Sunday, March 14, 2010
The stress you ask? Well, my husband has been laid off from work since January. We've been through this before. Many times. But this time around, work isn't calling. We survive on unemployment, VA disability and my small paychecks. Its decently comfortable for us. We don't struggle, but we don't get to party either. Usually, its only for a few weeks that we are living like this. But with the new house, and 2 kids, its getting tighter. The issue now is that, because work isn't calling, we are thinking about when unemployment runs out. We are also dealing with the idea of health insurance running out. That's scary!!
We've been without health insurance before when Joshua was little. But life is different now with Lucas. We CAN NOT be without health insurance. I am starting to get things in order for getting on state health insurance until Josh can find a job that pays and has insurance.
Finding a job isn't the easiest either. Because of my husbands 'situation', career jobs aren't great to find. There are jobs available, but they don't pay enough. There are jobs available, that he is just not qualified for. And then there are some that would be perfect, but he probably won't get because of his 'condition'. I could work, but that's is almost impossible really. If he works too, who would watch the kids? Who would do all of Lucas' therapy. Its a tough situation.
We only have 2 months left until the breaking point. 2 months is a long time. Especially when work could call any day. But 2 months can go by so fast, and well, we'll be there in no time at all.
I am stressed for other reasons, but that is a whole other post. Life has given me some curve balls and I am kind of in a 'woe is me' phase right now. I have been really emotional these past 2 weeks. From my marriage, to thinking about putting the idea of having another baby on the way, way back shelf, and my children- being children. Its nothing too crazy, but it is my life, and I am living it daily.
After my last post about genetic testing and wanting another baby, I've been really thinking about it. What is my life really going to be like with Lucas? He doesn't walk, talk, communicate in any way. He is constantly sick. My miracle baby is a handful. How could I ever really think about having another child. So, I am just going to give up that whole idea for a while. A long while. I can dream, but its a far reality.
So now you understand my twitch.
Monday, March 8, 2010
The office was nice. The nurses was uber friendly and outgoing. The doctor was, big; old; gray. I likey. Why? Big- he probably won't harp on my weight. Old- he's been around. Seen lots. Gray- isn't caught up with appearances.
He asked a gazillion questions. Things I haven't been asked before. I'm not a typical patient. I have issues. I've had issues for years. He wasn't intimidated by anything. Then we got onto the topic of Lucas. Special needs baby, crazy delivery, etc. Then he brought up the topic of more babies. And then, genetic testing. Yikes.
Lucas has a chromosome abnormality that could have been a fluke, or that could have been handed down from either Josh or I. Lucas has an unbalanced trans location. Part of chromo 13 is missing and is replaced with an extra 22. (You can read more here from a previous blog). So what Josh and I could have, is called a balanced trans location. Where we have the full 13 and 22, but the little pieces are swapped. We would show no signs of any issues, but our children might. Hence Lukey.
While at the hospital, we agreed to the testing, if our insurance would pay for it. But they denied it. So we figured it was for the best. Honestly, we haven't thought about testing since. Until last week that is. While sitting, listening to my doctor talk about getting tested, OK urging the testing, I was conflicted. At first I wanted to cry. I was uncomfortable hearing all of it. Then, I was pissed. How dare he urge me to get tested. We finished our appointment, and after he apologised for going into so much detail, he assured me that he was comfortable with anything I decided.
But it wasn't as simple as an apology. This was now stuck in my head. For good. I'm a harper. I harp on things. Until they are resolved. Just ask my husband. I was confused. What is right? Where did we stand?
I asked the question to my Facebook world. Some mearly strangers, others my closest friends in the world. What did they think? What would they do?
After weighing the pros and cons for both, I was still confused. All of my friends said they would do it. They would rather know before bringing another baby into the world. How could I live with the fact that I could have prevented it. Or knowing would give me a reassurance that everything would be OK.
Then I brought it up with to my husband. He did not feel the same way as my Facebook friends. He was not in agreement for the testing. Even after everything I had explained. He told me that I could get tested, but he would not.
So here is where I am right now. I'm leaning on the side of getting tested. But there are so many What ifs?
What if I am a carrier?
What if Josh is, and he doesn't get tested?
What if I have another baby, and the baby is sick?
What if we both get tested, and there is still health issues?
The list keeps going. I am about 90% sure I want another baby. I am about 90% sure I'll get tested. I am about 90% sure I am freaked out.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Tiffany LaBreck Mott-
My dearest and oldest friend. Oldest as in, oldest and I've known the longest. Haha. She was my partner in crime from about 13-18. We started off innocent. (Or at least I was.) We've been through funny things, sad things, and some things that I don't even remember. She's a super strong woman and momma. She has 3 boys, who are just awesome. I love that when I go back to New York, she's always there. We can always pick up where we left off and there is never any awkwardness.
Tiff, I love you. I would not be who I am today if I hadn't been your friend!
Sara, my party friend! She was my rock when my husband deployed to Iraq. I didn't want to be her friend at first. Skinny little blond thing. But it worked. She was great. We did everything together. Even went to the gas station together. If I hadn't had her, I would have been a complete mess, more that I was anyway. She made me laugh, was there when I cried, and she taught me a lot! She is a rock, with a huge heart. She has a mind to learn and share. She has 2 little boys, almost the same ages as mine. Pretty cool, I think. I hate that she lives in Florida across the country. But we've remained friends all these years, and we can keep on doing it!
Sara- Thank you for being my strong friend, supportive and fun! Love you!
Jenni- Who would have ever thought we'd be friends? Not me! Our husbands were friends growing up. So when we came to Washington to visit in 1999, I met Jenni. She was pregnant and quiet. Nothing like me. Then years later, we we moved back here to WA, I was once again introduced to her. But this time, it was different. After a few months, we got close and now she is truly my best friend! She is nuts. Crazy, funny, and loving. She has a huge heart and an open door. She'll help you out whenever she can. Its amazing. The thing I always say about Jen is this; I can be my utmost self with her, and she loves me anyway. I have been sick and miserable in a hospital bed and she's come and made me laugh so hard I thought I would rip my stitches. She's been my friend through laughter and tears. Supports me in all my decisions. I really feel like she'll be my best friend until the day I die. We'll be those old ladies you see, acting too young and looking stupid.
Jenni- Thank you for being there, always, and making me smile! Thank you for loving my kids, without judgement!
Ammy- What can I say about Ammy? She's a fighter. When we met, it was through a stay-at-home-mom's group website. We were lonely moms with nothing to do. We were both living at our in-laws, stuck in a new state. We instantly connected. AnnMarie and I are an odd couple. Tiny little thing, and well, me. But that never matters when we are together. We goof off, laugh and hang out. Its always comfortable. She's a tough cookie, who somehow, always gets her way. When we go through rough patches, the other can always make you smile. I love that. Our kids love each other too. Its so sweet. Someday, they'll marry. AnnMarie loves things with a passion too. DMB, Jamba Juice, and bags of all shapes and sizes and Disney.
Denelle- You're crazy. Another friend who always gets her way.... Denelle and I met online in a support group for women with PCOS. We were both pregnant at the same time and she seemed 'normal'. She moved back here to WA, and we decided to meet. We met at a park, and after about a minute, Joshua puked on the ground and Lucas started fussing. She knew what she was getting into from the moment we met. For some reason, she wanted to hang out again. This time she came to my house and hung out for like 9 hours! LOL. We have a bond that pretty cool. I'm not sure if its because I was a military wife, that we had kids around the same time, or that we both PCOS, but I love her. She's fun. She likes most of the same things that I like. (Except the whole New Moon thing? WTH is that?) She's a good cook, puts up with my weirdness and she's so much fun to be around. She's a strong wife and mom, who's dealing with extremly hard things.
These ladies are my closest friends. I am blessed with other friends in my life, but these girls are what make me really happy. Another thing that I truly, truly love is that they are all friends on Facebook. They all chat about something, even though most of them have never met. It makes me smile to think that maybe, just maybe, we'll all be together someday!
I forget where we started.
I forget what we've been through.
It hard to always remember what a miracle Joshua is. How badly I wanted a baby. Desperate to have him. I remember years of infertility and sadness. I was so scared that God wouldn't give me what I had wanted most in the world. I always wanted to be a mom. I never had a career path when asked by guidance counselors. I would tell that that I wanted to be a mom and wife. It wasn't a huge aspiration, but it was my dream.
Then there is Lucas. You might think that its easier to remeber where we started with Lucas. But its not. Yes, its more frequent that it is with Joshua. But its still not easy. When you have a kid who can only communicate with crying, and gets sick all the time, its not something that comes to mind all the time. Lucas wasn't supposed to be here. He was a 'missed miscarriage' as one doctor put it. He was supposed to be blind and deaf, as another doctor told us. Those things are always there. But reading back to the early days, it just amazes me.
I like to think that I write this blog to help 'someone', 'somewhere'. But in all reality, I write this blog for myself. I love reading back. I need to look back. It brings me out of the reality of a crazy house, and back to the love and desire I have for my family. I am blessed, truley blessed.
Anyway, here are a few pictures!
Joshua and Jackson