Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Life and Death

As I sit at the death bed of a stranger, holding her hand, watching if each breath is her last, I wonder:

What was her life like?
Who was she? Did she love?
Did she really live?
Did she suffer tragedy?
Did she do all that she wanted in this life?
And why was she alone?

My God, I hope that on my death bed, I am surrounded by my family. My people. The ones that know me and my life. That they celebrate my life, who I was....what I was.

I hope on my death bed, that if I am with a stranger, that she will hold my hand, tell me that everything will be ok, and that I can let go.

And I hope that she will wonder that same things about me.....and that she will go and live.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

This Life

Lately, I am at my end. It is a struggle to be out of patience and grace all the time. 

It is also a struggle to see your child suffering and not be able to help.

Lucas has always been a difficult child. But as he grows and changes, so does his challenges.
As an infant, he was extremely difficult, medically. But he was the easiest, happiest, sweetest baby. Because his health was so fragile, we were in and out of doctors offices a couple times a week, every week, every month. It was exhausting. But his sweet disposition and mellowness made it ok.

As he became healthier, different challenges arose. He became mobile, which brought on a whole new set of challenges for him, along with a vast array of therapies. But his demeanor was still so sweet, that is was ok.

But here we are now, age 5. He is mobile, fast as lightening, and a wanderer. He has wants and desires and needs that he can not communicate. He does not understand so many important, necessary things that go on daily in our house. When he was smaller, he was so pleasant and happy.... but things are different now. He is not that constantly sweet little boy. He is a frustrated, misunderstood, hurting from somewhere I can't understand, child. He is violent, strong and self abusive. His self abuse is becoming so bad lately, that the once open palmed smacks to his head have turned into closed fist punches to his eye and forehead.

There are times, still quite plentiful, where my sweet Lucas is just that. He is gentle and loving and he can belly laugh like no other. But those times are becoming fewer and far between. And I miss that gentle, sweet boy so very badly.

There are more and more times when he is refusing to walk, throwing himself on the ground, hitting anyone or anything around him, pulling hair, punching himself, throwing toys or food or whatever is in his grasp. And I just can't take it anymore. I can't. There has to be something that we can do to help him. There has to be something that we can do to get him to a better place. Because if this continues for a couple more years, I'm am so scared what our lives will be like. I feel like a horrible mom most of the time, too. From having to neglect Joshua because Lucas gets all of the attention. What kind of life am I putting him through? He doesn't deserve to be yelled at because mom is frustrated. He doesn't deserve to be ignored because I need quiet time alone. And he doesn't deserve to be hit and hurt by his little brother.

I have made the call to talk with his pediatrician soon. We need to figure out something to help this boy, and help my family. Whether its diet related, partial seizures, inner ear problems, migraine headaches, gastrointestinal problems or just his development...there needs to be a change before I have a nervous breakdown.