Sunday, October 20, 2013

A slight change of plans

For the last three years, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. One thing remained constant in all of it, I was happy. I had a freedom that had never existed and with that came happiness. Pure and simple. No matter what was thrown my way, I've been happy living here in NY with my boys. So over the course of these three years, I have changed jobs, had a couple boyfriends and started college towards my dream job. I can honestly say that I was the happiest person I had known, even through the hard times, the struggles and the tears.

Then came August. The start of my senior year of nursing school and the dreaded third semester. I had embraced the fact that my social life was over and that I would lose time with my kids and
family. I had even dropped down to one night of work a week to compensate for my life being devoted to nursing school. But every single day since the semester began, I was miserable. So utterly stressed and scared and exhausted. I was a mess. I was saying every day, 'I hate my life'. I was crying leaving my clinical's at the hospital, something that I had fallen in love with over the last year and a half of school. Our semesters are 8 weeks long and for the weeks leading up until the end of clinical, I had a feeling of doom. I said numerous times that I didn't think that I was going to make it through. It wasn't me feeling negative, it was the truth. Even after our last clinical, I knew my instructor wasn't going to pass me. And I was right. She failed me from clinical. My paperwork wasn't perfect for a few weeks in a row and she felt that I was unprepared coming into clinical a few times. And so, she failed me. Not because of grades. Not because she didn't think I would be a good nurse. But because my paper work wasn't perfect. I can honestly say that if I had any other instructor, I would have been 100% fine and would have passed.

{Side note: our half of the senior class started with 21. It ended Friday with 10. Our 2-year community college RN program is no freaking joke. Just thought you should know that.}

So after 8 weeks of being sad, miserable, and crying more than I have ever cried, I was out. And after a few more days of freaking out about what I would do with my life, I realized I was happy. I haven't once said that I hate my life. I haven't cried, or had any eye twitch. I have spent time loving on my children and being a mom. I have laughed. I have been smiling. I have been sleeping.

So now, I have to come up with a plan. I have wanted to be a nurse for years. I knew deep down that this was the right job for me. But after my experience with my instructor, I started doubting that. She had made me doubt everything I believed about myself and this career path. So now I am sorting out my feelings of hatred towards my instructor with the love I had for nursing and trying not to mix the two.

I have been embarrassed that I had failed. I am scared about my future, my parents future and what I will do for my children. But I am so beyond lucky to have incredible parents who are still proud of me and love me and want us here with them. They are so supportive, which I am so completely grateful. I am preparing to reapply for the next fall term, starting my senior year over again. Hopefully they'll accept me and I will come back recharged and not have that instructor again! Until then, I am still figuring that out. I have been able to run again and get off my butt and go to the gym. I've had lunch with friends and I'll be back to work a little more. I might even find a part time day job.

So there it is. All on the table.

I even had time for these ----->


Monday, July 8, 2013

A Different Life

In this crazy life that I lead, I am usually swamped. During my semesters at school, I try to juggle being a mom to two very unique children, I try to tread water and survive nursing school, and I try to pay my bills. Its hard to find time to have a social life, spend time with friends, and keep friendships that I treasure that are across the country.  Somehow, I manage it and I have been, semi-successful.

But for a brief period in my year, I am given a little glance at something different. Its a time where I get to be someone else other than 'mom'. My children go and visit their father and grandparents in Washington state and I am here, with no school and no major responsibilities. So for the past 2 weeks, I have been a nomad, a wanderer, a single mom with no one to mother. It is liberating. It is freeing. It is empty.

I treasure this time away because it gives me a chance to relax and focus on myself. But at the same time, its extremely difficult. I do not have a great relationship with that family which is challenging. My ex-husband doesn't participate with his children throughout the year, so it s heartbreaking to send my kids to him, especially Lucas. They don't know him, he doesn't know them. Which makes Joshua's job as big brother, even more work. (Which just deepens my faith that he will become a phenomenal man someday!) So while I try and relax and live a carefree life, I worry about them, miss them like crazy, and can't wait for them to get back to NY.

So what I have been doing for the last almost 3 weeks, you ask? Well, to be honest..... I've slept. A LOT. I had great plans of doing lots of running and laying in the sun. But neither of those things even happened. I have spent time with friends, made new friendships, met old friends, learned to love wine, got a new tattoo, house/dog sat, traveled around the area and slept. A lot. Its been refreshing and relaxing and a lot of fun. I have been able to remember what life was like before I had children. Its been nice actually, but boring. Those boys are sooooo much work. Its unbelievable how much work. But Oh My God, I love them. They make my heart flutter, and beat to a rhythm I had never felt before. Loving another human without any selfish reason is incredible and what makes us, humans!

So, I have thoroughly enjoyed my single life for the last couple weeks, but its time for them to come home. I am a girl who longs for schedules and routines and plans, and I am ready to get back on track. I am ready to hug my babies and have them home safe with me. I am ready for chaos and yelling and messes and cooking and bedtimes and car seats and laundry. UGH laundry. Gross.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Words to remember....

Recently, I have been surrounded by such encouraging relationships that have been helping me become a better parent. It makes me wish that I had these relationships from the beginning when Lucas was born. So, if at all possible, I want to be that 'someone', for someone else.

I sent this to a friend the other day hoping to encourage her, but in turn, it encouraged me.

Her baby is having surgery soon and she said it would be like starting over. This was my reply:

It will be. And then, you'll handle it perfectly and relearn. It'll always be one step forward, two steps back. But 100% honest (and now I'm crying), that one step forward, no mater how big or small, will blow you away. You'll celebrate it like other parents can't even imagine!

Simple meaningless things will matter! And it'll change you're life in the best ways!!

Right now my frustration is with seeing the people I was pregnant with on Facebook, with their 5 year olds, getting ready for kindergarten. They can do everything, and we are soo far behind. It's been one of the hardest things to deal with over the years:


I go through phases with it. Sometimes it's no big deal, and other times I'm sad or just plain angry.

But, she {her daughter} will love. Love so strong, without inhibitions, fear or conditions. She will be happy with one friend or 12, or even, just you. The things in life that mean the most to us, sometimes, won't even have a part for her (or Lucas); and it makes us sad because we hold it so important. But that's not what life is sometimes. Life is about living to the fullest. Loving who you are and what you are doing! She will have that. She will have joy from the simplest pleasures in life.

My kid freaks out over ceiling fans. Like, loves them more than almost anything. And that to him is important. And that changes my life!! Now, I love ceiling fans too, and running water. It's the purest joy and it is absolutely incredible.

But there will be times of sadness, and disappointment. But honestly, I think its just what us parents go through, not the kids.

I will read this time and time again, and I will use these words to calm my fears and to encourage me when I'm feeling discouraged. I hope that it helped her and that it will somehow be words that she will always keep in her heart.

Being a parent to a child with disabilities is so hard. There are days when I just want to crawl in bed and cry and hide away. I am exhausted from everyday life, changing diapers every single day for the past 7 1/2 years, dealing with specialists and medications, therapies and school, and the other million things. But it is also the most rewarding job. One little smile from your child can change your entire day. One little 'move' that he's been working on for months in therapy, can make your horrible week worth every second. And a hug instead of a hit in the face, makes all of the hits in the face, OK.

I've always wondered my purpose in life. I never had a real career path, until I was forced into a finding a job after my divorce. I feel like I have chosen the right path, but it wasn't something that has come easy for me. But what I have recently discovered is that I was made to be my son's mom. I know that every parents says that about their children, and it's true.
 I never knew why I was here until now....and it is an incredible feeling. <3 p="">