Sunday, November 21, 2010

Trying to be Thankful....

I wrote a blog a few days ago where I ended writing about the things that I was thankful for from my ex. It wasn't where I was headed with that blog, but I like where it took me. I never really thought of those things before and it really gave me a new perspective on the ending of my marriage.

There are a lot of things that I have been quite embarrassed about lately. The fact that I am 30 with 2 kids and now single; I live at home with my parents; I get medicaid; and that I am starting all over again after a failed marriage.

But I have so many things to be thankful for.

I have amazing parents. They have been incredible. They are so generous, caring, accepting, loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I would be a lost, crazy mess without them and their support. Both monetarily and emotionally.

I have incredibly supportive friends who had stood by my side through such a crazy time. I wouldn't even know who I was without them.

I am thankful for my children.
Joshua has become a sweet big brother, something that I wanted so badly for so long. He loves Lucas so much, and I am so thankful. He is learning and growing, and its awesome to watch.

I am thankful for the health of Lucas. Since we've been without insurance, I have been so worried about an ER trip, or refilling prescriptions. But he has only had minor illnesses, that we've been able to treat at home.

I am thankful for the incredible support offered by the state. From the medicaid insurance that they kids and I now get to all of the programs offered for Lucas' disability. The therapies are starting up this week, and I can't wait to see what this next chapter holds for Lucas!

I am thankful for the kindness I receive from friends and family everyday.

I am thankful for the roof over my head, the cute car in my driveway, the job that I was given, the new friends that I am making, the old friends who love me and most of all, I am thankful for the future full of possibilities for my kids and I. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us. And I am so thankful that I can say that now.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Today marked a new milestone. My ex and I actually had a civil conversation. It was strange and weird. Its been months, and months, and well, months since that's happened. We typically text and its best that way for us. But today there needed to be an actual conversation, and it was, for lack of any other word, good.

I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.

After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.

Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Nitty Gritty....

I had decided that I would keep personal details out of my blog about what happened in my marriage. I am still on the fence about if I really want to share it all or not. I assume that most everyone has the basic idea of what happened. I wrote a blog a while back about the issues that I faced in my 10 years of marriage.
If you would like a refresher on it, here ya go

So, I've always written as if I were talking to someone. If you were sitting in front of me right now, I would tell you this to your face. So why not write it?

Fine, twist my arm.

Soon after I gave birth to Joshua, I found out my husband had cheated on me. This was 2006, almost 6 years into our marriage. He had been dealing with some of his own personal issues, and I chose to stay with him, work it out and forgive. Years later, we finally went in to counseling and I forgave him. Or so I thought. When I forgave him, I let go of the anger and hateful feelings I had toward the situation and him. I forgave him under the pretences that it happened because of the issues he was dealing with after going to war.
I later found out that he had cheated on me before war, while we lived in Hawaii. He openly told me what he had done and I didn't know what to do with that information. Having a sick baby, a preschooler and being unemployed, that new information got brushed aside and put on the back burner.
As some time went by, that information began to take its toll. I never dealt with it properly and I couldn't handle what it was doing to me. Our relationship started to really suffer. It had been a bad marriage from the beginning, and knowing that the cheating had started way back in the beginning was not helping.

In the beginning of 2010, we were at a bad place in our marriage. There was no trust, love, affection, friendship or partnership. There hadn't been for a very, very long time. I was turning 30 and I started feeling a sense of reflection. I had spent 10 years married to man that I no longer loved. A man that never treated me right. A man that had cheated on me, more than I believed he had told me. Did I really want to spend another 10 years living that same way?

He moved out and for once, I felt peace. A sense of peace took over my house, myself and my kids. I knew at that point, it was right. He on the other had did not. He begged for me back, told me he had changed, made excuses, told lies and pretended to be someone he was not. When I came back to NY to get some clarity, it had come out that he was seeing someone. Then it came out that it was more that just someONE. When this happened, it was more than clear that this marriage was over. I say this: when I left WA I was about 97% sure I was done with the marriage. When this came out, there was no doubt that I was done 100%. The clarity was perfect.

The rest is pretty simple really. I went back to WA, hired a lawyer, packed my things and my children and left. It was stressful, but thankfully and quite bittersweet actually, he didn't fight for us to stay in WA. I say that only because it would have been a good gesture for him to put up some fight for his kids. But thankfully, he let us all go. I do not look back and wonder if I did the right thing. I know I did. We are all better off this way, even him.

I am ready to move on. I really don't feel surprised by the end of my marriage. Its more of a relief. I have hope to love again. I have hope that the right man is still there for me. I have hope that I will trust a man, give him my whole heart and truly be happy. I never wanted to be single. I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything, ever since I can remember. I want to love whole heartedly with someone who is deserving of my love. Someone who will love me back, be my partner in everything. Someone who wants to be with me, and my children, and no one else. Someone who is happy with our life and is smart enough to not throw it away for something worthless.

I don't look back anymore and feel like I wasted my life. For quite a while I did. But I am strong because of him. He taught me to be independent and stable. I have my 2 amazing boys because of him. Yes, I wouldn't know of them without him, but my kids have helped form who I am . They as individuals have taught me more things in this life than anyone. And I couldn't have done that without him. If I had stayed gone the first time, I wouldn't have Lucas-- and the world would be a sad, sad place without that amazing little boy. So I don't regret being with him, or staying with him. I don't regret giving him my entire heart. I don't regret loving and giving him my everything. I don't regret staying or trying to make it work time and time again. I don't regret any of it. I am thankful for who I am because of these last 10 years. I am thankful for the amazing people that were brought into my life over this time. I am thankful that I know now exactly what I want and need out of a husband.