An Amazing New Year

It is completely strange to think about how different life is this year, compared to last year. There are still a lot of similarities though, too. How could there not be? I am still me, and I still have children. But there are so many other things that have changed about our life.

This year, we said a lot of goodbyes. We said goodbye to bad things. We said goodbye to wonderful things. To possessions, family, attitudes, regrets, unhappiness, negativity, friends, comforts, and sadness. But we also greeted many things too. Independence, love, generosity, kindness, happiness, simplicity, and a new future.

This year has been, by far the most drastic of years. And let me tell you, I've had my fair share of drama. But, I can honestly say, I know that I made the best decision possible for my boys and I. There is not one doubt. And I love that. People may have questioned choices that I made, questioned who I was or what I was doing. But I know that I stayed true to myself, and mature through it all. I am proud of the way that I handled things, and I am thankful that my children will be proud one day too. It wasn't easy leaving. It wasn't easy at all. I just hope that they will understand someday, that I did it for them. I did it for myself. I did it for our future as a family.

When I look back on this year, it will be a milestone. It will mark 12 years I gave a man my whole heart. It will mark 10 years that I gave my marriage everything. It will mark the year that I finally stood up for myself and realized that I deserved more as a woman, wife, and mother. It will mark our move across the country and the sacrifice my parents made for us. It will mark who my true friends are, the ones who stood by my side through it all. It will mark the year that I made a change in myself and got healthy. 2010 will mark the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I am a proud woman. I am proud mother. I am excited about what is next for us. I am excited to watch my children grow and learn. I can not wait to see what 2011 holds for them. I love them with every bone in my body, and every part of my heart. And I am so thankful that I have them by my side everyday.

Sometimes I can take my own advice

I love reading through my blog. I actually enjoy my own writing, and reminiscing about my life. But sometimes, I love the wisdom that I have- that somehow gets lost or forgotten.

*life is different now, titles have changed. But the idea is still the same I suppose
--copied from a previous post


Lately I've been feeling out of sorts. I've been feeling not myself. Stressed, worried, tired- ok exhausted, scared. Those of which aren't really me. Yes, I stress. Yes I worry. Yes, I'm tired. But lately, its been to the extreme. I think that the last year is finally catching up to me. Life has taken its toll and I'm kinda freaking out. The 'week of tears' kind of put me in a rut and I haven't been able to get out of it. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway which is well well over due and sooooooooooooo needed. Can you tell I really need a break? :o)

I've been worried about myself, a good sign I guess in the scheme of things. If I didn't care about my well being then you should probably worry. I've been not wanting to be a mom, homemaker (which is legally my job title) and wife. Its all been no fun and I want a change of pace. No fun you ask? Well, let me elaborate. I've been dealing with a 3 year old potty trained, jealous, not getting enough time with mom, high spirited, full of energy, acting out little boy. He does weird, very weird things to get my attention. Like peeing on his toys. Pooping on the floor. Stuff like that. Oh yes, that is the no fun I am talking about. I am hoping that this is a phase or way of getting mom's attention, because if this is the ride called life- I WANT OFF! I love that boys and daily he makes me smile. But lately, oohhhh, I just don't know what to do. And more of the no fun.... a fussy, skinny, not getting enough time with mom, needs a lot of attention, 8 month old baby. Oh its just a joy.

And let me just add a little bit of more 'no fun' stuff. Cleaning, cooking, budgeting, laundering, cleaning up of pee on toys, poop off floors, and baking (ok that one if fun).
I am not complaining. I actually have a point to this WHOLE blog. As it is a way for me to vent to the hundreds of people reading (ok 30, LOL), it is also to share this little tid bit.

As I drove down the highway today in a bit of a funk, I saw something neat on the side of the road. There was a little bunch of flowers blooming. It was surrounded by weeds, trash and other not so great stuff found in ditches. But through all of the junk, the flowers bloomed. As I looked at those flowers (while driving 60mph down the highway) I realized that I needed to be like those flowers. Surrounded by junk, i.e. cleaning-stressing-kids, I needed to bloom and grow. That even in this crazy stressful time in my life, there is more important things to focus on. Growing as a person. As a christian, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I hope that in some part of my life that while I am blooming and growing that I can bring laughter, love and brighten someone's day, just like that flower patch did for me today.

Workin' Girl and Weekend Getaways

So, as the title implies, I have a job.

I like my job. And I love that I do.

I am a cashier at a grocery store. Its not glamorous, by any means, but its fun and stress free. I think that I could use that in my life right about now, don't you think?

So I was offered a job through one of my brothers good friends. She heard about my 'situation' and told me that if I needed anything, there was a job waiting for me when I came to town. I wasn't necessarily looking to work, but the idea of getting out and meeting some new people sounded great. So I did. Basically she asked me when I wanted to work, and how much and BAM, that's what I do. Its 3 days a week and well under 20 hours. LOL. Its pretty simple, and I think that is why I like working.

I have met some awesome people. Everyone has been so great and friendly. I really have a lot of fun there. Most of the girls I am with there are pretty young, which has been kinda fun. I get to be the old lady, but at the same time act goofy too. I can do that quite well, no matter what crown I am around though.

I am also planning a little weekend getaway. As you know, I left my very best friend in Seattle when I moved away. Its been so hard adjusting to life without her and well, super, super sad. So dreaming, we talked about a weekend trip and looky what happened.... I booked a flight.
In my divorce, my ex is supposed to have the kids over Christmas, but this year it didn't work out. Mostly because of finances and time frames. So, instead of just taking off alone to see my friend, I decided to offer him to buy a ticket for Joshua. I chose not to take Lucas for a few reasons. For one, flying with 2 kids isn't the most exciting thing to do for a 4 day trip. And for two, Lucas wouldn't care either way. LOL Joshua on the other hand needs to see his dad and grandparents and I knew it would be good for him. As much as I would have rather just gone alone, I knew this was best.
So in 39 days (as Jen pointed out today) We'll be taking a late flight to Seattle and spending a super exciting 3 days there! I for one, am thrilled. Joshua isn't thrilled because I haven't told him yet. Ha. I am waiting until after Christmas to tell him about the trip.

So there is my little update for those who read this. <3

Trying to be Thankful....

I wrote a blog a few days ago where I ended writing about the things that I was thankful for from my ex. It wasn't where I was headed with that blog, but I like where it took me. I never really thought of those things before and it really gave me a new perspective on the ending of my marriage.

There are a lot of things that I have been quite embarrassed about lately. The fact that I am 30 with 2 kids and now single; I live at home with my parents; I get medicaid; and that I am starting all over again after a failed marriage.

But I have so many things to be thankful for.

I have amazing parents. They have been incredible. They are so generous, caring, accepting, loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I would be a lost, crazy mess without them and their support. Both monetarily and emotionally.

I have incredibly supportive friends who had stood by my side through such a crazy time. I wouldn't even know who I was without them.

I am thankful for my children.
Joshua has become a sweet big brother, something that I wanted so badly for so long. He loves Lucas so much, and I am so thankful. He is learning and growing, and its awesome to watch.

I am thankful for the health of Lucas. Since we've been without insurance, I have been so worried about an ER trip, or refilling prescriptions. But he has only had minor illnesses, that we've been able to treat at home.

I am thankful for the incredible support offered by the state. From the medicaid insurance that they kids and I now get to all of the programs offered for Lucas' disability. The therapies are starting up this week, and I can't wait to see what this next chapter holds for Lucas!

I am thankful for the kindness I receive from friends and family everyday.

I am thankful for the roof over my head, the cute car in my driveway, the job that I was given, the new friends that I am making, the old friends who love me and most of all, I am thankful for the future full of possibilities for my kids and I. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us. And I am so thankful that I can say that now.

Civil....

Today marked a new milestone. My ex and I actually had a civil conversation. It was strange and weird. Its been months, and months, and well, months since that's happened. We typically text and its best that way for us. But today there needed to be an actual conversation, and it was, for lack of any other word, good.


I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.


After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.

Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.

The Nitty Gritty....

I had decided that I would keep personal details out of my blog about what happened in my marriage. I am still on the fence about if I really want to share it all or not. I assume that most everyone has the basic idea of what happened. I wrote a blog a while back about the issues that I faced in my 10 years of marriage.
If you would like a refresher on it, here ya go

So, I've always written as if I were talking to someone. If you were sitting in front of me right now, I would tell you this to your face. So why not write it?

Fine, twist my arm.

Soon after I gave birth to Joshua, I found out my husband had cheated on me. This was 2006, almost 6 years into our marriage. He had been dealing with some of his own personal issues, and I chose to stay with him, work it out and forgive. Years later, we finally went in to counseling and I forgave him. Or so I thought. When I forgave him, I let go of the anger and hateful feelings I had toward the situation and him. I forgave him under the pretences that it happened because of the issues he was dealing with after going to war.
I later found out that he had cheated on me before war, while we lived in Hawaii. He openly told me what he had done and I didn't know what to do with that information. Having a sick baby, a preschooler and being unemployed, that new information got brushed aside and put on the back burner.
As some time went by, that information began to take its toll. I never dealt with it properly and I couldn't handle what it was doing to me. Our relationship started to really suffer. It had been a bad marriage from the beginning, and knowing that the cheating had started way back in the beginning was not helping.

In the beginning of 2010, we were at a bad place in our marriage. There was no trust, love, affection, friendship or partnership. There hadn't been for a very, very long time. I was turning 30 and I started feeling a sense of reflection. I had spent 10 years married to man that I no longer loved. A man that never treated me right. A man that had cheated on me, more than I believed he had told me. Did I really want to spend another 10 years living that same way?

He moved out and for once, I felt peace. A sense of peace took over my house, myself and my kids. I knew at that point, it was right. He on the other had did not. He begged for me back, told me he had changed, made excuses, told lies and pretended to be someone he was not. When I came back to NY to get some clarity, it had come out that he was seeing someone. Then it came out that it was more that just someONE. When this happened, it was more than clear that this marriage was over. I say this: when I left WA I was about 97% sure I was done with the marriage. When this came out, there was no doubt that I was done 100%. The clarity was perfect.

The rest is pretty simple really. I went back to WA, hired a lawyer, packed my things and my children and left. It was stressful, but thankfully and quite bittersweet actually, he didn't fight for us to stay in WA. I say that only because it would have been a good gesture for him to put up some fight for his kids. But thankfully, he let us all go. I do not look back and wonder if I did the right thing. I know I did. We are all better off this way, even him.

I am ready to move on. I really don't feel surprised by the end of my marriage. Its more of a relief. I have hope to love again. I have hope that the right man is still there for me. I have hope that I will trust a man, give him my whole heart and truly be happy. I never wanted to be single. I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything, ever since I can remember. I want to love whole heartedly with someone who is deserving of my love. Someone who will love me back, be my partner in everything. Someone who wants to be with me, and my children, and no one else. Someone who is happy with our life and is smart enough to not throw it away for something worthless.

I don't look back anymore and feel like I wasted my life. For quite a while I did. But I am strong because of him. He taught me to be independent and stable. I have my 2 amazing boys because of him. Yes, I wouldn't know of them without him, but my kids have helped form who I am . They as individuals have taught me more things in this life than anyone. And I couldn't have done that without him. If I had stayed gone the first time, I wouldn't have Lucas-- and the world would be a sad, sad place without that amazing little boy. So I don't regret being with him, or staying with him. I don't regret giving him my entire heart. I don't regret loving and giving him my everything. I don't regret staying or trying to make it work time and time again. I don't regret any of it. I am thankful for who I am because of these last 10 years. I am thankful for the amazing people that were brought into my life over this time. I am thankful that I know now exactly what I want and need out of a husband.

Its New York Baby....

Isn't that an exciting title for a blog post? Wow, I like it.

Well, a lot has happened since I got here. Nothing as exciting as that title, mind you. But we've been busy either way.

Joshua has started full time kindergarten. He is doing great adjusting to a new school. It took over 2 weeks to even be sent to the principals office! Surprising, yes, I know! I even remarked to the teacher that I was surprised it took that long! Ha ha ha. But he is back to being a good kid and learning a lot. I am really liking this school so far. Even after being a bit scared at first about the 'ghetto' qualitites I first saw.

Lucas is enrolling in all of his therapies. Everything has paperwork, and then a little more paperwork. He had his initial evaluation to get enrolled into the Birth to Three program here, and now we have 4 more evaluations to finish before we can begin. Yikes. That is only the beginning of the appointments for him right now too. Its been a good busy though. If you know me, I do well busy. Well, fine, I do OK busy. But its good either way.

And as for me.....I start work on Monday. Its not a glamorous job, but I didn't have to apply, or fight for what hours I wanted. My brothers good friend knew I was coming back to NY and said that if I wanted a job, she was holding one for me. So I went in Tuesday and told her what I wanted to work, and well, there ya go. I am excited. I am a bit nervous too. I haven't had a 'first day at work' in over 6 years. Its been a while. But I am happy to be meeting new people and make some new friends.

Its been a quick transition to NY. I got a new car and a new job. I moved in my own things. Its definitely not vacation. Something that I thought I might feel for a while. I am a bit lonely. I am a lot scared. But I am really happy. I know that this was exactly the right move for the boys and I. That hasn't been questioned at all. But its just a bit strange, I guess. I am back in my parents house, with children. It has been a learning experience with pride. I didn't think that I was that prideful, but I have learned that I am. I am dealing with letting things go....and thats a hard lesson.

3 letters....

This might be weird for someone who doesn't know me. But I'm weird. So now you know me.


I am moving away from a place that I love. I knew it would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard.

Washington is great. My house is nice. My friends are amazing.

I have 2 very close friends that I will be leaving behind in my move. It is quite devastating actually. You'd think that I would be used to this by now. I left my home state of NY after 20 years. I don't think I even shed a tear that day. I left Hawaii after 3 years and a bunch of close friends. I left Texas after 3 years and well, I cried. But this is where I saw my life. This is where I settled. The military life was over, and I let my guard down and made relationships that I knew would last a lifetime. And now I am faced with the reality, that my life here is over and my friends will be staying here.

I am also leaving behind a family that I loved. I am going through a messy divorce right now and it has changed my relationships. It is something that I never saw coming. I thought that no matter what happened, the love and effort that I put into making this my family would have lasted. But I was wrong. So not only do I leave the people that I called family, I am no longer part of it. I am hurt by that, deeper than I think they'll ever know.

I am blogging a lot these last couple of weeks. I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotion and this is the best way for me to get a sense of release. So as I share my feelings, remember this is for me. Not for you. <3

Goodbye letters:

Family- As I say goodbye to you, I will try to take away the anger I am feeling for a few moments. Please know that I am hurt and saddened by the acts of betrayal and the feelings of neglect and distrust. I thought that after 10 years, you knew who I was and that I never wavered with my beliefs.
I have loved being a part of this family. As dysfunctional as it was sometimes, it was fun and I enjoyed all the years. I loved the game nights, our Christmas sleep overs, and just knowing each of you and your favorite things. It was the simple things that made this family great. I am sad that its over. I hope that you will remember that I loved you, and that my kids loved you. I will always try to remember the good, before all of the bad.

Now....the tears start.

Denelle- My dear, sweet friend. I am going to miss you so much. I love that I can be so relaxed and comfortable with you. I love that I can talk about anything in the world with you and you listen. You remember the silliest details, and you love the juicy ones! I love that I can spend hours with you and never tire. I love that we are so similar too. Its cracks me up. The ketchup thing last week...priceless.
I love your children. And I mean truly LOVE them. Mirianna is the sweetest little girl. I am going to miss her, and her love for me! <3 And those 2 new angels. I swear, they are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. And don't get me started on my little boyfriend. I <3 him so!
I love your husband too. (No, not that way) You are a lucky, lucky woman. Know that. I love that he wants nothing more in this world than to see you happy and make those kiddos smile. He is an amazing husband and daddy, and I am so glad that you have found such a good man in this world. It gives me hope that men like that do exist.
I hope that wherever the Army takes you, that it is somehow close to me. If I could get another 3 years with you, I would be a happy, happy woman. I am so sad that I won't see those kids grow in person. I wish that I could be around to see who they become and play a tiny role, somehow. I wish that I could get more time with you. I feel so very lucky to have met you, to have spent time with you and that I get to call you my best friend. Thank you for never, ever judging me. For always opening your door to me. And for always having a smile....and a HUG.

I love you my dear friend. I will never forget you.


Jenni-
I can't believe that I am writing a goodbye letter to you on my blog. But whatever, I'm doing it. I could have emailed one, or written it in a card. But someone, this is right.
I have no words to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would still love you more. I have never been so close to a person in my life, not even my husband. Its strange, actually. In a totally awesome way. I can laugh with you. Cry with you. Talk about nonsense with you. Or even sit and say nothing. I know that I will never have another friendship like ours as long as I live.
I can't even being to tell you how sad I am to leave you. I honestly can't even come up with words. Its just hurts to think about leaving you.

I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things that I can write about you. First of all, you are funny. Hilarious. And I love it. You are kind and generous. You are so cool and thoughtful. :-) You are smart, beautiful, a great mom, an amazing wife, a wonderful daughter and sister and the best friend that anyone could ever have. You give the best advice, and I swear, I will be calling you for advice on every decision.....just as I do now. Thank God we both and AT&T!!!

I am so sad that our boys won't grow up together, as we had dreamed. I am so sad that I won't grow old with you either. I am sad that we won't have our weekly Thursdays. That we won't have our girls nights, shopping trips, and craft time. I am sad that we won't hang out, for hours, doing nothing. I am sad that we won't have weekend trips. I am sad that I won't see you, whenever I want. I am so very, very sad. I am sad that you are the one person in the world that knows me the best and now I'm moving away.

I am going to miss you, but I am also going to miss your family. I love your family. I am going to miss each one of your boys. I am sad that I can't watch them grow into men. They are amazing, smart, athletic boys who are going to cause so much trouble with girls.....
I am going to miss Tony. Over the years I have grown to love him. He is so unpredictable....but reliable at the same time. I am going to miss your parents. They are the sweetest people ever! I love how they make me feel like a part of their family too. I've always appreciated that about them.

So, to my best friend, I love you. You will never know how much. You will never know how much I'm going to miss you. You will never know how much you meant to me. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, without question. For loving my boys, with out judgement. Thank you for always being on my side, looking out for my best interests, telling me how it is, and giving me sound advice. I could not have come this far without you in my corner. You will continue to fight right along side me, even though we are miles apart. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

To take a quote from Greys Anatomy...
Meredith said, Derek is the love of my life, but you are my soul mate. That is how I feel about you- minus the love of my life part. Hopefully that will come later. But Jenni, that's how I feel about our relationship. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!

'good' byes

Tonight I had a little going away party. It was just a collection of girls from my area who I love and wanted to have one last night girls night with. Its funny how you 'collect' friends over the years. When you think back to how you met them, its funny who sticks around and who doesn't.

We had margaritas, chips and salsa, cinnamon chips and fruit salsa and brownies and cookies. It was a nice little spread, I must say. We hung out and talked, which of course girls do best. Then we had a little store run and we were back for a board game. It was a super casual night, with no real agenda. And without boys around, no fighting or cheating with the game either. LOL

I didn't think too much about the goodbyes at the end of the night. But as we came to the end, it started to get a little hard. We made it quick and sweet before anything got teary. But as soon as I closed the garage door, the tears started. I am friends with these girls, but never really thought that it would be this hard. They have been a blessing in my life. As little as I saw them, or as much, having them has meant so much to me. Knowing that they would always listen or go and have a girls night, was awesome. I am going to miss them so much. I don't even think that they know how much it means that they came over tonight.

My time in Washington is coming to an end. I am excited, but I am so sad. I expected to live here for the rest of my life. This was the place that I was ready to be. This was the place I called home. This is the place that I want to be. But the time has come to move on. I am ready. I am ready to say goodbye. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad. It is going to be so much harder than I ever thought.

So Washington, thank you. Thank you for your sunshine after rainy days. Thank you for having the most beautiful mountain that took my breath away every time. Thank you for having a cool city so close. Thank you for having amazing people and friends. Thank you for always being green. Thank you for not having extreme weather. Thank you for welcoming me and being home for the last 5 years. Thank you for holding some of the best memories of my life.

'Good' bye.

Oh My Child....

I am overwhelmed with my 4 year old. He is crazy. He is obstinate. He is tough.

But man, oh man, I sure love him. He keeps me on my toes every day. He is a fire cracker. Yes, I said fire cracker. (I am old now, remember?)

Even with the trials of raising a 4 year old, and his confusion of what is happening in life, I am still full of love for him. There are times, where its questionable though. I know its hard for some of you to read that. Maybe your kids are still young. Or maybe they are super sweet. But let me tell you, there are times where I just want to lock him in a closet. I don't....but I want to! :)

Here are some of the things I love about my Joshua. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. He knows how much I love purple. He comforts me when I cry. He is starting to really love his little brother. He is complicated. He is funny.

Like today, we celebrated together that his little brother stuck his tongue out. To most of you, that is not a big deal. But my baby is 2 and has never protruded his tongue. When I told Joshua that Lucas did it, he clapped and rubbed L's head. Its the simple things that make my life so wonderful and make me love my boys so much! I am so thankful that I can celebrate those things with him.

Sometimes its hard to remember that love. When he is hitting, talking back, throwing a fit, getting into trouble, its HARD to feel it. But I know its always there. It'll never go away. And I love that I always know that.

Counting Down and making milestones.,....

So we are counting down the days. Not technically, as we don't know when we are even able to leave yet! LOL But we are excited for this new phase in our lives. I am ready to make this leap and start a new life with my boys. Its going to be hard, but I know that we are going to do fabulously!!

As we sit and wait....we are making some milestones too!

Joshua has started school. He is in a K-2 program. Its pre-kindergarten class at a public school. His first day was today and mommy was so excited! :) He wasn't too thrilled, but he did great and I think we'll get the hang of this soon. The class is all day Tue/Thurs every other Friday. It was nice to have a break from my little man. We've been spending a LOT of time together, and it was probably great for him, Lucas and mommy to have some break time!

Lucas has been doing great too! We have been using a walker in therapy and we've been able to bring one home for temporary use. At first I didn't have it in the house unless we were going to use it. But I brought it in, and Lucas loves it. He just crawls up to it and uses it! It amazes me. He is so proud of himself and he is doing so good with it!

Life has been pretty hard lately for me. I am full of hope, but there are times where I am so lost. I feel so alone here. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and I would be a complete wreck without them!! But there are times when all I need is a hug and someone close. I really want to share my everyday life with that someone, and well, that someone is no longer. I never wanted to be single. I always wanted to be married. And here I am, alone. It sucks, basically. LOL. I will say that I am still happy, even being alone. Even doing everything on my own. Even with taking care of a hyper 4 year old and a sick, complicated baby. Even being scared out of my mind. I am still happier!

So I guess its just a waiting game until we get the go ahead. Then, onward we go! Our new life----Here we come! Watch out!

Whoa is me....

Whoa, my life is crazy!

So its official. I am getting a divorce. Never did I think that I would actually be saying that. I knew that my marriage was rough. I knew that my marriage was not a typical one. But I thought that if we had made it through everything we had, that we'd actually survive. But 10 years has come and gone, and we are separating and going our own ways.

I have been on my own with the kids for almost 5 months. Its been pretty rough. But I did have babysitters and I was on vacation in NY for 5 weeks with my parents. So now I am home, and completely on my own and wow, this is hard!

I am having a bit of shock. OK, a lot of shock. I have 2 kids, yes I am aware. I have a special needs child. Yes, also known. But am I really capable of doing this? Really, really?

I know that this blog is for ALL people to read. But as I have stated before, it basically for me to get out my thoughts, frustration and vent. And that is really what this is about.

I know that I am a strong woman. I know that I love my kids more than life itself and more than I ever thought possible. I know that my dreams DO NOT always come true. And I am learning that my dreams can come in MANY, MANY forms.

I dreamed of being a stay at home mom for my entire life. Well you know what Rachel? You got your dream. It didn't last as long as you'd hoped, but you did it. And you loved every moment of that time with your kids.

I dreamed of being in a big city and living a life of cool possibilities. Well Rachel, you did it. You lived in Hawaii, Texas and Washington and you got to experience Seattle. You got to do some super awesome things while you were there. It may have not been as long as you had hoped, but it was still amazing.

I dreamed of my own home. A happy family. Watching my kids grow. Well, that happened. You got your house. Its time to let it go, but you got it. You will soon be with your family- and you WILL be happy. And you will get to watch your children grow and become amazing, wonderful, respectful, hardworking, and talented men!

I dreamed of loving a man until the day that I died. A love that would stand the test of time, the trials of life and its tribulation. Well, Rachel, you loved. You loved hard and long and with all your heart. It may have not been a dream love, or a love that gave back, but you tried your hardest and you gave it your everything.

I know that there is a wonderful future for me and boys. I know that fully. I know that I am meant for great things. I was given a strong will for a reason. I am tough and feisty and I know what I want, and that will get me through this.

Its easy to be strong when you type these things out. I just wish I didn't have these tears.......

Holy Birthday?!

Well, my little wee baby is turning 2! Isn't that amazing?! I love looking back over the last 2 1/2 years at this little man's life. I am in awe every time I reminisce. He is a miracle, through and through.

Here is a video montage from last years 1 year birthday. I reminisce a lot!


This year, Lucas is doing pretty amazing. He is still crawling around like a maniac. Its amazing how fast he actually is. He is babbling and 'singing'. Sometimes he will hold a little conversation with you. (In high pitched squeaks, that is) He loves to climb stairs, squeeze animals, and pull hair. He is showing some signs of an average 2 year old, too. He is hitting, biting and not listening to the word 'NO'. Its a nice reminder of how far he has actually come!

Lucas is still in PT, OT, Speech and Vision therapy weekly. Its been such a blessing for him. I realized how much of an impact it has on him, when we were gone for 5 weeks to NY. But we are getting back in to the swing of things around here.

Lucas can light up a room when he is there. Everyone falls in love with him. I call him prince charming because he is so sweet and he has a charm over people. He has to go through so much physically, yet he is so forgiving immediately after.

I just am in love with my little boy. He has made my life mean something more than I ever thought possible. He has made my life worth it. I sometimes wonder why. I wonder why this happen to him? Why did this happen to me? And then I realize that it is the way it is supposed to be. I wouldn't change my sweet angel for anything in the world! He is perfect and amazing, just the way God made him! <3

At a Loss

I've been having a rough week. Normal for my life right now. Normal for my life, in general. Since I've been in NY the last 3 weeks, I've faced the facts that I'll probably be moving. Now don't get me wrong, I love New York. I love the people here, the food, the beauty. But I LOVE Washington. I mean, really, really, love it there. The weather is pretty great. The activities are great. Man, its just fricken great. But knowing that I need to be somewhere else is a struggle. I need my family. I need New York.

So the last couple of days I've felt lost. I've felt like I don't belong anywhere. I know that I am loved. I am loved by people here and there. Loved by people everywhere! (LOL Sorry, too much Dr's Suess)

I know who I am. And that has always meant that I can fit in anywhere. So this is a new feeling for me. I've moved to new places. Met new peple, time and time again. But having my life ripped away and feeling lost, is the strangest part.
When you add that I've lost weight and started exercizing, I feel like I have a new body too. I went from knowing who I am to being someone who is lost.

I was: the chubby, stay at home mom and wife who baked, cooked and cleaned.
I am: newly single, running, thinner mommy who is gonna start college again and get a job

What? Its nuts!

So I guess that I need to start figuring out who I am now. I know that I will always be fun, ready to laugh, excited about life (soon again, I hope) loving, friendly, opinionated, cranky, chocolate loving, straight forward, honest and generous.

Way to go Momma

I've always been the chubby one. Even when I was skinnier, I somehow was still the chubby one. LOL Its followed me around, forever! When I was younger I didn't have a lot of friends. I went to tiny school, lived in the country and had no life. So food became my friend. It was a comfort when I was alone. So fast forward 20 years, and this is what you get. An emotional woman, who is an emotional eater. Food has always been by my side through all my struggles. I've tried to get into exercising. Tried to limit quantities, specifics, but nothing. I would lose and gain. Lose and gain. Lose and gain.

Well, over the last 3 months, I started working out. Regularly. Everyday. Its crazy, I know! The weight started coming off, slowly. But I didn't care. I just wanted it to go away.

I came to NY not knowing how I would continue my workouts. I thought about running, but I am NOT a runner. My ankles hurt, my knees, my boobs. I told myself I would at least walk. Well, I decided to try and run and see what happened. And guess what! I did it. I started at 2 miles and I've been adding to it ever since.

If you add the fact that I wasn't eating due to poor life choices of a certain someone in my life, I dropped some significant weight fast. For once in my life, I wasn't emotionally eating. I was stressed, emotional, angry and full of adrenaline. And well, I turned it into something positive.

I dropped 9 pounds in a 2 week period. 12 pounds from my last weigh-in in WA. It was shocking! I hit 30 pounds weight loss, and I am still going. I am so proud of myself. Excited to see what my body can look like. Excited to see how I can actually be in control of this one thing for the first time ever!

So anyway, I just wanted to share. I am proud of myself, and that never happens!

The Real World

So our life have been a bit crazy these days. I've been putting off sharing the truth because it didn't 'need' to be out there. But I think that its time to share and let the world know.

I'm all about honesty in my life. Even if it makes me sound crazy, mean or just plain annoying. But that is how I am choosing to live my life, and that is my choice. I think that if you can't be honest, why bother opening yourself to a person at all.

Josh and I separated a few months ago. I've shared before of some of our struggles over the years. I've never gone into detail about anything, and I still won't. But its been an extremely difficult marriage for the past 10 years. But everyone knew that. We've dealt with things that some people only dream of.

I will leave the details out of this post. Basically, we are no longer pursuing our marriage. Its sad, but it is for the best interest of myself and the kids. I've promised Josh that no matter what happens, the feelings we have, that the kids will always know that they were conceived in love. They will know that there was love, once, and that they will ALWAYS be loved. I am sad that they won't get to grow up with 2 loving parents like I did. But I know that their lives will be happy and that I will give them everything they need and support them through anything!

Emotionally, I am doing pretty well. I am in New York on vacation right now. This was not what I planned on happening while I was here. But if that's how things go, that's how they go. My family has been amazing, and have been everything that I want/need them to be. I have hope for our future. I know that I am strong enough for this. I know that what I can't deal with, I can give it up to Someone who can.

I will continue with my blog through this. I've been putting off writing, because I didn't want to cover up my life with 'stuff'. But now that this is out in the open, I can write freely.

Thanks for the love and support. If you really want to chat, feel free to email me or Facebook me.

A GRAND Vacation

GRANDma and GRANDpa came to visit last week. We had so much fun. Its been over 2 1/2 years since they were here together. And almost 2 years since they were here at all. It was well needed. They got to see our new house and hang out with the kiddos. We took a mini vacation while they were here to Longbeach, WA. It a beautiful beach location, despite the 60MPH winds and rains. LOL. Even with the crappy NW weather, hanging out with my parents is always wonderful. During their stay, I also had my 30th birthday. (YIKES!) It was definitely a busy week!

Sleeping Beauties!

Me and my little man

LOVE!

My Birthday Treat

We braved the pool, in the rain and wind
Thank God it was heated!

Our last day at the resort

Long Time, No Post

Well, its been quite a while since I last blogged. I won't begin to fill you in on the last few months. Life has been a bit crazy. We've had some fun, and we've had some stress.

But I'll start with my most recent of posts.

Lucas finally got his AFO's. They are Ankle Foot Orthodics. They are pretty neat. He had his foot casted and the AFO's were made just for his skinny little foot. We've only used them once during therapy last week, but they seem pretty cool. We used them a tiny bit here at home, but we're still learning.

I really hope that these can help stabilize him so that he can stand and soon walk. He's a pretty fast little bugger. He can crawl like the wind. But he needs to be able to walk, so that is our goal! He's been using a walker during physical therapy too, and that has been neat too.

Joshua has been doing great. He is becoming a smart, polite little man. Most of the time anyway. He is finishing up preschool this week. We are waiting to hear about getting him into a 3 day a week K-2 program at a public school. I really, really hope we hear good news soon. This would be so great for him.....and for me!

Twitch

I have the twitch. This is usually brought about by 3 things. Too much caffeine, eye strain or stress. I don't usually know I have either of those things until the eye twitch comes along. Typically for me, its the stress. I don't freak out too much about things, so I don't really know I'm stressed until that dreaded eye twitch starts up.

The stress you ask? Well, my husband has been laid off from work since January. We've been through this before. Many times. But this time around, work isn't calling. We survive on unemployment, VA disability and my small paychecks. Its decently comfortable for us. We don't struggle, but we don't get to party either. Usually, its only for a few weeks that we are living like this. But with the new house, and 2 kids, its getting tighter. The issue now is that, because work isn't calling, we are thinking about when unemployment runs out. We are also dealing with the idea of health insurance running out. That's scary!!

We've been without health insurance before when Joshua was little. But life is different now with Lucas. We CAN NOT be without health insurance. I am starting to get things in order for getting on state health insurance until Josh can find a job that pays and has insurance.

Finding a job isn't the easiest either. Because of my husbands 'situation', career jobs aren't great to find. There are jobs available, but they don't pay enough. There are jobs available, that he is just not qualified for. And then there are some that would be perfect, but he probably won't get because of his 'condition'. I could work, but that's is almost impossible really. If he works too, who would watch the kids? Who would do all of Lucas' therapy. Its a tough situation.

We only have 2 months left until the breaking point. 2 months is a long time. Especially when work could call any day. But 2 months can go by so fast, and well, we'll be there in no time at all.

I am stressed for other reasons, but that is a whole other post. Life has given me some curve balls and I am kind of in a 'woe is me' phase right now. I have been really emotional these past 2 weeks. From my marriage, to thinking about putting the idea of having another baby on the way, way back shelf, and my children- being children. Its nothing too crazy, but it is my life, and I am living it daily.

After my last post about genetic testing and wanting another baby, I've been really thinking about it. What is my life really going to be like with Lucas? He doesn't walk, talk, communicate in any way. He is constantly sick. My miracle baby is a handful. How could I ever really think about having another child. So, I am just going to give up that whole idea for a while. A long while. I can dream, but its a far reality.

So now you understand my twitch.

Genes

So I have been without a 'personal' doctor since I had Lucas. The midwives I started the pregnancy with are long gone. The high risk perinatologists are also, long gone. So what to do? I was in need of a new doc. I searched the internet, but much to my dismay, not very many websites for offices. What is this, 2001? So I just picked one that sounded good and went with it. His name was Julius. That just sounds smart, right?



The office was nice. The nurses was uber friendly and outgoing. The doctor was, big; old; gray. I likey. Why? Big- he probably won't harp on my weight. Old- he's been around. Seen lots. Gray- isn't caught up with appearances.



He asked a gazillion questions. Things I haven't been asked before. I'm not a typical patient. I have issues. I've had issues for years. He wasn't intimidated by anything. Then we got onto the topic of Lucas. Special needs baby, crazy delivery, etc. Then he brought up the topic of more babies. And then, genetic testing. Yikes.


Lucas has a chromosome abnormality that could have been a fluke, or that could have been handed down from either Josh or I. Lucas has an unbalanced trans location. Part of chromo 13 is missing and is replaced with an extra 22. (You can read more here from a previous blog). So what Josh and I could have, is called a balanced trans location. Where we have the full 13 and 22, but the little pieces are swapped. We would show no signs of any issues, but our children might. Hence Lukey.



While at the hospital, we agreed to the testing, if our insurance would pay for it. But they denied it. So we figured it was for the best. Honestly, we haven't thought about testing since. Until last week that is. While sitting, listening to my doctor talk about getting tested, OK urging the testing, I was conflicted. At first I wanted to cry. I was uncomfortable hearing all of it. Then, I was pissed. How dare he urge me to get tested. We finished our appointment, and after he apologised for going into so much detail, he assured me that he was comfortable with anything I decided.



But it wasn't as simple as an apology. This was now stuck in my head. For good. I'm a harper. I harp on things. Until they are resolved. Just ask my husband. I was confused. What is right? Where did we stand?



I asked the question to my Facebook world. Some mearly strangers, others my closest friends in the world. What did they think? What would they do?



After weighing the pros and cons for both, I was still confused. All of my friends said they would do it. They would rather know before bringing another baby into the world. How could I live with the fact that I could have prevented it. Or knowing would give me a reassurance that everything would be OK.

Then I brought it up with to my husband. He did not feel the same way as my Facebook friends. He was not in agreement for the testing. Even after everything I had explained. He told me that I could get tested, but he would not.



So here is where I am right now. I'm leaning on the side of getting tested. But there are so many What ifs?
What if I am a carrier?
What if Josh is, and he doesn't get tested?
What if I have another baby, and the baby is sick?
What if we both get tested, and there is still health issues?

The list keeps going. I am about 90% sure I want another baby. I am about 90% sure I'll get tested. I am about 90% sure I am freaked out.

My Friends.... In No Particular Order

I've been wanting to write a blog about my friends. I love them. They are what keep me sane. Whether I talk to them daily, weekly, monthly, or just random texts, I love them. Each one of them have special traits that I love. Each one of them have been significant in my life.

Tiffany LaBreck Mott-
My dearest and oldest friend. Oldest as in, oldest and I've known the longest. Haha. She was my partner in crime from about 13-18. We started off innocent. (Or at least I was.) We've been through funny things, sad things, and some things that I don't even remember. She's a super strong woman and momma. She has 3 boys, who are just awesome. I love that when I go back to New York, she's always there. We can always pick up where we left off and there is never any awkwardness.

Tiff, I love you. I would not be who I am today if I hadn't been your friend!

Sara Pliscofsky-
Sara, my party friend! She was my rock when my husband deployed to Iraq. I didn't want to be her friend at first. Skinny little blond thing. But it worked. She was great. We did everything together. Even went to the gas station together. If I hadn't had her, I would have been a complete mess, more that I was anyway. She made me laugh, was there when I cried, and she taught me a lot! She is a rock, with a huge heart. She has a mind to learn and share. She has 2 little boys, almost the same ages as mine. Pretty cool, I think. I hate that she lives in Florida across the country. But we've remained friends all these years, and we can keep on doing it!

Sara- Thank you for being my strong friend, supportive and fun! Love you!

Jenni Pritchard-
Jenni- Who would have ever thought we'd be friends? Not me! Our husbands were friends growing up. So when we came to Washington to visit in 1999, I met Jenni. She was pregnant and quiet. Nothing like me. Then years later, we we moved back here to WA, I was once again introduced to her. But this time, it was different. After a few months, we got close and now she is truly my best friend! She is nuts. Crazy, funny, and loving. She has a huge heart and an open door. She'll help you out whenever she can. Its amazing. The thing I always say about Jen is this; I can be my utmost self with her, and she loves me anyway. I have been sick and miserable in a hospital bed and she's come and made me laugh so hard I thought I would rip my stitches. She's been my friend through laughter and tears. Supports me in all my decisions. I really feel like she'll be my best friend until the day I die. We'll be those old ladies you see, acting too young and looking stupid.

Jenni- Thank you for being there, always, and making me smile! Thank you for loving my kids, without judgement!





AnnMarie Trudeau-
Ammy- What can I say about Ammy? She's a fighter. When we met, it was through a stay-at-home-mom's group website. We were lonely moms with nothing to do. We were both living at our in-laws, stuck in a new state. We instantly connected. AnnMarie and I are an odd couple. Tiny little thing, and well, me. But that never matters when we are together. We goof off, laugh and hang out. Its always comfortable. She's a tough cookie, who somehow, always gets her way. When we go through rough patches, the other can always make you smile. I love that. Our kids love each other too. Its so sweet. Someday, they'll marry. AnnMarie loves things with a passion too. DMB, Jamba Juice, and bags of all shapes and sizes and Disney.

AMMY- Thanks for always making me laugh, telling good stories and being my true friend.

Denelle Montefusco-
Denelle- You're crazy. Another friend who always gets her way.... Denelle and I met online in a support group for women with PCOS. We were both pregnant at the same time and she seemed 'normal'. She moved back here to WA, and we decided to meet. We met at a park, and after about a minute, Joshua puked on the ground and Lucas started fussing. She knew what she was getting into from the moment we met. For some reason, she wanted to hang out again. This time she came to my house and hung out for like 9 hours! LOL. We have a bond that pretty cool. I'm not sure if its because I was a military wife, that we had kids around the same time, or that we both PCOS, but I love her. She's fun. She likes most of the same things that I like. (Except the whole New Moon thing? WTH is that?) She's a good cook, puts up with my weirdness and she's so much fun to be around. She's a strong wife and mom, who's dealing with extremly hard things.

Denelle- Thanks for always being yourself, fun and caring. And for giving the best hugs ever!!!

These ladies are my closest friends. I am blessed with other friends in my life, but these girls are what make me really happy. Another thing that I truly, truly love is that they are all friends on Facebook. They all chat about something, even though most of them have never met. It makes me smile to think that maybe, just maybe, we'll all be together someday!

Forgetfulness

Sometimes I forget.

I forget where we started.

I forget what we've been through.

It hard to always remember what a miracle Joshua is. How badly I wanted a baby. Desperate to have him. I remember years of infertility and sadness. I was so scared that God wouldn't give me what I had wanted most in the world. I always wanted to be a mom. I never had a career path when asked by guidance counselors. I would tell that that I wanted to be a mom and wife. It wasn't a huge aspiration, but it was my dream.

Then there is Lucas. You might think that its easier to remeber where we started with Lucas. But its not. Yes, its more frequent that it is with Joshua. But its still not easy. When you have a kid who can only communicate with crying, and gets sick all the time, its not something that comes to mind all the time. Lucas wasn't supposed to be here. He was a 'missed miscarriage' as one doctor put it. He was supposed to be blind and deaf, as another doctor told us. Those things are always there. But reading back to the early days, it just amazes me.


http://thewakefieldfamily2000.blogspot.com/2009/09/my-100th-blog.html

I like to think that I write this blog to help 'someone', 'somewhere'. But in all reality, I write this blog for myself. I love reading back. I need to look back. It brings me out of the reality of a crazy house, and back to the love and desire I have for my family. I am blessed, truley blessed.

Field Trip!

Joshua has been at preschool for about 6 months now. Each month they do a cool field trip. This month we went to Jumpin Jack and Jill's in Sumner. Its an indoor place with inflatable toys. A bouncy house, huge slide and an cool obstacle course. We had a lot of fun. I'm still not friends with any of the moms though. I don't try very hard either. I really have enough going on in my life, and I feel like I have enough friends who I don't see. So why make more friends?

Anyway, here are a few pictures!

Joshua and Jackson

Snack Time

Circle Time

Outdoor fun!!

We finally got out playset up and running. Now we just need the weather to cooperate. I am really excited to see my kids use this for years to come. Lucas loves to swing, and Joshua loves to climb. And who knows if there will be more kiddos who can enjoy it too!

My husband is officially old! Well, OK, not really. But he's getting older every year!

Josh had his 31st birthday on February 1st. I can't believe it. The first birthday we celebrated together was his 20th! It just seems crazy. We had a nice dinner with his family as Red Robin (where else would we go?) and went back to his parents for cake and presents. I made him a banana cake. It was a mess, but it sure was tasty. It was just plain white cake, real whipped cream and sliced bananas. Yum. In my family growing up, we only had that cake when we went to grandpa's house. I can not think of another time we ever ate it. Good times.

Yummy!Love!

Goofy!

Sweet, sweet Lucas


Here is Lucas' new trick. He likes to throw! Its cute, and I'm proud.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Lucas has been sick for weeks. Crying, whining, fussy, snotty, coughing. Just one big mess, really. I think after all these months we finally figured out when he is teething, he gets really sick. Asthma, fevers, almost-take-him-to-the-hospital sick. Its getting old. Anyway, he was finally crawling around the other night being quiet and we didn't really think anything of it. We were all doing our own thing, so we weren't really paying much attention. We just assumed he was playing quietly. This is what we found.

Kind of looks like we torture him by not letting him sleep in a bed!

This has filled our last few weeks. Josh is laid off and its been extremely helpful. Getting a break when you have a sick kid is so appreciated. We even got a little trip squeezed into the mix. It was a re-do trip actually. The original trip was my friend and I taking the kids to Leavenworth for the night. Its a cute little Bavarian village in the mountains. We had hopes of relaxing, playing in the snow and walking around the quaint little village. But none of that happened. We got there and did a few errands after checking in. As soon as we got back and ate dinner, Lucas was sick. Not sure what happened, but I had to take him to the hospital that night. It was actually like 4 am. Well, Leavenworth has the smallest hospital in all of Washington state. Yea! And well, my kid is a bit special. I think they were scared just hearing of Lucas' medical history.

They eventually sent me to the bigger hospital in Wenatchee. We were only there for a little while. They gave him a breathing treatment and then vented his g-tube. After that we headed back to the condo and rested, finally. It was almost 10am when we finally got back. After that, we packed up and headed back. It was probably the worst trip I've ever taken.

The redo trip was Josh and I and the kids. We went back to Leavenworth, and I packed correctly this time! We stayed for 2 nights and really enjoyed ourselves. We went sledding and played in the snow. We went to a little family arcade and out to dinner. But mostly, we rested and watched movies. It was a really nice time with my boys.

life....

What a lame title for this post. But it gives you warning for the lame blog you are about to read.

I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. Life just seems to be going by, and I am just watching. I don't feel like an active participant. I'm feeling a bit 'out of it'. I guess I'm having some self pity. Feeling sorry for myself. I have a bad attitude.

I really don't have great reasons for feeling this way. I have a great life surrounded by great people. But man, oh man, I feel crappy. I guess its just hard times, and sometimes people get this way. Right? Difficult phases in marriage. Sick kids. Cranky kids. Dirty houses. Fat pants. This happens to everyone right?

When you already feel yucky, you see other people having such a great life. None of the issues that you are dealing with. Its starts the whole 'jealousy' and 'self hatred' stuff. (I speak generally, trying to make myself feel better.)

I know that I'll get out of this funk. I always do. Something silly will happen and I will realized how truely blessed I am.

I shouldn't even post this. But in case anyone ever thought I had the perfect life, (HAHAHAHA) they'll now know, its not the truth!