Sunday, August 7, 2011

What hurts the most.....

Let me preface this blog entry with a few things. I do not miss my ex-husband. There isn't a thing that comes to mind that I miss about him. And if there were, I would share them.... probably. I am happy with the way my life and my children's lives are going. But, I do miss certain things; like having my own home and a family with in laws and cousins. Which brings me to my entry today. For some time I have been wanting to write my true feelings, but have been hesitant because I really don't want to upset anyone. But at this point in my life, why should I hide my feelings...?

Looking back at what took place in marriage should not surprise any one. If you knew us, you knew that there wasn't much optimism in our marriage and there wasn't much shock as to how it ended. I was NOT surprised about what my husband did to me. And I am pretty sure we all knew it would end this way.
What I am surprised by, and most hurt by, is the way the family has treated me. I honestly thought by now that I would have 'gotten over' this entire thing. But sadly, I am human, and I hurt just like the rest of 'em.
My mother in law and I became good friends when I first moved to WA in 2005. She was the only friend I had and our friendship blossomed over the 5 years that I was there. I considered her one of my best friends and I knew how lucky I was to have her as my mother in law. She was amazing to me and my children over the years. I knew that from the bottom of her heart she loved me and that she would never desert me. In the beginning of 2010, I was struggling with my marriage and doubting if I still loved my husband. She encouraged me to really figure it out and if that if I didn't love him, I should leave. When we did separate, her and my father in law both told me to my face that no matter what happened, 'I would always be their daughter and that they would always love me'.

When I left WA for NY for the summer to figure my life out, I came back to a different family. The family that I was once a part of, was gone. Something happened to them while I was away, something that I will never understand. I came in to a cold, stiff home; to a family that I didn't belong to anymore. Over the course of the next 3 months, I was pushed away and treated so poorly, that I never doubted my decision to stay in WA with my children. I know that if I had been treated as a real daughter, moving across the country would have been completely different and our lives today would be much easier.

I look back on the years that I spent in that family, and I am heart broken. I longed for a close knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins that were connected. A family where we celebrated birthdays and holidays together; where we had game nights and dinners out. When I met this family I made them my own. I loved each one of them and tried my best to bring the family together. I loved every game night and holiday; Christmas', Thanksgivings and Easters. I poured my heart and soul into that family. I even had a favorite cookie list for each and everyone of them so that I could always know what they loved the most. So when it came time for me to leave, I couldn't believe the coldness that I felt.

I wrote this blog entry on Sunday night and saved it for a few days. I've actually written a similar note quite a few times and just never thought it was the right timing. But I received a hateful email from my once beloved mother in law this morning and I know now that it doesn't matter what I say or do. They are oblivious to what really happened and oblivious to what love really means.

I write this blog for myself. Writing helps me communicate. It helps me heal. It helps me live. I am sorry if someone reads my blog and gets offended or angry. It is your choice to read or not to read. I write HONEST feelings and I write what needs to be said.

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