I can count thousands of lies that came from your mouth.
I’ll be up by noon. I’ll take out the trash. I’ll vacuum the floors.
Simple lies, they were.
I’ll never cheat on you again I’ll never get drunk again I’ll never ‘almost’ kill you;
again.
They flowed from your mouth like honey.
Every one of them, believable.
I stayed too many years.
I believed too many times.
I told myself too many lies.
He’ll be up by noon he’ll take out the trash he’ll vacuum the floors.
He’ll never cheat on me again. He’ll never get drunk like that again. He’ll never ‘almost’ kill me;
again.
I hate that I loved you.
I hate that I wasted my life with you.
I hate that you are filled with garbage.
I hope you never change.
I hope you always speak lies.
I hope you never have another someone believe the never-ending, backwards, bull shit that comes from your mouth.
For you are undeserving.
you' are worthless.
you' are LIES.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
What hurts the most.....
Let me preface this blog entry with a few things. I do not miss my ex-husband. There isn't a thing that comes to mind that I miss about him. And if there were, I would share them.... probably. I am happy with the way my life and my children's lives are going. But, I do miss certain things; like having my own home and a family with in laws and cousins. Which brings me to my entry today. For some time I have been wanting to write my true feelings, but have been hesitant because I really don't want to upset anyone. But at this point in my life, why should I hide my feelings...?
Looking back at what took place in marriage should not surprise any one. If you knew us, you knew that there wasn't much optimism in our marriage and there wasn't much shock as to how it ended. I was NOT surprised about what my husband did to me. And I am pretty sure we all knew it would end this way.
What I am surprised by, and most hurt by, is the way the family has treated me. I honestly thought by now that I would have 'gotten over' this entire thing. But sadly, I am human, and I hurt just like the rest of 'em.
My mother in law and I became good friends when I first moved to WA in 2005. She was the only friend I had and our friendship blossomed over the 5 years that I was there. I considered her one of my best friends and I knew how lucky I was to have her as my mother in law. She was amazing to me and my children over the years. I knew that from the bottom of her heart she loved me and that she would never desert me. In the beginning of 2010, I was struggling with my marriage and doubting if I still loved my husband. She encouraged me to really figure it out and if that if I didn't love him, I should leave. When we did separate, her and my father in law both told me to my face that no matter what happened, 'I would always be their daughter and that they would always love me'.
When I left WA for NY for the summer to figure my life out, I came back to a different family. The family that I was once a part of, was gone. Something happened to them while I was away, something that I will never understand. I came in to a cold, stiff home; to a family that I didn't belong to anymore. Over the course of the next 3 months, I was pushed away and treated so poorly, that I never doubted my decision to stay in WA with my children. I know that if I had been treated as a real daughter, moving across the country would have been completely different and our lives today would be much easier.
I look back on the years that I spent in that family, and I am heart broken. I longed for a close knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins that were connected. A family where we celebrated birthdays and holidays together; where we had game nights and dinners out. When I met this family I made them my own. I loved each one of them and tried my best to bring the family together. I loved every game night and holiday; Christmas', Thanksgivings and Easters. I poured my heart and soul into that family. I even had a favorite cookie list for each and everyone of them so that I could always know what they loved the most. So when it came time for me to leave, I couldn't believe the coldness that I felt.
I wrote this blog entry on Sunday night and saved it for a few days. I've actually written a similar note quite a few times and just never thought it was the right timing. But I received a hateful email from my once beloved mother in law this morning and I know now that it doesn't matter what I say or do. They are oblivious to what really happened and oblivious to what love really means.
I write this blog for myself. Writing helps me communicate. It helps me heal. It helps me live. I am sorry if someone reads my blog and gets offended or angry. It is your choice to read or not to read. I write HONEST feelings and I write what needs to be said.
Looking back at what took place in marriage should not surprise any one. If you knew us, you knew that there wasn't much optimism in our marriage and there wasn't much shock as to how it ended. I was NOT surprised about what my husband did to me. And I am pretty sure we all knew it would end this way.
What I am surprised by, and most hurt by, is the way the family has treated me. I honestly thought by now that I would have 'gotten over' this entire thing. But sadly, I am human, and I hurt just like the rest of 'em.
My mother in law and I became good friends when I first moved to WA in 2005. She was the only friend I had and our friendship blossomed over the 5 years that I was there. I considered her one of my best friends and I knew how lucky I was to have her as my mother in law. She was amazing to me and my children over the years. I knew that from the bottom of her heart she loved me and that she would never desert me. In the beginning of 2010, I was struggling with my marriage and doubting if I still loved my husband. She encouraged me to really figure it out and if that if I didn't love him, I should leave. When we did separate, her and my father in law both told me to my face that no matter what happened, 'I would always be their daughter and that they would always love me'.
When I left WA for NY for the summer to figure my life out, I came back to a different family. The family that I was once a part of, was gone. Something happened to them while I was away, something that I will never understand. I came in to a cold, stiff home; to a family that I didn't belong to anymore. Over the course of the next 3 months, I was pushed away and treated so poorly, that I never doubted my decision to stay in WA with my children. I know that if I had been treated as a real daughter, moving across the country would have been completely different and our lives today would be much easier.
I look back on the years that I spent in that family, and I am heart broken. I longed for a close knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins that were connected. A family where we celebrated birthdays and holidays together; where we had game nights and dinners out. When I met this family I made them my own. I loved each one of them and tried my best to bring the family together. I loved every game night and holiday; Christmas', Thanksgivings and Easters. I poured my heart and soul into that family. I even had a favorite cookie list for each and everyone of them so that I could always know what they loved the most. So when it came time for me to leave, I couldn't believe the coldness that I felt.
I wrote this blog entry on Sunday night and saved it for a few days. I've actually written a similar note quite a few times and just never thought it was the right timing. But I received a hateful email from my once beloved mother in law this morning and I know now that it doesn't matter what I say or do. They are oblivious to what really happened and oblivious to what love really means.
I write this blog for myself. Writing helps me communicate. It helps me heal. It helps me live. I am sorry if someone reads my blog and gets offended or angry. It is your choice to read or not to read. I write HONEST feelings and I write what needs to be said.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Summer Fun!
Well, summer is here. Its actually almost over! Which makes me quite sad. But I am excited for the new school year all the same!
We've had a pretty exciting summer so far. The boys and I flew to Washington for 2 weeks so that they could visit with their dad. In the beginning, 2 weeks of a mommy vacation sounded terrific. But as the time came closer, I was dreading it. It was not a carefree 2 weeks that I had anticipated. I was an emotional wreck! I knew that the kids were being taken care of just fine. It was just that I wasn't with them. I didn't know what their daily lives held. It was awful! Completely.
I haven't cried much at all since moving away from Washington. I think maybe once when I really missed my friends. But other than that, there haven't been many tears. But the day that I found out my kids went to my old house where there dad lives with his girlfriend, I sobbed. I hate the fact that he took them there. This was the house we lived in as a family and had our lives together. And now he lives there with his new family. He has changed their rooms and all their stuff. It broke my heart. I know that Joshua doesn't probably think much of it now. But I can only imagine what it might do to him down the road. I struggle with him feeling 'replaced' by this new family. I know that I have been replaced, and quite easily by the looks of things. But seeing my kids replaced is just heart breaking.
Once we got back from WA, we packed up for a road trip to West Virginia! My mothers family was having a reunion and so we trekked on down and had a great weekend with the family. It was great spending time with my brother Joel and his wife Kristen and baby Jack and my parents. And it was a bonus to see the relatives too! We had about 24 hours of driving total over the course of the 5 day weekend and my boys did amazing. And as a bonus, I got a nice tan. :-)
So now we count down until school starts. I start up college in the fall and the boys start a week later. The way that my schedule is working out, I won't be able to fit work in there, so I am going to be on a major budget crunch. Not that I don't 'try' to do that now.....
Joshua is starting first grade. It amazed me that my 5 year old is going into first grade! I can't believe how grown up he is. And now my little baby Lucas is starting school too! That is freaking me out. I will cry. Dang, it'll be bad. He'll be riding the bus to school and spending a full day at preschool. He will have a one-to-one aid with him all day, everyday. She will be helping him with everything from feeding to his therapies and participating in classroom activities. He'll be receiving speech 5 times a week and PT/OT 4 times a week. I can not wait to see the progress he'll make! He is already succeeding with therapies at home being seen half that amount. It's going to be amazing!!!
Well, I will hopefully be updating more often. I have been holding a lot of feelings in lately that need to get out, or they might burst. So be tuned in for that one! LOL
We've had a pretty exciting summer so far. The boys and I flew to Washington for 2 weeks so that they could visit with their dad. In the beginning, 2 weeks of a mommy vacation sounded terrific. But as the time came closer, I was dreading it. It was not a carefree 2 weeks that I had anticipated. I was an emotional wreck! I knew that the kids were being taken care of just fine. It was just that I wasn't with them. I didn't know what their daily lives held. It was awful! Completely.
I haven't cried much at all since moving away from Washington. I think maybe once when I really missed my friends. But other than that, there haven't been many tears. But the day that I found out my kids went to my old house where there dad lives with his girlfriend, I sobbed. I hate the fact that he took them there. This was the house we lived in as a family and had our lives together. And now he lives there with his new family. He has changed their rooms and all their stuff. It broke my heart. I know that Joshua doesn't probably think much of it now. But I can only imagine what it might do to him down the road. I struggle with him feeling 'replaced' by this new family. I know that I have been replaced, and quite easily by the looks of things. But seeing my kids replaced is just heart breaking.
Once we got back from WA, we packed up for a road trip to West Virginia! My mothers family was having a reunion and so we trekked on down and had a great weekend with the family. It was great spending time with my brother Joel and his wife Kristen and baby Jack and my parents. And it was a bonus to see the relatives too! We had about 24 hours of driving total over the course of the 5 day weekend and my boys did amazing. And as a bonus, I got a nice tan. :-)
So now we count down until school starts. I start up college in the fall and the boys start a week later. The way that my schedule is working out, I won't be able to fit work in there, so I am going to be on a major budget crunch. Not that I don't 'try' to do that now.....
Joshua is starting first grade. It amazed me that my 5 year old is going into first grade! I can't believe how grown up he is. And now my little baby Lucas is starting school too! That is freaking me out. I will cry. Dang, it'll be bad. He'll be riding the bus to school and spending a full day at preschool. He will have a one-to-one aid with him all day, everyday. She will be helping him with everything from feeding to his therapies and participating in classroom activities. He'll be receiving speech 5 times a week and PT/OT 4 times a week. I can not wait to see the progress he'll make! He is already succeeding with therapies at home being seen half that amount. It's going to be amazing!!!
Well, I will hopefully be updating more often. I have been holding a lot of feelings in lately that need to get out, or they might burst. So be tuned in for that one! LOL
Monday, May 30, 2011
Handling It?
Funny how people say to me that I am 'handling' it so well. Handling it? Yes, I am handling life. Why, what is not handling it?
I'm a wreck today. Life is getting to me. Stress of being a single mom and being alone. I understand that I am not actually alone. I do, in fact, have 2 kids. And I have the help of my parents who do so much for me with my boys. But in reality, I am alone.
I am having a rough time with my boys right now. I know that at every age and stage in life, I will struggle. But Lucas' needs are getting harder and harder. He can't walk, talk or communicate. He throws, hits and pulls hair. He's a happy boy, most of the time and everyone loves him, but there are just times where he is so difficult. It is really getting hard to go places with him, something that I am struggling with on a personal level as well.
I've always been a go-go-go kind of girl. Nothing every really stopped me. I've always traveled with my kids and did whatever I wanted with them. But now, there is a real halt on that. I'm not sure if its a selfish thing on my part and I just need to deal with it; Or if its something that will pass and I will figure out a way to adjust to it. But taking Lucas everywhere is getting to be nearly impossible.
Another part of my emotion is my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy. Period. We are all so happy when we are with him. And He thinks my kids are great. But he doesn't have kids and hasn't really been around kids much at all. So enter.... the 3 of US. First there is me. 31 year old, emotional, college student, single mom, living at home. 5 year old, active, mouthy, CRAZY kid. 2 1/2 year old physically and mentally disabled baby. I know he wants to be with us. But man, I can not imagine being in his shoes. We must be a sight. How he is still around is beyond me. I worry that we are going to just be too much and scare him away. (Even though, deep down I know the truth)
I just don't know what to do. This life I was given, and these choices that I made, sure have lead up to a crazy time. I worry that I won't be able to 'handle it'. I worry that I will be alone. I worry that I won't be able to get a grasp on this parenting thing and fail.
I'm a wreck today. Life is getting to me. Stress of being a single mom and being alone. I understand that I am not actually alone. I do, in fact, have 2 kids. And I have the help of my parents who do so much for me with my boys. But in reality, I am alone.
I am having a rough time with my boys right now. I know that at every age and stage in life, I will struggle. But Lucas' needs are getting harder and harder. He can't walk, talk or communicate. He throws, hits and pulls hair. He's a happy boy, most of the time and everyone loves him, but there are just times where he is so difficult. It is really getting hard to go places with him, something that I am struggling with on a personal level as well.
I've always been a go-go-go kind of girl. Nothing every really stopped me. I've always traveled with my kids and did whatever I wanted with them. But now, there is a real halt on that. I'm not sure if its a selfish thing on my part and I just need to deal with it; Or if its something that will pass and I will figure out a way to adjust to it. But taking Lucas everywhere is getting to be nearly impossible.
Another part of my emotion is my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy. Period. We are all so happy when we are with him. And He thinks my kids are great. But he doesn't have kids and hasn't really been around kids much at all. So enter.... the 3 of US. First there is me. 31 year old, emotional, college student, single mom, living at home. 5 year old, active, mouthy, CRAZY kid. 2 1/2 year old physically and mentally disabled baby. I know he wants to be with us. But man, I can not imagine being in his shoes. We must be a sight. How he is still around is beyond me. I worry that we are going to just be too much and scare him away. (Even though, deep down I know the truth)
I just don't know what to do. This life I was given, and these choices that I made, sure have lead up to a crazy time. I worry that I won't be able to 'handle it'. I worry that I will be alone. I worry that I won't be able to get a grasp on this parenting thing and fail.
Friday, April 15, 2011
A moment to write. Just a moment to read.
The blood made him snap.
It changed him back to the husband I knew.
It came from the call I tried to make,
The ripping of the phone out of my hands,
As I huddled on the bathroom floor.
Helpless tears came, along with the
Life altering fear that never left my body.
Every drink, no matter if just one;
Brought that same fear back,
Every.single.time.
For six long years.
The names I was called, will never be forgotten.
The moment I thought I might die,
will never be forgotten.
He will never be forgotten.
I've been wanting to write about some experiences I've had over the years ever since I started my English class. We aren't writing, but when I've got something to say, I HAVE to say it.
It changed him back to the husband I knew.
It came from the call I tried to make,
The ripping of the phone out of my hands,
As I huddled on the bathroom floor.
Helpless tears came, along with the
Life altering fear that never left my body.
Every drink, no matter if just one;
Brought that same fear back,
Every.single.time.
For six long years.
The names I was called, will never be forgotten.
The moment I thought I might die,
will never be forgotten.
He will never be forgotten.
I've been wanting to write about some experiences I've had over the years ever since I started my English class. We aren't writing, but when I've got something to say, I HAVE to say it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Well, a year has come and gone and I've done it!! I have made my goal! I set out to reach a specific weight and 6 months later, I did it! I've maintained that weight for the last 6 months, and I couldn't be prouder. Through all of the stress and craziness my life has had, I stayed strong with the help of an amazing friend and weight loss partner. I am so thankful for her support and encouragment. Thank you Jenni!! Here's to the next goal.... 
Sunday, March 20, 2011
What? A boyfriend?
Well, its true. I have a boyfriend! It sounds silly to me. I am 30, a mother of 2 and I have a boyfriend. Haha. I sound 18. But, on the bright side, I feel 18 too.
I wrote a little about him in my last post. His name is Brian. I met him a while ago, before I was EVER interested in having a boyfriend. We met and became really good friends. One of my best friends, actually. Once I moved here, we started to spend time together and our friendship grew. Its was amazing how well we seemed to 'fit'. We understand each other on a level I didn't even know existed. (Gosh, that sounds cheesy.)
B, as we call him around here, is amazing. I won't call him perfect, because he isn't. But there are so many things about him that are so wonderful. I think the most important thing about him, the most wonderful thing, is that he is honest. We talk about everything, no matter what it is. We are honest and straight forward with everything. We are older, and we see what lies ahead of us, so there isn't any use in hiding anything.
It's pretty awesome to have someone in your life who actually thinks you are amazing too. I know he likes me. I know he wants to be with me. Its something that I've never felt before, truthfully. I believe what he says, and that is priceless.
Another thing that is awesome.... he likes my kiddos. We've kept it very casual around them. They just know that he is the fun guy that comes around and plays and wrestles. So they think he's pretty cool too. But with me, comes them. I worried that I would never find someone who would someday, love me for me, and then love my kids individually too. But I didn't even have to search, he just showed up!!
I never knew a relationship could be like this. I never knew I could be so happy. I never knew that just being around someone could make me feel so secure, happy, and excited about the future.
I am so thankful for the timing we have. We met unexpectedly. We became friends unexpectedly. I feel beyond lucky to have him in my life.
I wrote a little about him in my last post. His name is Brian. I met him a while ago, before I was EVER interested in having a boyfriend. We met and became really good friends. One of my best friends, actually. Once I moved here, we started to spend time together and our friendship grew. Its was amazing how well we seemed to 'fit'. We understand each other on a level I didn't even know existed. (Gosh, that sounds cheesy.)
B, as we call him around here, is amazing. I won't call him perfect, because he isn't. But there are so many things about him that are so wonderful. I think the most important thing about him, the most wonderful thing, is that he is honest. We talk about everything, no matter what it is. We are honest and straight forward with everything. We are older, and we see what lies ahead of us, so there isn't any use in hiding anything.
It's pretty awesome to have someone in your life who actually thinks you are amazing too. I know he likes me. I know he wants to be with me. Its something that I've never felt before, truthfully. I believe what he says, and that is priceless.
Another thing that is awesome.... he likes my kiddos. We've kept it very casual around them. They just know that he is the fun guy that comes around and plays and wrestles. So they think he's pretty cool too. But with me, comes them. I worried that I would never find someone who would someday, love me for me, and then love my kids individually too. But I didn't even have to search, he just showed up!!
I never knew a relationship could be like this. I never knew I could be so happy. I never knew that just being around someone could make me feel so secure, happy, and excited about the future.
I am so thankful for the timing we have. We met unexpectedly. We became friends unexpectedly. I feel beyond lucky to have him in my life.
Monday, February 14, 2011
A Mother's Love
Every night, before I go to sleep, I sneak into my boys' dark room and I tuck them in. It is my favorite part of the day. Joshua removes the sheet and blanket and only uses his comforter, every single night. So I re-adjust the blanket 'situation', kiss his forehead and whisper that I love him. And Lucas always kicks off his favorite, baby blue, handmade blanket, and somehow turns himself sideways. So I cover him up, turn him in the right direction and rub his little head.
Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.
I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.
I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.
Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.
I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.
Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.
Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.
I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.
Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.
I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.
I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.
Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.
I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.
Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.
Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.
I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Another Sappy Blog Post....
As Valentine's Day approaches, I keep hearing people talk about how they don't 'believe in' Valentine's Day. They say its a made up holiday for companies to make money. But really, why can't we have a day to celebrate love and the people we love? For me, its nice to take the time out of my busy life and think about the people who I love and cherish and those who love me. How blessed am I that I have people around me, who love me, in spite of my many faults and failures. They love me when I yell, look a mess, don't clean, am cranky, moody and emotional. They love me for who I am, to the core, and I am so very thankful.
This year, I am celebrating Valentine's Day with a new valentine. His name is Brian. He is my friend. Actually, he is becoming one of my very best friends . He is sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, hard working, caring and just plain crazy. We have a special friendship, one that is honest and open and we both know that all we have is time and there absolutely no need to rush anything.
I am thankful to have such amazing people surrounding me. I get boggled down by bills and stress and school and time and work and life---BUT I am always thankful for the friends and family around me. I don't think that a day goes by where I am not reminded of how lucky I am.
I swear, I am NOT this positive and cheerful. For some reason, it all comes out sappy theses days. But what happens is this; I roll out of bed, not wanting to get up. I get my kid up for school and my parents are both up in the kitchen. We usually are in each others way, mom is running late, dad is taking his time. I get the baby up and in his highchair as I scurry to get Joshua ready for the bus, which is ALWAYS late. While I try to get my act together, someone is usually entertaining the baby. Once we are finally out the door, I realize what a MESS I made of my parents routine and how thankful I am that they took us in.
There is always a thought of how our day 'used' to run. Always a thought about how my parents days 'used' to run. But I know that they are happy. And I know that we are happy. Thats what matters, right?
Then there is Jen. Like clockwork, she calls me. Every morning and every evening. Even when I'm unavailable, even when I'm at work, she's always thinking of me. There is always a thought about what our days 'used' to be like. But, we're happy now, right?
See, I'm not sappy. Its more of a reflection. I'm good at that whole thing. Thats what led to my giant life change last year. Reflection. LOL I'm just good at seeing the 'bigger picture' or whatever.
Either way, I don't deserve all the love I get from these people. For some reason, they love me anyway. So, happy Valentine's day......
This year, I am celebrating Valentine's Day with a new valentine. His name is Brian. He is my friend. Actually, he is becoming one of my very best friends . He is sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, hard working, caring and just plain crazy. We have a special friendship, one that is honest and open and we both know that all we have is time and there absolutely no need to rush anything.
I am thankful to have such amazing people surrounding me. I get boggled down by bills and stress and school and time and work and life---BUT I am always thankful for the friends and family around me. I don't think that a day goes by where I am not reminded of how lucky I am.
I swear, I am NOT this positive and cheerful. For some reason, it all comes out sappy theses days. But what happens is this; I roll out of bed, not wanting to get up. I get my kid up for school and my parents are both up in the kitchen. We usually are in each others way, mom is running late, dad is taking his time. I get the baby up and in his highchair as I scurry to get Joshua ready for the bus, which is ALWAYS late. While I try to get my act together, someone is usually entertaining the baby. Once we are finally out the door, I realize what a MESS I made of my parents routine and how thankful I am that they took us in.
There is always a thought of how our day 'used' to run. Always a thought about how my parents days 'used' to run. But I know that they are happy. And I know that we are happy. Thats what matters, right?
Then there is Jen. Like clockwork, she calls me. Every morning and every evening. Even when I'm unavailable, even when I'm at work, she's always thinking of me. There is always a thought about what our days 'used' to be like. But, we're happy now, right?
See, I'm not sappy. Its more of a reflection. I'm good at that whole thing. Thats what led to my giant life change last year. Reflection. LOL I'm just good at seeing the 'bigger picture' or whatever.
Either way, I don't deserve all the love I get from these people. For some reason, they love me anyway. So, happy Valentine's day......
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Hmmm, who am I?
Well, its official now. OK, it was official a few weeks ago when I actually paid the tuition. But now its really, really official. Ha. I got my JCC student ID today. Its quite strange. I feel so weird about my position in life right now. I feel like a 20 year old college kid, with 2 children and 30 years of life experiences. Its weird. Really weird.
I can not believe that I start classes Monday. Its very surreal. It doesn't feel like its really happening. But come Monday, I'll be sitting there with a new notebook and a literature book in my lap. Hmmm, I should probably find out where my class is......
There is a lot happening in my life and I've pushed back a lot of other things that need to be dealt with now. We are finally seeing specialists for Lucas. Most of them are in Syracuse, which I fully expected. Not a huge deal, except, I really don't have any time to actually go to Syracuse. An hour drive there, 1-2 hours with the doctors and an hour back. Um, yeah, I just don't have that kind of time these days. Its a little scary looking at my pending schedule.
I've contemplated quitting my job. I really enjoy working there. Its fun, and I am surrounded by a lot of happy people. Its a calm environment and its stress free. BUT, I don't make much money there, and I don't actually work many hours. And by the looks of my schedule, I might be needing those hours in the week to be with Lucas and doing therapies and appointments. The problem is, I hate to make it inconvenient for them and I don't want to disappoint anyone at work. I really like them and I know that I am wanted and needed there. Its silly really. I don't know what to do.
So, I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks. All I know is that I CAN do this. I can juggle a lot of stuff. I've done it before- it was just different things. Hopefully I don't drop anything.....
I can not believe that I start classes Monday. Its very surreal. It doesn't feel like its really happening. But come Monday, I'll be sitting there with a new notebook and a literature book in my lap. Hmmm, I should probably find out where my class is......
There is a lot happening in my life and I've pushed back a lot of other things that need to be dealt with now. We are finally seeing specialists for Lucas. Most of them are in Syracuse, which I fully expected. Not a huge deal, except, I really don't have any time to actually go to Syracuse. An hour drive there, 1-2 hours with the doctors and an hour back. Um, yeah, I just don't have that kind of time these days. Its a little scary looking at my pending schedule.
I've contemplated quitting my job. I really enjoy working there. Its fun, and I am surrounded by a lot of happy people. Its a calm environment and its stress free. BUT, I don't make much money there, and I don't actually work many hours. And by the looks of my schedule, I might be needing those hours in the week to be with Lucas and doing therapies and appointments. The problem is, I hate to make it inconvenient for them and I don't want to disappoint anyone at work. I really like them and I know that I am wanted and needed there. Its silly really. I don't know what to do.
So, I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks. All I know is that I CAN do this. I can juggle a lot of stuff. I've done it before- it was just different things. Hopefully I don't drop anything.....
Saturday, December 25, 2010
An Amazing New Year
It is completely strange to think about how different life is this year, compared to last year. There are still a lot of similarities though, too. How could there not be? I am still me, and I still have children. But there are so many other things that have changed about our life.
This year, we said a lot of goodbyes. We said goodbye to bad things. We said goodbye to wonderful things. To possessions, family, attitudes, regrets, unhappiness, negativity, friends, comforts, and sadness. But we also greeted many things too. Independence, love, generosity, kindness, happiness, simplicity, and a new future.
This year has been, by far the most drastic of years. And let me tell you, I've had my fair share of drama. But, I can honestly say, I know that I made the best decision possible for my boys and I. There is not one doubt. And I love that. People may have questioned choices that I made, questioned who I was or what I was doing. But I know that I stayed true to myself, and mature through it all. I am proud of the way that I handled things, and I am thankful that my children will be proud one day too. It wasn't easy leaving. It wasn't easy at all. I just hope that they will understand someday, that I did it for them. I did it for myself. I did it for our future as a family.
When I look back on this year, it will be a milestone. It will mark 12 years I gave a man my whole heart. It will mark 10 years that I gave my marriage everything. It will mark the year that I finally stood up for myself and realized that I deserved more as a woman, wife, and mother. It will mark our move across the country and the sacrifice my parents made for us. It will mark who my true friends are, the ones who stood by my side through it all. It will mark the year that I made a change in myself and got healthy. 2010 will mark the beginning of the rest of our lives.
I am a proud woman. I am proud mother. I am excited about what is next for us. I am excited to watch my children grow and learn. I can not wait to see what 2011 holds for them. I love them with every bone in my body, and every part of my heart. And I am so thankful that I have them by my side everyday.
This year, we said a lot of goodbyes. We said goodbye to bad things. We said goodbye to wonderful things. To possessions, family, attitudes, regrets, unhappiness, negativity, friends, comforts, and sadness. But we also greeted many things too. Independence, love, generosity, kindness, happiness, simplicity, and a new future.
This year has been, by far the most drastic of years. And let me tell you, I've had my fair share of drama. But, I can honestly say, I know that I made the best decision possible for my boys and I. There is not one doubt. And I love that. People may have questioned choices that I made, questioned who I was or what I was doing. But I know that I stayed true to myself, and mature through it all. I am proud of the way that I handled things, and I am thankful that my children will be proud one day too. It wasn't easy leaving. It wasn't easy at all. I just hope that they will understand someday, that I did it for them. I did it for myself. I did it for our future as a family.
When I look back on this year, it will be a milestone. It will mark 12 years I gave a man my whole heart. It will mark 10 years that I gave my marriage everything. It will mark the year that I finally stood up for myself and realized that I deserved more as a woman, wife, and mother. It will mark our move across the country and the sacrifice my parents made for us. It will mark who my true friends are, the ones who stood by my side through it all. It will mark the year that I made a change in myself and got healthy. 2010 will mark the beginning of the rest of our lives.
I am a proud woman. I am proud mother. I am excited about what is next for us. I am excited to watch my children grow and learn. I can not wait to see what 2011 holds for them. I love them with every bone in my body, and every part of my heart. And I am so thankful that I have them by my side everyday.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sometimes I can take my own advice
I love reading through my blog. I actually enjoy my own writing, and reminiscing about my life. But sometimes, I love the wisdom that I have- that somehow gets lost or forgotten.
*life is different now, titles have changed. But the idea is still the same I suppose
--copied from a previous post
Lately I've been feeling out of sorts. I've been feeling not myself. Stressed, worried, tired- ok exhausted, scared. Those of which aren't really me. Yes, I stress. Yes I worry. Yes, I'm tired. But lately, its been to the extreme. I think that the last year is finally catching up to me. Life has taken its toll and I'm kinda freaking out. The 'week of tears' kind of put me in a rut and I haven't been able to get out of it. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway which is well well over due and sooooooooooooo needed. Can you tell I really need a break? :o)
I've been worried about myself, a good sign I guess in the scheme of things. If I didn't care about my well being then you should probably worry. I've been not wanting to be a mom, homemaker (which is legally my job title) and wife. Its all been no fun and I want a change of pace. No fun you ask? Well, let me elaborate. I've been dealing with a 3 year old potty trained, jealous, not getting enough time with mom, high spirited, full of energy, acting out little boy. He does weird, very weird things to get my attention. Like peeing on his toys. Pooping on the floor. Stuff like that. Oh yes, that is the no fun I am talking about. I am hoping that this is a phase or way of getting mom's attention, because if this is the ride called life- I WANT OFF! I love that boys and daily he makes me smile. But lately, oohhhh, I just don't know what to do. And more of the no fun.... a fussy, skinny, not getting enough time with mom, needs a lot of attention, 8 month old baby. Oh its just a joy.
And let me just add a little bit of more 'no fun' stuff. Cleaning, cooking, budgeting, laundering, cleaning up of pee on toys, poop off floors, and baking (ok that one if fun).
I am not complaining. I actually have a point to this WHOLE blog. As it is a way for me to vent to the hundreds of people reading (ok 30, LOL), it is also to share this little tid bit.
As I drove down the highway today in a bit of a funk, I saw something neat on the side of the road. There was a little bunch of flowers blooming. It was surrounded by weeds, trash and other not so great stuff found in ditches. But through all of the junk, the flowers bloomed. As I looked at those flowers (while driving 60mph down the highway) I realized that I needed to be like those flowers. Surrounded by junk, i.e. cleaning-stressing-kids, I needed to bloom and grow. That even in this crazy stressful time in my life, there is more important things to focus on. Growing as a person. As a christian, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I hope that in some part of my life that while I am blooming and growing that I can bring laughter, love and brighten someone's day, just like that flower patch did for me today.
*life is different now, titles have changed. But the idea is still the same I suppose
--copied from a previous post
Lately I've been feeling out of sorts. I've been feeling not myself. Stressed, worried, tired- ok exhausted, scared. Those of which aren't really me. Yes, I stress. Yes I worry. Yes, I'm tired. But lately, its been to the extreme. I think that the last year is finally catching up to me. Life has taken its toll and I'm kinda freaking out. The 'week of tears' kind of put me in a rut and I haven't been able to get out of it. We are in the process of planning a weekend getaway which is well well over due and sooooooooooooo needed. Can you tell I really need a break? :o)
I've been worried about myself, a good sign I guess in the scheme of things. If I didn't care about my well being then you should probably worry. I've been not wanting to be a mom, homemaker (which is legally my job title) and wife. Its all been no fun and I want a change of pace. No fun you ask? Well, let me elaborate. I've been dealing with a 3 year old potty trained, jealous, not getting enough time with mom, high spirited, full of energy, acting out little boy. He does weird, very weird things to get my attention. Like peeing on his toys. Pooping on the floor. Stuff like that. Oh yes, that is the no fun I am talking about. I am hoping that this is a phase or way of getting mom's attention, because if this is the ride called life- I WANT OFF! I love that boys and daily he makes me smile. But lately, oohhhh, I just don't know what to do. And more of the no fun.... a fussy, skinny, not getting enough time with mom, needs a lot of attention, 8 month old baby. Oh its just a joy.
And let me just add a little bit of more 'no fun' stuff. Cleaning, cooking, budgeting, laundering, cleaning up of pee on toys, poop off floors, and baking (ok that one if fun).
I am not complaining. I actually have a point to this WHOLE blog. As it is a way for me to vent to the hundreds of people reading (ok 30, LOL), it is also to share this little tid bit.
As I drove down the highway today in a bit of a funk, I saw something neat on the side of the road. There was a little bunch of flowers blooming. It was surrounded by weeds, trash and other not so great stuff found in ditches. But through all of the junk, the flowers bloomed. As I looked at those flowers (while driving 60mph down the highway) I realized that I needed to be like those flowers. Surrounded by junk, i.e. cleaning-stressing-kids, I needed to bloom and grow. That even in this crazy stressful time in my life, there is more important things to focus on. Growing as a person. As a christian, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I hope that in some part of my life that while I am blooming and growing that I can bring laughter, love and brighten someone's day, just like that flower patch did for me today.
Workin' Girl and Weekend Getaways
So, as the title implies, I have a job.
I like my job. And I love that I do.
I am a cashier at a grocery store. Its not glamorous, by any means, but its fun and stress free. I think that I could use that in my life right about now, don't you think?
So I was offered a job through one of my brothers good friends. She heard about my 'situation' and told me that if I needed anything, there was a job waiting for me when I came to town. I wasn't necessarily looking to work, but the idea of getting out and meeting some new people sounded great. So I did. Basically she asked me when I wanted to work, and how much and BAM, that's what I do. Its 3 days a week and well under 20 hours. LOL. Its pretty simple, and I think that is why I like working.
I have met some awesome people. Everyone has been so great and friendly. I really have a lot of fun there. Most of the girls I am with there are pretty young, which has been kinda fun. I get to be the old lady, but at the same time act goofy too. I can do that quite well, no matter what crown I am around though.
I am also planning a little weekend getaway. As you know, I left my very best friend in Seattle when I moved away. Its been so hard adjusting to life without her and well, super, super sad. So dreaming, we talked about a weekend trip and looky what happened.... I booked a flight.
In my divorce, my ex is supposed to have the kids over Christmas, but this year it didn't work out. Mostly because of finances and time frames. So, instead of just taking off alone to see my friend, I decided to offer him to buy a ticket for Joshua. I chose not to take Lucas for a few reasons. For one, flying with 2 kids isn't the most exciting thing to do for a 4 day trip. And for two, Lucas wouldn't care either way. LOL Joshua on the other hand needs to see his dad and grandparents and I knew it would be good for him. As much as I would have rather just gone alone, I knew this was best.
So in 39 days (as Jen pointed out today) We'll be taking a late flight to Seattle and spending a super exciting 3 days there! I for one, am thrilled. Joshua isn't thrilled because I haven't told him yet. Ha. I am waiting until after Christmas to tell him about the trip.
So there is my little update for those who read this. <3
I like my job. And I love that I do.
I am a cashier at a grocery store. Its not glamorous, by any means, but its fun and stress free. I think that I could use that in my life right about now, don't you think?
So I was offered a job through one of my brothers good friends. She heard about my 'situation' and told me that if I needed anything, there was a job waiting for me when I came to town. I wasn't necessarily looking to work, but the idea of getting out and meeting some new people sounded great. So I did. Basically she asked me when I wanted to work, and how much and BAM, that's what I do. Its 3 days a week and well under 20 hours. LOL. Its pretty simple, and I think that is why I like working.
I have met some awesome people. Everyone has been so great and friendly. I really have a lot of fun there. Most of the girls I am with there are pretty young, which has been kinda fun. I get to be the old lady, but at the same time act goofy too. I can do that quite well, no matter what crown I am around though.
I am also planning a little weekend getaway. As you know, I left my very best friend in Seattle when I moved away. Its been so hard adjusting to life without her and well, super, super sad. So dreaming, we talked about a weekend trip and looky what happened.... I booked a flight.
In my divorce, my ex is supposed to have the kids over Christmas, but this year it didn't work out. Mostly because of finances and time frames. So, instead of just taking off alone to see my friend, I decided to offer him to buy a ticket for Joshua. I chose not to take Lucas for a few reasons. For one, flying with 2 kids isn't the most exciting thing to do for a 4 day trip. And for two, Lucas wouldn't care either way. LOL Joshua on the other hand needs to see his dad and grandparents and I knew it would be good for him. As much as I would have rather just gone alone, I knew this was best.
So in 39 days (as Jen pointed out today) We'll be taking a late flight to Seattle and spending a super exciting 3 days there! I for one, am thrilled. Joshua isn't thrilled because I haven't told him yet. Ha. I am waiting until after Christmas to tell him about the trip.
So there is my little update for those who read this. <3
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Trying to be Thankful....
I wrote a blog a few days ago where I ended writing about the things that I was thankful for from my ex. It wasn't where I was headed with that blog, but I like where it took me. I never really thought of those things before and it really gave me a new perspective on the ending of my marriage.
There are a lot of things that I have been quite embarrassed about lately. The fact that I am 30 with 2 kids and now single; I live at home with my parents; I get medicaid; and that I am starting all over again after a failed marriage.
But I have so many things to be thankful for.
I have amazing parents. They have been incredible. They are so generous, caring, accepting, loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I would be a lost, crazy mess without them and their support. Both monetarily and emotionally.
I have incredibly supportive friends who had stood by my side through such a crazy time. I wouldn't even know who I was without them.
I am thankful for my children.
Joshua has become a sweet big brother, something that I wanted so badly for so long. He loves Lucas so much, and I am so thankful. He is learning and growing, and its awesome to watch.
I am thankful for the health of Lucas. Since we've been without insurance, I have been so worried about an ER trip, or refilling prescriptions. But he has only had minor illnesses, that we've been able to treat at home.
I am thankful for the incredible support offered by the state. From the medicaid insurance that they kids and I now get to all of the programs offered for Lucas' disability. The therapies are starting up this week, and I can't wait to see what this next chapter holds for Lucas!
I am thankful for the kindness I receive from friends and family everyday.
I am thankful for the roof over my head, the cute car in my driveway, the job that I was given, the new friends that I am making, the old friends who love me and most of all, I am thankful for the future full of possibilities for my kids and I. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us. And I am so thankful that I can say that now.
There are a lot of things that I have been quite embarrassed about lately. The fact that I am 30 with 2 kids and now single; I live at home with my parents; I get medicaid; and that I am starting all over again after a failed marriage.
But I have so many things to be thankful for.
I have amazing parents. They have been incredible. They are so generous, caring, accepting, loving, forgiving, kind and thoughtful. I would be a lost, crazy mess without them and their support. Both monetarily and emotionally.
I have incredibly supportive friends who had stood by my side through such a crazy time. I wouldn't even know who I was without them.
I am thankful for my children.
Joshua has become a sweet big brother, something that I wanted so badly for so long. He loves Lucas so much, and I am so thankful. He is learning and growing, and its awesome to watch.
I am thankful for the health of Lucas. Since we've been without insurance, I have been so worried about an ER trip, or refilling prescriptions. But he has only had minor illnesses, that we've been able to treat at home.
I am thankful for the incredible support offered by the state. From the medicaid insurance that they kids and I now get to all of the programs offered for Lucas' disability. The therapies are starting up this week, and I can't wait to see what this next chapter holds for Lucas!
I am thankful for the kindness I receive from friends and family everyday.
I am thankful for the roof over my head, the cute car in my driveway, the job that I was given, the new friends that I am making, the old friends who love me and most of all, I am thankful for the future full of possibilities for my kids and I. I am excited to see what lies ahead for us. And I am so thankful that I can say that now.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Civil....
Today marked a new milestone. My ex and I actually had a civil conversation. It was strange and weird. Its been months, and months, and well, months since that's happened. We typically text and its best that way for us. But today there needed to be an actual conversation, and it was, for lack of any other word, good.
I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.
Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.
I started wondering, after my last blog, if I still hated him. I have never hated anyone. I have never hated anything so much, except onions, ever. I was shocked at myself, that I could actually feel that way about someone that I had once loved more than anything in the world. I was amazed. How could I, a person who loves do much, hate? Its obvious why I felt that way. There was no reason that I shouldn't feel that way. But still, it surprised me.
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that I in fact, did not hate him anymore. I do not like him and I don't think that I ever will. Maybe someday I might, but it doesn't look promising. I am finally happy, and that has brought on a release of those feeling towards him. Thank God. Living with that in my heart did not help anything. I know that life will be easier once it is all gone.
Forgiveness is another story. I think that I'll be working on that one for quite a while. I know that forgiveness is for me and not for anyone else. But, I am not there, as immature as that might sound. It'll take time, and I welcome it fully.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Nitty Gritty....
I had decided that I would keep personal details out of my blog about what happened in my marriage. I am still on the fence about if I really want to share it all or not. I assume that most everyone has the basic idea of what happened. I wrote a blog a while back about the issues that I faced in my 10 years of marriage.
If you would like a refresher on it, here ya go
So, I've always written as if I were talking to someone. If you were sitting in front of me right now, I would tell you this to your face. So why not write it?
Fine, twist my arm.
Soon after I gave birth to Joshua, I found out my husband had cheated on me. This was 2006, almost 6 years into our marriage. He had been dealing with some of his own personal issues, and I chose to stay with him, work it out and forgive. Years later, we finally went in to counseling and I forgave him. Or so I thought. When I forgave him, I let go of the anger and hateful feelings I had toward the situation and him. I forgave him under the pretences that it happened because of the issues he was dealing with after going to war.
I later found out that he had cheated on me before war, while we lived in Hawaii. He openly told me what he had done and I didn't know what to do with that information. Having a sick baby, a preschooler and being unemployed, that new information got brushed aside and put on the back burner.
As some time went by, that information began to take its toll. I never dealt with it properly and I couldn't handle what it was doing to me. Our relationship started to really suffer. It had been a bad marriage from the beginning, and knowing that the cheating had started way back in the beginning was not helping.
In the beginning of 2010, we were at a bad place in our marriage. There was no trust, love, affection, friendship or partnership. There hadn't been for a very, very long time. I was turning 30 and I started feeling a sense of reflection. I had spent 10 years married to man that I no longer loved. A man that never treated me right. A man that had cheated on me, more than I believed he had told me. Did I really want to spend another 10 years living that same way?
He moved out and for once, I felt peace. A sense of peace took over my house, myself and my kids. I knew at that point, it was right. He on the other had did not. He begged for me back, told me he had changed, made excuses, told lies and pretended to be someone he was not. When I came back to NY to get some clarity, it had come out that he was seeing someone. Then it came out that it was more that just someONE. When this happened, it was more than clear that this marriage was over. I say this: when I left WA I was about 97% sure I was done with the marriage. When this came out, there was no doubt that I was done 100%. The clarity was perfect.
The rest is pretty simple really. I went back to WA, hired a lawyer, packed my things and my children and left. It was stressful, but thankfully and quite bittersweet actually, he didn't fight for us to stay in WA. I say that only because it would have been a good gesture for him to put up some fight for his kids. But thankfully, he let us all go. I do not look back and wonder if I did the right thing. I know I did. We are all better off this way, even him.
I am ready to move on. I really don't feel surprised by the end of my marriage. Its more of a relief. I have hope to love again. I have hope that the right man is still there for me. I have hope that I will trust a man, give him my whole heart and truly be happy. I never wanted to be single. I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything, ever since I can remember. I want to love whole heartedly with someone who is deserving of my love. Someone who will love me back, be my partner in everything. Someone who wants to be with me, and my children, and no one else. Someone who is happy with our life and is smart enough to not throw it away for something worthless.
I don't look back anymore and feel like I wasted my life. For quite a while I did. But I am strong because of him. He taught me to be independent and stable. I have my 2 amazing boys because of him. Yes, I wouldn't know of them without him, but my kids have helped form who I am . They as individuals have taught me more things in this life than anyone. And I couldn't have done that without him. If I had stayed gone the first time, I wouldn't have Lucas-- and the world would be a sad, sad place without that amazing little boy. So I don't regret being with him, or staying with him. I don't regret giving him my entire heart. I don't regret loving and giving him my everything. I don't regret staying or trying to make it work time and time again. I don't regret any of it. I am thankful for who I am because of these last 10 years. I am thankful for the amazing people that were brought into my life over this time. I am thankful that I know now exactly what I want and need out of a husband.
If you would like a refresher on it, here ya go
So, I've always written as if I were talking to someone. If you were sitting in front of me right now, I would tell you this to your face. So why not write it?
Fine, twist my arm.
Soon after I gave birth to Joshua, I found out my husband had cheated on me. This was 2006, almost 6 years into our marriage. He had been dealing with some of his own personal issues, and I chose to stay with him, work it out and forgive. Years later, we finally went in to counseling and I forgave him. Or so I thought. When I forgave him, I let go of the anger and hateful feelings I had toward the situation and him. I forgave him under the pretences that it happened because of the issues he was dealing with after going to war.
I later found out that he had cheated on me before war, while we lived in Hawaii. He openly told me what he had done and I didn't know what to do with that information. Having a sick baby, a preschooler and being unemployed, that new information got brushed aside and put on the back burner.
As some time went by, that information began to take its toll. I never dealt with it properly and I couldn't handle what it was doing to me. Our relationship started to really suffer. It had been a bad marriage from the beginning, and knowing that the cheating had started way back in the beginning was not helping.
In the beginning of 2010, we were at a bad place in our marriage. There was no trust, love, affection, friendship or partnership. There hadn't been for a very, very long time. I was turning 30 and I started feeling a sense of reflection. I had spent 10 years married to man that I no longer loved. A man that never treated me right. A man that had cheated on me, more than I believed he had told me. Did I really want to spend another 10 years living that same way?
He moved out and for once, I felt peace. A sense of peace took over my house, myself and my kids. I knew at that point, it was right. He on the other had did not. He begged for me back, told me he had changed, made excuses, told lies and pretended to be someone he was not. When I came back to NY to get some clarity, it had come out that he was seeing someone. Then it came out that it was more that just someONE. When this happened, it was more than clear that this marriage was over. I say this: when I left WA I was about 97% sure I was done with the marriage. When this came out, there was no doubt that I was done 100%. The clarity was perfect.
The rest is pretty simple really. I went back to WA, hired a lawyer, packed my things and my children and left. It was stressful, but thankfully and quite bittersweet actually, he didn't fight for us to stay in WA. I say that only because it would have been a good gesture for him to put up some fight for his kids. But thankfully, he let us all go. I do not look back and wonder if I did the right thing. I know I did. We are all better off this way, even him.
I am ready to move on. I really don't feel surprised by the end of my marriage. Its more of a relief. I have hope to love again. I have hope that the right man is still there for me. I have hope that I will trust a man, give him my whole heart and truly be happy. I never wanted to be single. I wanted to be a wife and mom more than anything, ever since I can remember. I want to love whole heartedly with someone who is deserving of my love. Someone who will love me back, be my partner in everything. Someone who wants to be with me, and my children, and no one else. Someone who is happy with our life and is smart enough to not throw it away for something worthless.
I don't look back anymore and feel like I wasted my life. For quite a while I did. But I am strong because of him. He taught me to be independent and stable. I have my 2 amazing boys because of him. Yes, I wouldn't know of them without him, but my kids have helped form who I am . They as individuals have taught me more things in this life than anyone. And I couldn't have done that without him. If I had stayed gone the first time, I wouldn't have Lucas-- and the world would be a sad, sad place without that amazing little boy. So I don't regret being with him, or staying with him. I don't regret giving him my entire heart. I don't regret loving and giving him my everything. I don't regret staying or trying to make it work time and time again. I don't regret any of it. I am thankful for who I am because of these last 10 years. I am thankful for the amazing people that were brought into my life over this time. I am thankful that I know now exactly what I want and need out of a husband.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Its New York Baby....
Isn't that an exciting title for a blog post? Wow, I like it.
Well, a lot has happened since I got here. Nothing as exciting as that title, mind you. But we've been busy either way.
Joshua has started full time kindergarten. He is doing great adjusting to a new school. It took over 2 weeks to even be sent to the principals office! Surprising, yes, I know! I even remarked to the teacher that I was surprised it took that long! Ha ha ha. But he is back to being a good kid and learning a lot. I am really liking this school so far. Even after being a bit scared at first about the 'ghetto' qualitites I first saw.
Lucas is enrolling in all of his therapies. Everything has paperwork, and then a little more paperwork. He had his initial evaluation to get enrolled into the Birth to Three program here, and now we have 4 more evaluations to finish before we can begin. Yikes. That is only the beginning of the appointments for him right now too. Its been a good busy though. If you know me, I do well busy. Well, fine, I do OK busy. But its good either way.
And as for me.....I start work on Monday. Its not a glamorous job, but I didn't have to apply, or fight for what hours I wanted. My brothers good friend knew I was coming back to NY and said that if I wanted a job, she was holding one for me. So I went in Tuesday and told her what I wanted to work, and well, there ya go. I am excited. I am a bit nervous too. I haven't had a 'first day at work' in over 6 years. Its been a while. But I am happy to be meeting new people and make some new friends.
Its been a quick transition to NY. I got a new car and a new job. I moved in my own things. Its definitely not vacation. Something that I thought I might feel for a while. I am a bit lonely. I am a lot scared. But I am really happy. I know that this was exactly the right move for the boys and I. That hasn't been questioned at all. But its just a bit strange, I guess. I am back in my parents house, with children. It has been a learning experience with pride. I didn't think that I was that prideful, but I have learned that I am. I am dealing with letting things go....and thats a hard lesson.
Well, a lot has happened since I got here. Nothing as exciting as that title, mind you. But we've been busy either way.
Joshua has started full time kindergarten. He is doing great adjusting to a new school. It took over 2 weeks to even be sent to the principals office! Surprising, yes, I know! I even remarked to the teacher that I was surprised it took that long! Ha ha ha. But he is back to being a good kid and learning a lot. I am really liking this school so far. Even after being a bit scared at first about the 'ghetto' qualitites I first saw.
Lucas is enrolling in all of his therapies. Everything has paperwork, and then a little more paperwork. He had his initial evaluation to get enrolled into the Birth to Three program here, and now we have 4 more evaluations to finish before we can begin. Yikes. That is only the beginning of the appointments for him right now too. Its been a good busy though. If you know me, I do well busy. Well, fine, I do OK busy. But its good either way.
And as for me.....I start work on Monday. Its not a glamorous job, but I didn't have to apply, or fight for what hours I wanted. My brothers good friend knew I was coming back to NY and said that if I wanted a job, she was holding one for me. So I went in Tuesday and told her what I wanted to work, and well, there ya go. I am excited. I am a bit nervous too. I haven't had a 'first day at work' in over 6 years. Its been a while. But I am happy to be meeting new people and make some new friends.
Its been a quick transition to NY. I got a new car and a new job. I moved in my own things. Its definitely not vacation. Something that I thought I might feel for a while. I am a bit lonely. I am a lot scared. But I am really happy. I know that this was exactly the right move for the boys and I. That hasn't been questioned at all. But its just a bit strange, I guess. I am back in my parents house, with children. It has been a learning experience with pride. I didn't think that I was that prideful, but I have learned that I am. I am dealing with letting things go....and thats a hard lesson.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
3 letters....
This might be weird for someone who doesn't know me. But I'm weird. So now you know me.
I am moving away from a place that I love. I knew it would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard.
Washington is great. My house is nice. My friends are amazing.
I have 2 very close friends that I will be leaving behind in my move. It is quite devastating actually. You'd think that I would be used to this by now. I left my home state of NY after 20 years. I don't think I even shed a tear that day. I left Hawaii after 3 years and a bunch of close friends. I left Texas after 3 years and well, I cried. But this is where I saw my life. This is where I settled. The military life was over, and I let my guard down and made relationships that I knew would last a lifetime. And now I am faced with the reality, that my life here is over and my friends will be staying here.
I am also leaving behind a family that I loved. I am going through a messy divorce right now and it has changed my relationships. It is something that I never saw coming. I thought that no matter what happened, the love and effort that I put into making this my family would have lasted. But I was wrong. So not only do I leave the people that I called family, I am no longer part of it. I am hurt by that, deeper than I think they'll ever know.
I am blogging a lot these last couple of weeks. I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotion and this is the best way for me to get a sense of release. So as I share my feelings, remember this is for me. Not for you. <3
Goodbye letters:
Family- As I say goodbye to you, I will try to take away the anger I am feeling for a few moments. Please know that I am hurt and saddened by the acts of betrayal and the feelings of neglect and distrust. I thought that after 10 years, you knew who I was and that I never wavered with my beliefs.
I have loved being a part of this family. As dysfunctional as it was sometimes, it was fun and I enjoyed all the years. I loved the game nights, our Christmas sleep overs, and just knowing each of you and your favorite things. It was the simple things that made this family great. I am sad that its over. I hope that you will remember that I loved you, and that my kids loved you. I will always try to remember the good, before all of the bad.
Now....the tears start.
Denelle- My dear, sweet friend. I am going to miss you so much. I love that I can be so relaxed and comfortable with you. I love that I can talk about anything in the world with you and you listen. You remember the silliest details, and you love the juicy ones! I love that I can spend hours with you and never tire. I love that we are so similar too. Its cracks me up. The ketchup thing last week...priceless.
I love your children. And I mean truly LOVE them. Mirianna is the sweetest little girl. I am going to miss her, and her love for me! <3 And those 2 new angels. I swear, they are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. And don't get me started on my little boyfriend. I <3 him so!
I love your husband too. (No, not that way) You are a lucky, lucky woman. Know that. I love that he wants nothing more in this world than to see you happy and make those kiddos smile. He is an amazing husband and daddy, and I am so glad that you have found such a good man in this world. It gives me hope that men like that do exist.
I hope that wherever the Army takes you, that it is somehow close to me. If I could get another 3 years with you, I would be a happy, happy woman. I am so sad that I won't see those kids grow in person. I wish that I could be around to see who they become and play a tiny role, somehow. I wish that I could get more time with you. I feel so very lucky to have met you, to have spent time with you and that I get to call you my best friend. Thank you for never, ever judging me. For always opening your door to me. And for always having a smile....and a HUG.
I love you my dear friend. I will never forget you.
Jenni-
I can't believe that I am writing a goodbye letter to you on my blog. But whatever, I'm doing it. I could have emailed one, or written it in a card. But someone, this is right.
I have no words to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would still love you more. I have never been so close to a person in my life, not even my husband. Its strange, actually. In a totally awesome way. I can laugh with you. Cry with you. Talk about nonsense with you. Or even sit and say nothing. I know that I will never have another friendship like ours as long as I live.
I can't even being to tell you how sad I am to leave you. I honestly can't even come up with words. Its just hurts to think about leaving you.
I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things that I can write about you. First of all, you are funny. Hilarious. And I love it. You are kind and generous. You are so cool and thoughtful. :-) You are smart, beautiful, a great mom, an amazing wife, a wonderful daughter and sister and the best friend that anyone could ever have. You give the best advice, and I swear, I will be calling you for advice on every decision.....just as I do now. Thank God we both and AT&T!!!
I am so sad that our boys won't grow up together, as we had dreamed. I am so sad that I won't grow old with you either. I am sad that we won't have our weekly Thursdays. That we won't have our girls nights, shopping trips, and craft time. I am sad that we won't hang out, for hours, doing nothing. I am sad that we won't have weekend trips. I am sad that I won't see you, whenever I want. I am so very, very sad. I am sad that you are the one person in the world that knows me the best and now I'm moving away.
I am going to miss you, but I am also going to miss your family. I love your family. I am going to miss each one of your boys. I am sad that I can't watch them grow into men. They are amazing, smart, athletic boys who are going to cause so much trouble with girls.....
I am going to miss Tony. Over the years I have grown to love him. He is so unpredictable....but reliable at the same time. I am going to miss your parents. They are the sweetest people ever! I love how they make me feel like a part of their family too. I've always appreciated that about them.
So, to my best friend, I love you. You will never know how much. You will never know how much I'm going to miss you. You will never know how much you meant to me. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, without question. For loving my boys, with out judgement. Thank you for always being on my side, looking out for my best interests, telling me how it is, and giving me sound advice. I could not have come this far without you in my corner. You will continue to fight right along side me, even though we are miles apart. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.
To take a quote from Greys Anatomy...
Meredith said, Derek is the love of my life, but you are my soul mate. That is how I feel about you- minus the love of my life part. Hopefully that will come later. But Jenni, that's how I feel about our relationship. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!
I am moving away from a place that I love. I knew it would be hard. I just never thought it would be this hard.
Washington is great. My house is nice. My friends are amazing.
I have 2 very close friends that I will be leaving behind in my move. It is quite devastating actually. You'd think that I would be used to this by now. I left my home state of NY after 20 years. I don't think I even shed a tear that day. I left Hawaii after 3 years and a bunch of close friends. I left Texas after 3 years and well, I cried. But this is where I saw my life. This is where I settled. The military life was over, and I let my guard down and made relationships that I knew would last a lifetime. And now I am faced with the reality, that my life here is over and my friends will be staying here.
I am also leaving behind a family that I loved. I am going through a messy divorce right now and it has changed my relationships. It is something that I never saw coming. I thought that no matter what happened, the love and effort that I put into making this my family would have lasted. But I was wrong. So not only do I leave the people that I called family, I am no longer part of it. I am hurt by that, deeper than I think they'll ever know.
I am blogging a lot these last couple of weeks. I am dealing with a lot of stress and emotion and this is the best way for me to get a sense of release. So as I share my feelings, remember this is for me. Not for you. <3
Goodbye letters:
Family- As I say goodbye to you, I will try to take away the anger I am feeling for a few moments. Please know that I am hurt and saddened by the acts of betrayal and the feelings of neglect and distrust. I thought that after 10 years, you knew who I was and that I never wavered with my beliefs.
I have loved being a part of this family. As dysfunctional as it was sometimes, it was fun and I enjoyed all the years. I loved the game nights, our Christmas sleep overs, and just knowing each of you and your favorite things. It was the simple things that made this family great. I am sad that its over. I hope that you will remember that I loved you, and that my kids loved you. I will always try to remember the good, before all of the bad.
Now....the tears start.
Denelle- My dear, sweet friend. I am going to miss you so much. I love that I can be so relaxed and comfortable with you. I love that I can talk about anything in the world with you and you listen. You remember the silliest details, and you love the juicy ones! I love that I can spend hours with you and never tire. I love that we are so similar too. Its cracks me up. The ketchup thing last week...priceless.
I love your children. And I mean truly LOVE them. Mirianna is the sweetest little girl. I am going to miss her, and her love for me! <3 And those 2 new angels. I swear, they are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. And don't get me started on my little boyfriend. I <3 him so!
I love your husband too. (No, not that way) You are a lucky, lucky woman. Know that. I love that he wants nothing more in this world than to see you happy and make those kiddos smile. He is an amazing husband and daddy, and I am so glad that you have found such a good man in this world. It gives me hope that men like that do exist.
I hope that wherever the Army takes you, that it is somehow close to me. If I could get another 3 years with you, I would be a happy, happy woman. I am so sad that I won't see those kids grow in person. I wish that I could be around to see who they become and play a tiny role, somehow. I wish that I could get more time with you. I feel so very lucky to have met you, to have spent time with you and that I get to call you my best friend. Thank you for never, ever judging me. For always opening your door to me. And for always having a smile....and a HUG.
I love you my dear friend. I will never forget you.
Jenni-
I can't believe that I am writing a goodbye letter to you on my blog. But whatever, I'm doing it. I could have emailed one, or written it in a card. But someone, this is right.
I have no words to tell you how much you mean to me. I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would still love you more. I have never been so close to a person in my life, not even my husband. Its strange, actually. In a totally awesome way. I can laugh with you. Cry with you. Talk about nonsense with you. Or even sit and say nothing. I know that I will never have another friendship like ours as long as I live.
I can't even being to tell you how sad I am to leave you. I honestly can't even come up with words. Its just hurts to think about leaving you.
I don't even know where to begin. There are so many things that I can write about you. First of all, you are funny. Hilarious. And I love it. You are kind and generous. You are so cool and thoughtful. :-) You are smart, beautiful, a great mom, an amazing wife, a wonderful daughter and sister and the best friend that anyone could ever have. You give the best advice, and I swear, I will be calling you for advice on every decision.....just as I do now. Thank God we both and AT&T!!!
I am so sad that our boys won't grow up together, as we had dreamed. I am so sad that I won't grow old with you either. I am sad that we won't have our weekly Thursdays. That we won't have our girls nights, shopping trips, and craft time. I am sad that we won't hang out, for hours, doing nothing. I am sad that we won't have weekend trips. I am sad that I won't see you, whenever I want. I am so very, very sad. I am sad that you are the one person in the world that knows me the best and now I'm moving away.
I am going to miss you, but I am also going to miss your family. I love your family. I am going to miss each one of your boys. I am sad that I can't watch them grow into men. They are amazing, smart, athletic boys who are going to cause so much trouble with girls.....
I am going to miss Tony. Over the years I have grown to love him. He is so unpredictable....but reliable at the same time. I am going to miss your parents. They are the sweetest people ever! I love how they make me feel like a part of their family too. I've always appreciated that about them.
So, to my best friend, I love you. You will never know how much. You will never know how much I'm going to miss you. You will never know how much you meant to me. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for loving me, without question. For loving my boys, with out judgement. Thank you for always being on my side, looking out for my best interests, telling me how it is, and giving me sound advice. I could not have come this far without you in my corner. You will continue to fight right along side me, even though we are miles apart. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.
To take a quote from Greys Anatomy...
Meredith said, Derek is the love of my life, but you are my soul mate. That is how I feel about you- minus the love of my life part. Hopefully that will come later. But Jenni, that's how I feel about our relationship. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything!
'good' byes
Tonight I had a little going away party. It was just a collection of girls from my area who I love and wanted to have one last night girls night with. Its funny how you 'collect' friends over the years. When you think back to how you met them, its funny who sticks around and who doesn't.
We had margaritas, chips and salsa, cinnamon chips and fruit salsa and brownies and cookies. It was a nice little spread, I must say. We hung out and talked, which of course girls do best. Then we had a little store run and we were back for a board game. It was a super casual night, with no real agenda. And without boys around, no fighting or cheating with the game either. LOL
I didn't think too much about the goodbyes at the end of the night. But as we came to the end, it started to get a little hard. We made it quick and sweet before anything got teary. But as soon as I closed the garage door, the tears started. I am friends with these girls, but never really thought that it would be this hard. They have been a blessing in my life. As little as I saw them, or as much, having them has meant so much to me. Knowing that they would always listen or go and have a girls night, was awesome. I am going to miss them so much. I don't even think that they know how much it means that they came over tonight.
My time in Washington is coming to an end. I am excited, but I am so sad. I expected to live here for the rest of my life. This was the place that I was ready to be. This was the place I called home. This is the place that I want to be. But the time has come to move on. I am ready. I am ready to say goodbye. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad. It is going to be so much harder than I ever thought.
So Washington, thank you. Thank you for your sunshine after rainy days. Thank you for having the most beautiful mountain that took my breath away every time. Thank you for having a cool city so close. Thank you for having amazing people and friends. Thank you for always being green. Thank you for not having extreme weather. Thank you for welcoming me and being home for the last 5 years. Thank you for holding some of the best memories of my life.
'Good' bye.
We had margaritas, chips and salsa, cinnamon chips and fruit salsa and brownies and cookies. It was a nice little spread, I must say. We hung out and talked, which of course girls do best. Then we had a little store run and we were back for a board game. It was a super casual night, with no real agenda. And without boys around, no fighting or cheating with the game either. LOL
I didn't think too much about the goodbyes at the end of the night. But as we came to the end, it started to get a little hard. We made it quick and sweet before anything got teary. But as soon as I closed the garage door, the tears started. I am friends with these girls, but never really thought that it would be this hard. They have been a blessing in my life. As little as I saw them, or as much, having them has meant so much to me. Knowing that they would always listen or go and have a girls night, was awesome. I am going to miss them so much. I don't even think that they know how much it means that they came over tonight.
My time in Washington is coming to an end. I am excited, but I am so sad. I expected to live here for the rest of my life. This was the place that I was ready to be. This was the place I called home. This is the place that I want to be. But the time has come to move on. I am ready. I am ready to say goodbye. But it doesn't mean I'm not sad. It is going to be so much harder than I ever thought.
So Washington, thank you. Thank you for your sunshine after rainy days. Thank you for having the most beautiful mountain that took my breath away every time. Thank you for having a cool city so close. Thank you for having amazing people and friends. Thank you for always being green. Thank you for not having extreme weather. Thank you for welcoming me and being home for the last 5 years. Thank you for holding some of the best memories of my life.
'Good' bye.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Oh My Child....
I am overwhelmed with my 4 year old. He is crazy. He is obstinate. He is tough.
But man, oh man, I sure love him. He keeps me on my toes every day. He is a fire cracker. Yes, I said fire cracker. (I am old now, remember?)
Even with the trials of raising a 4 year old, and his confusion of what is happening in life, I am still full of love for him. There are times, where its questionable though. I know its hard for some of you to read that. Maybe your kids are still young. Or maybe they are super sweet. But let me tell you, there are times where I just want to lock him in a closet. I don't....but I want to! :)
Here are some of the things I love about my Joshua. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. He knows how much I love purple. He comforts me when I cry. He is starting to really love his little brother. He is complicated. He is funny.
Like today, we celebrated together that his little brother stuck his tongue out. To most of you, that is not a big deal. But my baby is 2 and has never protruded his tongue. When I told Joshua that Lucas did it, he clapped and rubbed L's head. Its the simple things that make my life so wonderful and make me love my boys so much! I am so thankful that I can celebrate those things with him.
Sometimes its hard to remember that love. When he is hitting, talking back, throwing a fit, getting into trouble, its HARD to feel it. But I know its always there. It'll never go away. And I love that I always know that.
But man, oh man, I sure love him. He keeps me on my toes every day. He is a fire cracker. Yes, I said fire cracker. (I am old now, remember?)
Even with the trials of raising a 4 year old, and his confusion of what is happening in life, I am still full of love for him. There are times, where its questionable though. I know its hard for some of you to read that. Maybe your kids are still young. Or maybe they are super sweet. But let me tell you, there are times where I just want to lock him in a closet. I don't....but I want to! :)
Here are some of the things I love about my Joshua. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm not. He knows how much I love purple. He comforts me when I cry. He is starting to really love his little brother. He is complicated. He is funny.
Like today, we celebrated together that his little brother stuck his tongue out. To most of you, that is not a big deal. But my baby is 2 and has never protruded his tongue. When I told Joshua that Lucas did it, he clapped and rubbed L's head. Its the simple things that make my life so wonderful and make me love my boys so much! I am so thankful that I can celebrate those things with him.
Sometimes its hard to remember that love. When he is hitting, talking back, throwing a fit, getting into trouble, its HARD to feel it. But I know its always there. It'll never go away. And I love that I always know that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
