Saturday, August 28, 2010

Whoa is me....

Whoa, my life is crazy!

So its official. I am getting a divorce. Never did I think that I would actually be saying that. I knew that my marriage was rough. I knew that my marriage was not a typical one. But I thought that if we had made it through everything we had, that we'd actually survive. But 10 years has come and gone, and we are separating and going our own ways.

I have been on my own with the kids for almost 5 months. Its been pretty rough. But I did have babysitters and I was on vacation in NY for 5 weeks with my parents. So now I am home, and completely on my own and wow, this is hard!

I am having a bit of shock. OK, a lot of shock. I have 2 kids, yes I am aware. I have a special needs child. Yes, also known. But am I really capable of doing this? Really, really?

I know that this blog is for ALL people to read. But as I have stated before, it basically for me to get out my thoughts, frustration and vent. And that is really what this is about.

I know that I am a strong woman. I know that I love my kids more than life itself and more than I ever thought possible. I know that my dreams DO NOT always come true. And I am learning that my dreams can come in MANY, MANY forms.

I dreamed of being a stay at home mom for my entire life. Well you know what Rachel? You got your dream. It didn't last as long as you'd hoped, but you did it. And you loved every moment of that time with your kids.

I dreamed of being in a big city and living a life of cool possibilities. Well Rachel, you did it. You lived in Hawaii, Texas and Washington and you got to experience Seattle. You got to do some super awesome things while you were there. It may have not been as long as you had hoped, but it was still amazing.

I dreamed of my own home. A happy family. Watching my kids grow. Well, that happened. You got your house. Its time to let it go, but you got it. You will soon be with your family- and you WILL be happy. And you will get to watch your children grow and become amazing, wonderful, respectful, hardworking, and talented men!

I dreamed of loving a man until the day that I died. A love that would stand the test of time, the trials of life and its tribulation. Well, Rachel, you loved. You loved hard and long and with all your heart. It may have not been a dream love, or a love that gave back, but you tried your hardest and you gave it your everything.

I know that there is a wonderful future for me and boys. I know that fully. I know that I am meant for great things. I was given a strong will for a reason. I am tough and feisty and I know what I want, and that will get me through this.

Its easy to be strong when you type these things out. I just wish I didn't have these tears.......

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Holy Birthday?!

Well, my little wee baby is turning 2! Isn't that amazing?! I love looking back over the last 2 1/2 years at this little man's life. I am in awe every time I reminisce. He is a miracle, through and through.

Here is a video montage from last years 1 year birthday. I reminisce a lot!

This year, Lucas is doing pretty amazing. He is still crawling around like a maniac. Its amazing how fast he actually is. He is babbling and 'singing'. Sometimes he will hold a little conversation with you. (In high pitched squeaks, that is) He loves to climb stairs, squeeze animals, and pull hair. He is showing some signs of an average 2 year old, too. He is hitting, biting and not listening to the word 'NO'. Its a nice reminder of how far he has actually come!

Lucas is still in PT, OT, Speech and Vision therapy weekly. Its been such a blessing for him. I realized how much of an impact it has on him, when we were gone for 5 weeks to NY. But we are getting back in to the swing of things around here.

Lucas can light up a room when he is there. Everyone falls in love with him. I call him prince charming because he is so sweet and he has a charm over people. He has to go through so much physically, yet he is so forgiving immediately after.

I just am in love with my little boy. He has made my life mean something more than I ever thought possible. He has made my life worth it. I sometimes wonder why. I wonder why this happen to him? Why did this happen to me? And then I realize that it is the way it is supposed to be. I wouldn't change my sweet angel for anything in the world! He is perfect and amazing, just the way God made him! <3