A slight change of plans

For the last three years, a lot has happened and a lot has changed. One thing remained constant in all of it, I was happy. I had a freedom that had never existed and with that came happiness. Pure and simple. No matter what was thrown my way, I've been happy living here in NY with my boys. So over the course of these three years, I have changed jobs, had a couple boyfriends and started college towards my dream job. I can honestly say that I was the happiest person I had known, even through the hard times, the struggles and the tears.

Then came August. The start of my senior year of nursing school and the dreaded third semester. I had embraced the fact that my social life was over and that I would lose time with my kids and
family. I had even dropped down to one night of work a week to compensate for my life being devoted to nursing school. But every single day since the semester began, I was miserable. So utterly stressed and scared and exhausted. I was a mess. I was saying every day, 'I hate my life'. I was crying leaving my clinical's at the hospital, something that I had fallen in love with over the last year and a half of school. Our semesters are 8 weeks long and for the weeks leading up until the end of clinical, I had a feeling of doom. I said numerous times that I didn't think that I was going to make it through. It wasn't me feeling negative, it was the truth. Even after our last clinical, I knew my instructor wasn't going to pass me. And I was right. She failed me from clinical. My paperwork wasn't perfect for a few weeks in a row and she felt that I was unprepared coming into clinical a few times. And so, she failed me. Not because of grades. Not because she didn't think I would be a good nurse. But because my paper work wasn't perfect. I can honestly say that if I had any other instructor, I would have been 100% fine and would have passed.

{Side note: our half of the senior class started with 21. It ended Friday with 10. Our 2-year community college RN program is no freaking joke. Just thought you should know that.}

So after 8 weeks of being sad, miserable, and crying more than I have ever cried, I was out. And after a few more days of freaking out about what I would do with my life, I realized I was happy. I haven't once said that I hate my life. I haven't cried, or had any eye twitch. I have spent time loving on my children and being a mom. I have laughed. I have been smiling. I have been sleeping.

So now, I have to come up with a plan. I have wanted to be a nurse for years. I knew deep down that this was the right job for me. But after my experience with my instructor, I started doubting that. She had made me doubt everything I believed about myself and this career path. So now I am sorting out my feelings of hatred towards my instructor with the love I had for nursing and trying not to mix the two.

I have been embarrassed that I had failed. I am scared about my future, my parents future and what I will do for my children. But I am so beyond lucky to have incredible parents who are still proud of me and love me and want us here with them. They are so supportive, which I am so completely grateful. I am preparing to reapply for the next fall term, starting my senior year over again. Hopefully they'll accept me and I will come back recharged and not have that instructor again! Until then, I am still figuring that out. I have been able to run again and get off my butt and go to the gym. I've had lunch with friends and I'll be back to work a little more. I might even find a part time day job.

So there it is. All on the table.

I even had time for these ----->