Every night, before I go to sleep, I sneak into my boys' dark room and I tuck them in. It is my favorite part of the day. Joshua removes the sheet and blanket and only uses his comforter, every single night. So I re-adjust the blanket 'situation', kiss his forehead and whisper that I love him. And Lucas always kicks off his favorite, baby blue, handmade blanket, and somehow turns himself sideways. So I cover him up, turn him in the right direction and rub his little head.
Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.
I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.
I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.
Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.
I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.
Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.
Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.
I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.