, cinnamon chips and fruit salsa and brownies and cookies. It was a nice little spread, I must say. We hung out and talked, which of course girls do best. Then we had a little store run and we were back for a board game. It was a super casual night, with no real agenda. And without boys around, no fighting or cheating with the game either. LOL

I didn't think too much about the goodbyes at the end of the night. But as we came to the end, it started to get a little hard. We made it quick and sweet before anything got teary. But as soon as I closed the garage door, the tears started. I am friends with these girls, but never really thought that it would be this hard. They have been a blessing in my life. As little as I saw them, or as much, having them has meant so much to me. Knowing that they would always listen or go and have a girls night, was awesome. I am going to miss them so much. I don't even think that they know how much it means that they came over tonight.

My time in Washington is coming to an end. I am excited, but I am so sad. I expected to live here for the rest of my life. This was the place that I was ready to be. This was the place I called home. This is the place that I want to be. But the time has come to move on. I am ready. I am ready to say goodbye. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad. It is going to be so much harder than I ever thought.

So Washington, thank you. Thank you for your sunshine after rainy days. Thank you for having the most beautiful mountain that took my breath away every time. Thank you for having a cool city so close. Thank you for having amazing people and friends. Thank you for always being green. Thank you for not having extreme weather. Thank you for welcoming me and being home for the last 5 years. Thank you for holding some of the best memories of my life.

'Good' bye.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Oh My Child....

I am overwhelmed with my 4 year old. He is crazy. He is obstinate. He is tough.

But man, oh man, I sure love him. He keeps me on my toes every day. He is a fire cracker. Yes, I said fire cracker. (I am old now, remember?)

Even with the trials of raising a 4 year old, and his confusion of what is happening in life, I am still full of love for him. There are times, where its questionable though. I know its hard for some of you to read that. Maybe your kids are still young. Or maybe they are super sweet. But let me tell you, there are times where I just want to lock him in a closet. I don't....but I want to! :)

Here are some of the things I love about my Joshua. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. He knows how much I love purple. He comforts me when I cry. He is starting to really love his little brother. He is complicated. He is funny.

Like today, we celebrated together that his little brother stuck his tongue out. To most of you, that is not a big deal. But my baby is 2 and has never protruded his tongue. When I told Joshua that Lucas did it, he clapped and rubbed L's head. Its the simple things that make my life so wonderful and make me love my boys so much! I am so thankful that I can celebrate those things with him.

Sometimes its hard to remember that love. When he is hitting, talking back, throwing a fit, getting into trouble, its HARD to feel it. But I know its always there. It'll never go away. And I love that I always know that.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Counting Down and making milestones.,....

So we are counting down the days. Not technically, as we don't know when we are even able to leave yet! LOL But we are excited for this new phase in our lives. I am ready to make this leap and start a new life with my boys. Its going to be hard, but I know that we are going to do fabulously!!

As we sit and wait....we are making some milestones too!

Joshua has started school. He is in a K-2 program. Its pre-kindergarten class at a public school. His first day was today and mommy was so excited! :) He wasn't too thrilled, but he did great and I think we'll get the hang of this soon. The class is all day Tue/Thurs every other Friday. It was nice to have a break from my little man. We've been spending a LOT of time together, and it was probably great for him, Lucas and mommy to have some break time!

Lucas has been doing great too! We have been using a walker in therapy and we've been able to bring one home for temporary use. At first I didn't have it in the house unless we were going to use it. But I brought it in, and Lucas loves it. He just crawls up to it and uses it! It amazes me. He is so proud of himself and he is doing so good with it!

Life has been pretty hard lately for me. I am full of hope, but there are times where I am so lost. I feel so alone here. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and I would be a complete wreck without them!! But there are times when all I need is a hug and someone close. I really want to share my everyday life with that someone, and well, that someone is no longer. I never wanted to be single. I always wanted to be married. And here I am, alone. It sucks, basically. LOL. I will say that I am still happy, even being alone. Even doing everything on my own. Even with taking care of a hyper 4 year old and a sick, complicated baby. Even being scared out of my mind. I am still happier!

So I guess its just a waiting game until we get the go ahead. Then, onward we go! Our new life----Here we come! Watch out!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Whoa is me....

Whoa, my life is crazy!

So its official. I am getting a divorce. Never did I think that I would actually be saying that. I knew that my marriage was rough. I knew that my marriage was not a typical one. But I thought that if we had made it through everything we had, that we'd actually survive. But 10 years has come and gone, and we are separating and going our own ways.

I have been on my own with the kids for almost 5 months. Its been pretty rough. But I did have babysitters and I was on vacation in NY for 5 weeks with my parents. So now I am home, and completely on my own and wow, this is hard!

I am having a bit of shock. OK, a lot of shock. I have 2 kids, yes I am aware. I have a special needs child. Yes, also known. But am I really capable of doing this? Really, really?

I know that this blog is for ALL people to read. But as I have stated before, it basically for me to get out my thoughts, frustration and vent. And that is really what this is about.

I know that I am a strong woman. I know that I love my kids more than life itself and more than I ever thought possible. I know that my dreams DO NOT always come true. And I am learning that my dreams can come in MANY, MANY forms.

I dreamed of being a stay at home mom for my entire life. Well you know what Rachel? You got your dream. It didn't last as long as you'd hoped, but you did it. And you loved every moment of that time with your kids.

I dreamed of being in a big city and living a life of cool possibilities. Well Rachel, you did it. You lived in Hawaii, Texas and Washington and you got to experience Seattle. You got to do some super awesome things while you were there. It may have not been as long as you had hoped, but it was still amazing.

I dreamed of my own home. A happy family. Watching my kids grow. Well, that happened. You got your house. Its time to let it go, but you got it. You will soon be with your family- and you WILL be happy. And you will get to watch your children grow and become amazing, wonderful, respectful, hardworking, and talented men!

I dreamed of loving a man until the day that I died. A love that would stand the test of time, the trials of life and its tribulation. Well, Rachel, you loved. You loved hard and long and with all your heart. It may have not been a dream love, or a love that gave back, but you tried your hardest and you gave it your everything.

I know that there is a wonderful future for me and boys. I know that fully. I know that I am meant for great things. I was given a strong will for a reason. I am tough and feisty and I know what I want, and that will get me through this.

Its easy to be strong when you type these things out. I just wish I didn't have these tears.......