Sunday, September 26, 2010

3 letters....

This might be weird for someone who doesn't know me. But I'm weird. So now you know me.

I am moving away from a place that I love. I knew it would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard.

Washington is great. My house is nice. My friends are amazing.

I have 2 very close friends that I will be leaving behind in my move. It is quite devastating actually. You'd think that I would be used to this by now. I left my home state of NY after 20 years. I don't think I even shed a tear that day. I left Hawaii after 3 years and a bunch of close friends. I left Texas after 3 years and well, I cried. But this is where I saw my life. This is where I settled. The military life was over, and I let my guard down and made relationships that I knew would last a lifetime. And now I am faced with the reality, that my life here is over and my friends will be staying here.

I am also leaving behind a family that I loved. I am going through a messy divorce right now and it has changed my relationships. It is something that I never saw coming. I thought that no matter what happened, the love and effort that I put into making this my family would have lasted. But I was wrong. So not only do I leave the people that I called family, I am no longer part of it. I am hurt by that, deeper than I think they'll ever know.

I am blogging a lot these last couple of weeks. I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotion and this is the best way for me to get a sense of release. So as I share my feelings, remember this is for me. Not for you. <3

Goodbye letters:

Family- As I say goodbye to you, I will try to take away the anger I am feeling for a few moments. Please know that I am hurt and saddened by the acts of betrayal and the feelings of neglect and distrust. I thought that after 10 years, you knew who I was and that I never wavered with my beliefs.
I have loved being a part of this family. As dysfunctional as it was sometimes, it was fun and I enjoyed all the years. I loved the game nights, our Christmas sleep overs, and just knowing each of you and your favorite things. It was the simple things that made this family great. I am sad that its over. I hope that you will remember that I loved you, and that my kids loved you. I will always try to remember the good, before all of the bad.

Now....the tears start.

Denelle- My dear, sweet friend. I am going to miss you so much. I love that I can be so relaxed and comfortable with you. I love that I can talk about anything in the world with you and you listen. You remember the silliest details, and you love the juicy ones! I love that I can spend hours with you and never tire. I love that we are so similar too. Its cracks me up. The ketchup thing last week...priceless.
I love your children. And I mean truly LOVE them. Mirianna is the sweetest little girl. I am going to miss her, and her love for me! <3 And those 2 new angels. I swear, they are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. And don't get me started on my little boyfriend. I <3 him so!
I love your husband too. (No, not that way) You are a lucky, lucky woman. Know that. I love that he wants nothing more in this world than to see you happy and make those kiddos smile. He is an amazing husband and daddy, and I am so glad that you have found such a good man in this world. It gives me hope that men like that do exist.
I hope that wherever the Army takes you, that it is somehow close to me. If I could get another 3 years with you, I would be a happy, happy woman. I am so sad that I won't see those kids grow in person. I wish that I could be around to see who they become and play a tiny role, somehow. I wish that I could get more time with you. I feel so very lucky to have met you, to have spent time with you and that I get to call you my best friend. Thank you for never, ever judging me. For always opening your door to me. And for always having a smile....and a HUG.

I love you my dear friend. I will never forget you.

I can't believe that I am writing a goodbye letter to you on my blog. But whatever, I'm doing it. I could have emailed one, or written it in a card. But someone, this is right.
I have no words to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would still love you more. I have never been so close to a person in my life, not even my husband. Its strange, actually. In a totally awesome way. I can laugh with you. Cry with you. Talk about nonsense with you. Or even sit and say nothing. I know that I will never have another friendship like ours as long as I live.
I can't even being to tell you how sad I am to leave you. I honestly can't even come up with words. Its just hurts to think about leaving you.

I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things that I can write about you. First of all, you are funny. Hilarious. And I love it. You are kind and generous. You are so cool and thoughtful. :-) You are smart, beautiful, a great mom, an amazing wife, a wonderful daughter and sister and the best friend that anyone could ever have. You give the best advice, and I swear, I will be calling you for advice on every decision.....just as I do now. Thank God we both and AT&T!!!

I am so sad that our boys won't grow up together, as we had dreamed. I am so sad that I won't grow old with you either. I am sad that we won't have our weekly Thursdays. That we won't have our girls nights, shopping trips, and craft time. I am sad that we won't hang out, for hours, doing nothing. I am sad that we won't have weekend trips. I am sad that I won't see you, whenever I want. I am so very, very sad. I am sad that you are the one person in the world that knows me the best and now I'm moving away.

I am going to miss you, but I am also going to miss your family. I love your family. I am going to miss each one of your boys. I am sad that I can't watch them grow into men. They are amazing, smart, athletic boys who are going to cause so much trouble with girls.....
I am going to miss Tony. Over the years I have grown to love him. He is so unpredictable....but reliable at the same time. I am going to miss your parents. They are the sweetest people ever! I love how they make me feel like a part of their family too. I've always appreciated that about them.

So, to my best friend, I love you. You will never know how much. You will never know how much I'm going to miss you. You will never know how much you meant to me. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, without question. For loving my boys, with out judgement. Thank you for always being on my side, looking out for my best interests, telling me how it is, and giving me sound advice. I could not have come this far without you in my corner. You will continue to fight right along side me, even though we are miles apart. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

To take a quote from Greys Anatomy...
Meredith said, Derek is the love of my life, but you are my soul mate. That is how I feel about you- minus the love of my life part. Hopefully that will come later. But Jenni, that's how I feel about our relationship. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!

'good' byes

Tonight I had a little going away party. It was just a collection of girls from my area who I love and wanted to have one last night girls night with. Its funny how you 'collect' friends over the years. When you think back to how you met them, its funny who sticks around and who doesn't.

We had margaritas, chips and salsa, cinnamon chips and fruit salsa and brownies and cookies. It was a nice little spread, I must say. We hung out and talked, which of course girls do best. Then we had a little store run and we were back for a board game. It was a super casual night, with no real agenda. And without boys around, no fighting or cheating with the game either. LOL

I didn't think too much about the goodbyes at the end of the night. But as we came to the end, it started to get a little hard. We made it quick and sweet before anything got teary. But as soon as I closed the garage door, the tears started. I am friends with these girls, but never really thought that it would be this hard. They have been a blessing in my life. As little as I saw them, or as much, having them has meant so much to me. Knowing that they would always listen or go and have a girls night, was awesome. I am going to miss them so much. I don't even think that they know how much it means that they came over tonight.

My time in Washington is coming to an end. I am excited, but I am so sad. I expected to live here for the rest of my life. This was the place that I was ready to be. This was the place I called home. This is the place that I want to be. But the time has come to move on. I am ready. I am ready to say goodbye. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad. It is going to be so much harder than I ever thought.

So Washington, thank you. Thank you for your sunshine after rainy days. Thank you for having the most beautiful mountain that took my breath away every time. Thank you for having a cool city so close. Thank you for having amazing people and friends. Thank you for always being green. Thank you for not having extreme weather. Thank you for welcoming me and being home for the last 5 years. Thank you for holding some of the best memories of my life.

'Good' bye.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Oh My Child....

I am overwhelmed with my 4 year old. He is crazy. He is obstinate. He is tough.

But man, oh man, I sure love him. He keeps me on my toes every day. He is a fire cracker. Yes, I said fire cracker. (I am old now, remember?)

Even with the trials of raising a 4 year old, and his confusion of what is happening in life, I am still full of love for him. There are times, where its questionable though. I know its hard for some of you to read that. Maybe your kids are still young. Or maybe they are super sweet. But let me tell you, there are times where I just want to lock him in a closet. I don't....but I want to! :)

Here are some of the things I love about my Joshua. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. He knows how much I love purple. He comforts me when I cry. He is starting to really love his little brother. He is complicated. He is funny.

Like today, we celebrated together that his little brother stuck his tongue out. To most of you, that is not a big deal. But my baby is 2 and has never protruded his tongue. When I told Joshua that Lucas did it, he clapped and rubbed L's head. Its the simple things that make my life so wonderful and make me love my boys so much! I am so thankful that I can celebrate those things with him.

Sometimes its hard to remember that love. When he is hitting, talking back, throwing a fit, getting into trouble, its HARD to feel it. But I know its always there. It'll never go away. And I love that I always know that.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Counting Down and making milestones.,....

So we are counting down the days. Not technically, as we don't know when we are even able to leave yet! LOL But we are excited for this new phase in our lives. I am ready to make this leap and start a new life with my boys. Its going to be hard, but I know that we are going to do fabulously!!

As we sit and wait....we are making some milestones too!

Joshua has started school. He is in a K-2 program. Its pre-kindergarten class at a public school. His first day was today and mommy was so excited! :) He wasn't too thrilled, but he did great and I think we'll get the hang of this soon. The class is all day Tue/Thurs every other Friday. It was nice to have a break from my little man. We've been spending a LOT of time together, and it was probably great for him, Lucas and mommy to have some break time!

Lucas has been doing great too! We have been using a walker in therapy and we've been able to bring one home for temporary use. At first I didn't have it in the house unless we were going to use it. But I brought it in, and Lucas loves it. He just crawls up to it and uses it! It amazes me. He is so proud of himself and he is doing so good with it!

Life has been pretty hard lately for me. I am full of hope, but there are times where I am so lost. I feel so alone here. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and I would be a complete wreck without them!! But there are times when all I need is a hug and someone close. I really want to share my everyday life with that someone, and well, that someone is no longer. I never wanted to be single. I always wanted to be married. And here I am, alone. It sucks, basically. LOL. I will say that I am still happy, even being alone. Even doing everything on my own. Even with taking care of a hyper 4 year old and a sick, complicated baby. Even being scared out of my mind. I am still happier!

So I guess its just a waiting game until we get the go ahead. Then, onward we go! Our new life----Here we come! Watch out!