Today marked a new milestone. My ex and I actually had a civil conversation. It was strange and weird. Its been months, and months, and well, months since that's happened. We typically text and its best that way for us. But today there needed to be an actual conversation, and it was, for lack of any other word, good.
I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.
Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.
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This is my story of being a single mom with one amazing 9 year old and a perfect special needs little boy.
2 comments:
I'm so very proud of you! It will take time, but you've come so far in very little time... continue to allow God to do His perfect work in you and it will happen! I love you my sister. Miss you much!
Rachel - It took me 40 years to forgive my father for leaving my mother for another woman. It is difficult to forgive someone who hurts you so very deeply. I saw him as very selfish. My whole self-esteem went away. I pray for your children, Rachel! And, I pray for you. Forgiveness is possible - I just wish I had forgiven him before he went home to be with the Lord. Some day I'll be able to tell him what I should have a long time ago. His sin was no different than my sin. Why are things so hard?
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