Monday, February 14, 2011

A Mother's Love

Every night, before I go to sleep, I sneak into my boys' dark room and I tuck them in. It is my favorite part of the day. Joshua removes the sheet and blanket and only uses his comforter, every single night. So I re-adjust the blanket 'situation', kiss his forehead and whisper that I love him. And Lucas always kicks off his favorite, baby blue, handmade blanket, and somehow turns himself sideways. So I cover him up, turn him in the right direction and rub his little head.

Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.

I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.

I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.

Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.

I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.

Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.

Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.

I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Another Sappy Blog Post....

As Valentine's Day approaches, I keep hearing people talk about how they don't 'believe in' Valentine's Day. They say its a made up holiday for companies to make money. But really, why can't we have a day to celebrate love and the people we love? For me, its nice to take the time out of my busy life and think about the people who I love and cherish and those who love me. How blessed am I that I have people around me, who love me, in spite of my many faults and failures. They love me when I yell, look a mess, don't clean, am cranky, moody and emotional. They love me for who I am, to the core, and I am so very thankful.

This year, I am celebrating Valentine's Day with a new valentine. His name is Brian. He is my friend. Actually, he is becoming one of my very best friends . He is sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, hard working, caring and just plain crazy. We have a special friendship, one that is honest and open and we both know that all we have is time and there absolutely no need to rush anything.

I am thankful to have such amazing people surrounding me. I get boggled down by bills and stress and school and time and work and life---BUT I am always thankful for the friends and family around me. I don't think that a day goes by where I am not reminded of how lucky I am.

I swear, I am NOT this positive and cheerful. For some reason, it all comes out sappy theses days. But what happens is this; I roll out of bed, not wanting to get up. I get my kid up for school and my parents are both up in the kitchen. We usually are in each others way, mom is running late, dad is taking his time. I get the baby up and in his highchair as I scurry to get Joshua ready for the bus, which is ALWAYS late. While I try to get my act together, someone is usually entertaining the baby. Once we are finally out the door, I realize what a MESS I made of my parents routine and how thankful I am that they took us in.

There is always a thought of how our day 'used' to run. Always a thought about how my parents days 'used' to run. But I know that they are happy. And I know that we are happy. Thats what matters, right?

Then there is Jen. Like clockwork, she calls me. Every morning and every evening. Even when I'm unavailable, even when I'm at work, she's always thinking of me. There is always a thought about what our days 'used' to be like. But, we're happy now, right?

See, I'm not sappy. Its more of a reflection. I'm good at that whole thing. Thats what led to my giant life change last year. Reflection. LOL I'm just good at seeing the 'bigger picture' or whatever.

Either way, I don't deserve all the love I get from these people. For some reason, they love me anyway. So, happy Valentine's day......