motherhood

I had both sides of the spectrum of motherhood today. I had to punish and ground my 6 year old, and I held a sleepy giggling little 3 year old while he fell asleep. I could not ask for a better job in the world. It takes every ounce of energy and love I have, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I struggle a lot with motherhood though. For instance, last week I came down with a bad cold and felt horrible. I got a call that Lucas' MRI was scheduled for the next morning at 8am...in Rochester. That's a 3 hours drive from home. So I got up and started getting stuff done. Laundry, packing, getting myself together. I was stressed and feeling horrible and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed. But I got in the car and drove to my brothers. In the midst of it, I got frustrated. Bothered. Just plain mad. How can their father just sit in a different state and not do crap? How is that fair? How come I have to deal with all of it alone? He gets one week at Christmas playing around and goofing off and looking like the hero and mom has to punish, force homework, do baths, and daily routines. This is NOT what I signed up for when I got married and decided to have kids.
Now don't get me wrong here. I do NOT want to be with my ex. And I would NEVER go back to what we had. I would take that horrible day from last week, over and over again like Groundhog's day, if I had to pick a life. But still, I struggle with the fact that this is what our life has turned in to.

But I have come to 2 conclusions....

#1. I am beyond lucky to have my parents. For a bagillion reasons.

#2. I am stronger than I even know. I doubt it most of the time, but I am often reminded by people in my life. For some reason, everyone else can see it, except me.

So today I thoroughly enjoyed the giggling little sleepy boy, who later threw a fit on the floor, grunting and hitting his head for 5 minutes; and the misbehaving 6 year old, who wrote letters of apology and went to be like an angel.

No matter what happens in my daily life with these two imperfect-perfect boys of mine, the sickness we all get, the frustrations we all get, the struggles we face each day together: life isn't fair.
But what it is, is the way it should be. I know that we are in the right place at the right time. I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. And that I have enough love to cover both of my boys until the day that I die. <3