Friday, June 8, 2012

A New World

I have always hoped and believed many things for my child.
When I was pregnant with Lucas, I was told he probably wouldn't survive the pregnancy.
I hoped and believed that he would.
I was told that he might not live outside of my womb.
But I hoped and believed that he would.
I was told that he couldn't hear or see us.
But I knew he could. And I believed he'd prove them wrong.
All of those things weren't true. He was born alive, breathed on his own, came out of tests and surgeries and thrived like they told us he wouldn't.
I have kept hoping and believing as the years have gone by. Simple things like; pooping, swallowing, drinking and eating. Little things that you never imagine your baby NOT doing. I remember his first goals in therapy were to look at me and possibly, eventually, smile at me.
And I'll never forget the moment he followed something and the when he first smiled at me. Those moments will last forever.
As Lucas got older, the milestones grow further apart. Seeing progress gets slower and you start to just settle where you're at. We still have goals in therapy, but they are broader and will take much longer to achieve.
Or so I thought.
Lucas got a walker this past summer. It was a a small, little compact walker that was a struggle to use in the beginning. He couldn't turn and didn't look where he was going. But I knew that we had to use it all the time in order for it to serve its purpose. As he started school, the walker was part of his everyday routine. Mommy wasn't there to carry him and help him navigagte as much, and so, he learned to use it on his own. And quite well actually. The little bugger can basically run in it now!
But in all honesty, I never imagined Lucas without a walker. When I looked ahead at his life, I saw him as a teenager with a walker. I saw him talking, and doing every day tasks on his own. But I just never pictured him walking without assistance.
Here is where I have failed. Did I not hope and believe what I should have been? I feel strange and sad, that I never gave him that dream or allowed myself to even think to that point. Because you know what?

It has been an amazing few months watching Lucas learn this new world of exploration. Every time I see him walk, it still blows me away. I am beyond proud. What a miracle.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Simple words

There are days where I doubt everything.

There are days when I don't know what I am doing; how I'm going to make it another day; how I'm going to handle this life that I live.

I struggle with being scared.
I struggle with having enough strength.
I struggle with being able to be alone.

But there are days....and there are weeks, when I am thrown back by the words of my friends and family. I am so lucky to have people in my life who speak words of kindness and encouragement to me that help me get through the simplest, and the hardest days. I don't know if they realize what an impact their words have on me, but they keep me going. They help hold my head high. They carry me when I feel like I am falling.

Sometimes its the simple words.

I was speaking with my best friend and I was amazed at a girl that balances full time nursing school, work and coaching a lacrosse team. I just didn't understand how she was able to handle it all and I just thought she was amazing. Jenni said to me: People say that about you ALL the time, Rachel.
    --- those are words that give me encouragement.

Yesterday I received a text message from a friend. We don't talk on the phone or text very much, so this meant a little bit more to me. It said: I've been having a rough week and thought of you and all that you've overcome. Just wanted you to know you're an inspiration.
  ---those are words that lift me up and keep me going.

Then, there are statements like this:
Relaxing day with my friend, Rachel and her sweet boys. Many of us are moms and face the nitty gritty of all that it requires. I admire this amazing momma for the extra challenges she faces. She doesn't say it is easy but she makes it look so. This is a standing ovation to all you moms with special needs kids, all the time and energy you pour out that the rest of us take for granted. Those two boys are blessed beyond measure. Lucas is a treasure and his big brother is so sweet with him. You are raising those boys with love and it shows. Love ya, Rach... Admire and respect you.
  ----those are words that make me cry, encourage me, and help me hold my head high!

I am constantly encouraged by my parents who believe in me far beyond anyone. Without their belief in me, I'm not sure I could even continue this path I am on.

I am not sure how I got so lucky with such amazing people who love and support me. But I promise to never take it for granted. Without their encouragement and push, I couldn't make it one day.

So thank you to all who say kind words of encouragement to me. It may be small, but it means the world. My life is a little bit easier because of you! <3