So I have been without a 'personal' doctor since I had Lucas. The midwives I started the pregnancy with are long gone. The high risk perinatologists are also, long gone. So what to do? I was in need of a new doc. I searched the internet, but much to my dismay, not very many websites for offices. What is this, 2001? So I just picked one that sounded good and went with it. His name was Julius. That just sounds smart, right?
The office was nice. The nurses was uber friendly and outgoing. The doctor was, big; old; gray. I likey. Why? Big- he probably won't harp on my weight. Old- he's been around. Seen lots. Gray- isn't caught up with appearances.
He asked a gazillion questions. Things I haven't been asked before. I'm not a typical patient. I have issues. I've had issues for years. He wasn't intimidated by anything. Then we got onto the topic of Lucas. Special needs baby, crazy delivery, etc. Then he brought up the topic of more babies. And then, genetic testing. Yikes.
Lucas has a chromosome abnormality that could have been a fluke, or that could have been handed down from either Josh or I. Lucas has an unbalanced trans location. Part of chromo 13 is missing and is replaced with an extra 22. (You can read more here from a previous blog). So what Josh and I could have, is called a balanced trans location. Where we have the full 13 and 22, but the little pieces are swapped. We would show no signs of any issues, but our children might. Hence Lukey.
While at the hospital, we agreed to the testing, if our insurance would pay for it. But they denied it. So we figured it was for the best. Honestly, we haven't thought about testing since. Until last week that is. While sitting, listening to my doctor talk about getting tested, OK urging the testing, I was conflicted. At first I wanted to cry. I was uncomfortable hearing all of it. Then, I was pissed. How dare he urge me to get tested. We finished our appointment, and after he apologised for going into so much detail, he assured me that he was comfortable with anything I decided.
But it wasn't as simple as an apology. This was now stuck in my head. For good. I'm a harper. I harp on things. Until they are resolved. Just ask my husband. I was confused. What is right? Where did we stand?
I asked the question to my Facebook world. Some mearly strangers, others my closest friends in the world. What did they think? What would they do?
After weighing the pros and cons for both, I was still confused. All of my friends said they would do it. They would rather know before bringing another baby into the world. How could I live with the fact that I could have prevented it. Or knowing would give me a reassurance that everything would be OK.
Then I brought it up with to my husband. He did not feel the same way as my Facebook friends. He was not in agreement for the testing. Even after everything I had explained. He told me that I could get tested, but he would not.
So here is where I am right now. I'm leaning on the side of getting tested. But there are so many What ifs?
What if I am a carrier?
What if Josh is, and he doesn't get tested?
What if I have another baby, and the baby is sick?
What if we both get tested, and there is still health issues?
The list keeps going. I am about 90% sure I want another baby. I am about 90% sure I'll get tested. I am about 90% sure I am freaked out.