Its about time....

So, I am single. Yay.
(Please read that with heavy sarcasm.)

I am sick of being single. I guess I don't really know how to do it. I was with my ex-husband since I was at the young, stupid age of 18. We split when I was 30. Yeah, thats a long feakin time. I wasn't single very long before I started dating Brian. And even though we aren't together anymore, we had a pretty fantastic relationship. He fulfilled so much that I needed in my life at that time. He was supportive and he listened and made me smile everyday. He showed me attention and affection that I had never know while I was married. I know that Brian and I weren't meant to be together, but I am still thankful for him in my life when he was.

But now, here I sit.... alone. I try to figure out why I want a relationship so much. I am surrounded, ALL THE TIME, by people. I have two fabulous kids who I love more than anything. I take care of them, provide, love and encourage. I have two parents in my life everyday, who are my best friends. I share my daily life with them and they with me. They encourage me and love me and support me. They listen and comfort me.

So why do I feel the need for a man?

I have typed and erased quite a bit after asking myself that question. Nothing seemed to fit, but this:

I have love in my heart to give to a man. I lead an amazing and rewarding, but extremely challenging life, that I know only a special man can handle. I want so badly to find him, and give my love to him.

I've been lucky enough to have been through a bad realtionship and a good one (did I just actually say that?), to know what I want AND what I need. Sometimes, those lines get a little foggy, but I still have the list. I wonder if that man is out there? Seriously. Is that even realistic?

So here is the problem. I am extremely impatient. Bad.
Everyone tells me that I can't go searching for love and relationships. But why can't I? I know what I want. I have the list, remember?
Sitting around and waiting for some random man to knock on my door, or grab the same bunch of banana's at the grocery store, or sit next to me on the bus....NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. There are many reasons- people don't go knocking on doors anymore. There are usually like 50 bunches of bananas at the grocery store. The odds of that are ridiculous. And me, ride a bus in Watertown? Ain't gonna happen.


So anyway, this is my blog entry for today.
I want a man. I want to be in love. I want to find the one that will love me and my crazy, insane personality. Someone who wants me to bake them everything, who'll go run with me, hold my hand in the car, notice the little details, sing to me at inappropriate times, make mature decisions with me, make me smile and laugh everyday, no matter what. Someone who will let me be a picky eater, but make me try new things. I want a man who will melt my heart. Someone who will love my boys and understand their unique individual qualities, basically want the mess that is my life.

Is that too much to ask?!

Scatter-Brained

I've been wanting to write a blog lately, but I swear if I did, it would be some crazy concoction of my jumbled thoughts. Um, this should be interesting.

Let me start with a little update in case anyone actually doesn't know what is happening in our lives.

Joshua is doing great. We got off to a rather rocky beginning, but 'nazi-mom' took over and things are actually running pretty smoothly around here and at school. He is seriously becoming the best big brother to L that I could have ever asked for. He is helpful to me with everything and he starting to really turn into a little gentleman... well, one that thinks burps and armpit farts are hilarious and awesome!

Lucas is doing OK. He has been sick for the last 2 weeks or so. He missed school for about 6 days, but he is finally feeling better and is back at school. I stopped in to see him yesterday, his first day back, and he was all smiles. He was having a little dance party with Kelli and she said he was all giggles during therapy that morning. As usual, he is a little cuddle bug, but he is also becoming a little stinker. He has started hitting with excitement and with frustration- which is quite often with a 3 year old unable to communicate. So if you come near L, watch out!

Things with me are.....going. School is on the downward slope and we only have a few weeks left. A stressful few weeks for sure! But I can handle anything, right? Right.

I am not, let me repeat NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. My kids are going to WA without me for an entire week and I am beyond dreading it. I am contemplating drinking the whole week, just to cope. You'd think that I might be excited about a week off with no work, school or kids. But I am NOT. It was miserable being a mile down the road while they were in WA this summer. How the hell am I going to handle being 3000 miles away?? Ahhhh.... I'm freaking out.

ANYWAY, maybe this lame post will get me back into the swing of things with posting again. I really want to write about love and loneliness and waiting, but this isn't the time or the blog. ;-)

First Days of School 2011

Well, this week marks a brand new adventure for all 3 of us. My days of being a stay at home mom are long behind me. Both my kids are in school and they are no longer my little babies.

Joshua entered first grade! I can't believe my little 5 year old is in first grade!! Time has flown by. We've gotten off to a rocky start this week with switching to a new classroom, new teacher and new friends. But we are hoping that rest and a relaxing weekend will bring a new and great week of school.


Lucas has had his little world turned upside down this week. Our little daily routines at home are gone and replaced with new, earlier, faster ones! He started special education preschool at a local facility. And let me just say, it is awesome! His classroom has a preschool teacher, a special education preschool teacher and is filled with aides. Lucas has a one-to-one aide that is with him all day helping him with his daily tasks. We met her yesterday for the first day, while mommy hung out at preschool too. Her name is Kelli and she is great. I just know that he will be in good hands, getting enough love and hard work to keep him comfortable. While he is in school during the week, Lucas will receive speech therapy daily with the head of the speech department. He will also be receiving PT and OT 4 times a week with the same therapists that we have had since last year. I am beyond excited to watch Lucas learn and grown. Just in the last month or so, he has made leaps and bounds with words and communication. His comprehension has grown and he is even signing about 5 words and picking them up fast! The preschool has an open door policy, which I love. I can pop in whenever I want. I can participate with therapies, or lunch or just hang out. It is so exciting.



My classes are going well too. I am just taking 2 classes and I am not working. They way that my classes and Lab fell, working while the kids were in school wasn't going to happen. So the next few months will be tight, but being home with them at night is worth it! I am taking microbiology this semester and it is going to be tough. But so far, it is pretty neat. The Lab has turned out pretty cool though. We are growing some pretty cool bacteria! Haha.

Our weather has already turned as well. I can't believe how fast it changed. Fall is here and soon...winter. I am NOT ready for it. But at least we can look forward to spring, right?

Poem #2

I can count thousands of lies that came from your mouth.

I’ll be up by noon. I’ll take out the trash. I’ll vacuum the floors.

Simple lies, they were.


I’ll never cheat on you again I’ll never get drunk again I’ll never ‘almost’ kill you;

again.

They flowed from your mouth like honey.

Every one of them, believable.


I stayed too many years.

I believed too many times.

I told myself too many lies.

He’ll be up by noon he’ll take out the trash he’ll vacuum the floors.

He’ll never cheat on me again. He’ll never get drunk like that again. He’ll never ‘almost’ kill me;

again.

I hate that I loved you.

I hate that I wasted my life with you.

I hate that you are filled with garbage.




I hope you never change.

I hope you always speak lies.

I hope you never have another someone believe the never-ending, backwards, bull shit that comes from your mouth.

For you are undeserving.

you' are worthless.

you' are LIES.

What hurts the most.....

Let me preface this blog entry with a few things. I do not miss my ex-husband. There isn't a thing that comes to mind that I miss about him. And if there were, I would share them.... probably. I am happy with the way my life and my children's lives are going. But, I do miss certain things; like having my own home and a family with in laws and cousins. Which brings me to my entry today. For some time I have been wanting to write my true feelings, but have been hesitant because I really don't want to upset anyone. But at this point in my life, why should I hide my feelings...?

Looking back at what took place in marriage should not surprise any one. If you knew us, you knew that there wasn't much optimism in our marriage and there wasn't much shock as to how it ended. I was NOT surprised about what my husband did to me. And I am pretty sure we all knew it would end this way.
What I am surprised by, and most hurt by, is the way the family has treated me. I honestly thought by now that I would have 'gotten over' this entire thing. But sadly, I am human, and I hurt just like the rest of 'em.
My mother in law and I became good friends when I first moved to WA in 2005. She was the only friend I had and our friendship blossomed over the 5 years that I was there. I considered her one of my best friends and I knew how lucky I was to have her as my mother in law. She was amazing to me and my children over the years. I knew that from the bottom of her heart she loved me and that she would never desert me. In the beginning of 2010, I was struggling with my marriage and doubting if I still loved my husband. She encouraged me to really figure it out and if that if I didn't love him, I should leave. When we did separate, her and my father in law both told me to my face that no matter what happened, 'I would always be their daughter and that they would always love me'.

When I left WA for NY for the summer to figure my life out, I came back to a different family. The family that I was once a part of, was gone. Something happened to them while I was away, something that I will never understand. I came in to a cold, stiff home; to a family that I didn't belong to anymore. Over the course of the next 3 months, I was pushed away and treated so poorly, that I never doubted my decision to stay in WA with my children. I know that if I had been treated as a real daughter, moving across the country would have been completely different and our lives today would be much easier.

I look back on the years that I spent in that family, and I am heart broken. I longed for a close knit family with aunts and uncles and cousins that were connected. A family where we celebrated birthdays and holidays together; where we had game nights and dinners out. When I met this family I made them my own. I loved each one of them and tried my best to bring the family together. I loved every game night and holiday; Christmas', Thanksgivings and Easters. I poured my heart and soul into that family. I even had a favorite cookie list for each and everyone of them so that I could always know what they loved the most. So when it came time for me to leave, I couldn't believe the coldness that I felt.



I wrote this blog entry on Sunday night and saved it for a few days. I've actually written a similar note quite a few times and just never thought it was the right timing. But I received a hateful email from my once beloved mother in law this morning and I know now that it doesn't matter what I say or do. They are oblivious to what really happened and oblivious to what love really means.

I write this blog for myself. Writing helps me communicate. It helps me heal. It helps me live. I am sorry if someone reads my blog and gets offended or angry. It is your choice to read or not to read. I write HONEST feelings and I write what needs to be said.

Summer Fun!

Well, summer is here. Its actually almost over! Which makes me quite sad. But I am excited for the new school year all the same!

We've had a pretty exciting summer so far. The boys and I flew to Washington for 2 weeks so that they could visit with their dad. In the beginning, 2 weeks of a mommy vacation sounded terrific. But as the time came closer, I was dreading it. It was not a carefree 2 weeks that I had anticipated. I was an emotional wreck! I knew that the kids were being taken care of just fine. It was just that I wasn't with them. I didn't know what their daily lives held. It was awful! Completely.
I haven't cried much at all since moving away from Washington. I think maybe once when I really missed my friends. But other than that, there haven't been many tears. But the day that I found out my kids went to my old house where there dad lives with his girlfriend, I sobbed. I hate the fact that he took them there. This was the house we lived in as a family and had our lives together. And now he lives there with his new family. He has changed their rooms and all their stuff. It broke my heart. I know that Joshua doesn't probably think much of it now. But I can only imagine what it might do to him down the road. I struggle with him feeling 'replaced' by this new family. I know that I have been replaced, and quite easily by the looks of things. But seeing my kids replaced is just heart breaking.

Once we got back from WA, we packed up for a road trip to West Virginia! My mothers family was having a reunion and so we trekked on down and had a great weekend with the family. It was great spending time with my brother Joel and his wife Kristen and baby Jack and my parents. And it was a bonus to see the relatives too! We had about 24 hours of driving total over the course of the 5 day weekend and my boys did amazing. And as a bonus, I got a nice tan. :-)


So now we count down until school starts. I start up college in the fall and the boys start a week later. The way that my schedule is working out, I won't be able to fit work in there, so I am going to be on a major budget crunch. Not that I don't 'try' to do that now.....

Joshua is starting first grade. It amazed me that my 5 year old is going into first grade! I can't believe how grown up he is. And now my little baby Lucas is starting school too! That is freaking me out. I will cry. Dang, it'll be bad. He'll be riding the bus to school and spending a full day at preschool. He will have a one-to-one aid with him all day, everyday. She will be helping him with everything from feeding to his therapies and participating in classroom activities. He'll be receiving speech 5 times a week and PT/OT 4 times a week. I can not wait to see the progress he'll make! He is already succeeding with therapies at home being seen half that amount. It's going to be amazing!!!

Well, I will hopefully be updating more often. I have been holding a lot of feelings in lately that need to get out, or they might burst. So be tuned in for that one! LOL

Handling It?

Funny how people say to me that I am 'handling' it so well. Handling it? Yes, I am handling life. Why, what is not handling it?

I'm a wreck today. Life is getting to me. Stress of being a single mom and being alone. I understand that I am not actually alone. I do, in fact, have 2 kids. And I have the help of my parents who do so much for me with my boys. But in reality, I am alone.

I am having a rough time with my boys right now. I know that at every age and stage in life, I will struggle. But Lucas' needs are getting harder and harder. He can't walk, talk or communicate. He throws, hits and pulls hair. He's a happy boy, most of the time and everyone loves him, but there are just times where he is so difficult. It is really getting hard to go places with him, something that I am struggling with on a personal level as well.
I've always been a go-go-go kind of girl. Nothing every really stopped me. I've always traveled with my kids and did whatever I wanted with them. But now, there is a real halt on that. I'm not sure if its a selfish thing on my part and I just need to deal with it; Or if its something that will pass and I will figure out a way to adjust to it. But taking Lucas everywhere is getting to be nearly impossible.

Another part of my emotion is my boyfriend. He is an amazing guy. Period. We are all so happy when we are with him. And He thinks my kids are great. But he doesn't have kids and hasn't really been around kids much at all. So enter.... the 3 of US. First there is me. 31 year old, emotional, college student, single mom, living at home. 5 year old, active, mouthy, CRAZY kid. 2 1/2 year old physically and mentally disabled baby. I know he wants to be with us. But man, I can not imagine being in his shoes. We must be a sight. How he is still around is beyond me. I worry that we are going to just be too much and scare him away. (Even though, deep down I know the truth)

I just don't know what to do. This life I was given, and these choices that I made, sure have lead up to a crazy time. I worry that I won't be able to 'handle it'. I worry that I will be alone. I worry that I won't be able to get a grasp on this parenting thing and fail.

A moment to write. Just a moment to read.

The blood made him snap.

It changed him back to the husband I knew.

It came from the call I tried to make,

The ripping of the phone out of my hands,

As I huddled on the bathroom floor.

Helpless tears came, along with the

Life altering fear that never left my body.

Every drink, no matter if just one;

Brought that same fear back,

Every.single.time.

For six long years.

The names I was called, will never be forgotten.

The moment I thought I might die,

will never be forgotten.

He will never be forgotten.


I've been wanting to write about some experiences I've had over the years ever since I started my English class. We aren't writing, but when I've got something to say, I HAVE to say it.

Victory!

Well, a year has come and gone and I've done it!! I have made my goal! I set out to reach a specific weight and 6 months later, I did it! I've maintained that weight for the last 6 months, and I couldn't be prouder. Through all of the stress and craziness my life has had, I stayed strong with the help of an amazing friend and weight loss partner. I am so thankful for her support and encouragment. Thank you Jenni!! Here's to the next goal....

What? A boyfriend?

Well, its true. I have a boyfriend! It sounds silly to me. I am 30, a mother of 2 and I have a boyfriend. Haha. I sound 18. But, on the bright side, I feel 18 too.

I wrote a little about him in my last post. His name is Brian. I met him a while ago, before I was EVER interested in having a boyfriend. We met and became really good friends. One of my best friends, actually. Once I moved here, we started to spend time together and our friendship grew. Its was amazing how well we seemed to 'fit'. We understand each other on a level I didn't even know existed. (Gosh, that sounds cheesy.)

B, as we call him around here, is amazing. I won't call him perfect, because he isn't. But there are so many things about him that are so wonderful. I think the most important thing about him, the most wonderful thing, is that he is honest. We talk about everything, no matter what it is. We are honest and straight forward with everything. We are older, and we see what lies ahead of us, so there isn't any use in hiding anything.

It's pretty awesome to have someone in your life who actually thinks you are amazing too. I know he likes me. I know he wants to be with me. Its something that I've never felt before, truthfully. I believe what he says, and that is priceless.

Another thing that is awesome.... he likes my kiddos. We've kept it very casual around them. They just know that he is the fun guy that comes around and plays and wrestles. So they think he's pretty cool too. But with me, comes them. I worried that I would never find someone who would someday, love me for me, and then love my kids individually too. But I didn't even have to search, he just showed up!!

I never knew a relationship could be like this. I never knew I could be so happy. I never knew that just being around someone could make me feel so secure, happy, and excited about the future.

I am so thankful for the timing we have. We met unexpectedly. We became friends unexpectedly. I feel beyond lucky to have him in my life.

A Mother's Love

Every night, before I go to sleep, I sneak into my boys' dark room and I tuck them in. It is my favorite part of the day. Joshua removes the sheet and blanket and only uses his comforter, every single night. So I re-adjust the blanket 'situation', kiss his forehead and whisper that I love him. And Lucas always kicks off his favorite, baby blue, handmade blanket, and somehow turns himself sideways. So I cover him up, turn him in the right direction and rub his little head.

Without fail, this happens every night, and right on cue, I get butterflies.

I love that after 5 years of being a mom, I still get butterflies in my stomach with the overwhelming love I have for my kids. I don't know if this happens to other moms, and I don't actually care. I just love it. It is a perfect moment, in my chaotic life.

I remember a time back when I first had Lucas. I had loved him from the time I found out I was pregnant. But I wasn't 'in love' with him right away. And it didn't come immediatly for me. With so many health problems and issues, I wasn't able to be with him or hold him much. I loved him, but that amazing 'mommy moment' didn't happen for while. It came about a week later, once I was able to hold him in my arms and see that precious gift face to face. It shocks me still, that there could have been a time I didn't feel what I feel now. But knowing that my love overflows for that child, makes it all OK.

Sometimes I worry about what the future holds for my little Lucas. He is the most charming and sweet child that anyone could meet. He makes grown men melt and women swoon. He is adorable and funny and always willing to go to anyone. He is just wonderful. But I worry that as he gets older, and his frustrations with communication and mobility get more difficult, so will he. I am afraid that people won't see that sweet adorable child anymore and they might start looking down at my angel. I know that I shouldn't worry about something that I have no control over, but I just want the best for him and want people to know who he really is. I just hope that no matter what, he can keep his charm and that people will always see the real Lucas.

I know that I was destined to be a mom. I have always known that. Most of the time I wish I were better at it. I guess I thought I would be. But I know that there is no way I could ever love them more. It's interesting to think about my childrens specific personalities and wonder what God was thinking when he gave them to me.

Joshua is a strong willed, resilient child. Outgoing, polite, and boundary pushing. I have always set limits and he's always pushed them. I am hoping that standing my ground for so long with him, will pay off and he'll turn that corner to understanding soon.

Lucas is sweet and loving and a high maintanence child. From pregnancy he has tested my strength as a woman and mother, and every step has paid off.

I think God knew what he was doing when He gave me those boys. He knew I had this strength in there, and I guess He knew I could handle raising these kids alone.

Another Sappy Blog Post....

As Valentine's Day approaches, I keep hearing people talk about how they don't 'believe in' Valentine's Day. They say its a made up holiday for companies to make money. But really, why can't we have a day to celebrate love and the people we love? For me, its nice to take the time out of my busy life and think about the people who I love and cherish and those who love me. How blessed am I that I have people around me, who love me, in spite of my many faults and failures. They love me when I yell, look a mess, don't clean, am cranky, moody and emotional. They love me for who I am, to the core, and I am so very thankful.



This year, I am celebrating Valentine's Day with a new valentine. His name is Brian. He is my friend. Actually, he is becoming one of my very best friends . He is sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, hard working, caring and just plain crazy. We have a special friendship, one that is honest and open and we both know that all we have is time and there absolutely no need to rush anything.



I am thankful to have such amazing people surrounding me. I get boggled down by bills and stress and school and time and work and life---BUT I am always thankful for the friends and family around me. I don't think that a day goes by where I am not reminded of how lucky I am.



I swear, I am NOT this positive and cheerful. For some reason, it all comes out sappy theses days. But what happens is this; I roll out of bed, not wanting to get up. I get my kid up for school and my parents are both up in the kitchen. We usually are in each others way, mom is running late, dad is taking his time. I get the baby up and in his highchair as I scurry to get Joshua ready for the bus, which is ALWAYS late. While I try to get my act together, someone is usually entertaining the baby. Once we are finally out the door, I realize what a MESS I made of my parents routine and how thankful I am that they took us in.



There is always a thought of how our day 'used' to run. Always a thought about how my parents days 'used' to run. But I know that they are happy. And I know that we are happy. Thats what matters, right?



Then there is Jen. Like clockwork, she calls me. Every morning and every evening. Even when I'm unavailable, even when I'm at work, she's always thinking of me. There is always a thought about what our days 'used' to be like. But, we're happy now, right?



See, I'm not sappy. Its more of a reflection. I'm good at that whole thing. Thats what led to my giant life change last year. Reflection. LOL I'm just good at seeing the 'bigger picture' or whatever.



Either way, I don't deserve all the love I get from these people. For some reason, they love me anyway. So, happy Valentine's day......

Hmmm, who am I?

Well, its official now. OK, it was official a few weeks ago when I actually paid the tuition. But now its really, really official. Ha. I got my JCC student ID today. Its quite strange. I feel so weird about my position in life right now. I feel like a 20 year old college kid, with 2 children and 30 years of life experiences. Its weird. Really weird.

I can not believe that I start classes Monday. Its very surreal. It doesn't feel like its really happening. But come Monday, I'll be sitting there with a new notebook and a literature book in my lap. Hmmm, I should probably find out where my class is......

There is a lot happening in my life and I've pushed back a lot of other things that need to be dealt with now. We are finally seeing specialists for Lucas. Most of them are in Syracuse, which I fully expected. Not a huge deal, except, I really don't have any time to actually go to Syracuse. An hour drive there, 1-2 hours with the doctors and an hour back. Um, yeah, I just don't have that kind of time these days. Its a little scary looking at my pending schedule.

I've contemplated quitting my job. I really enjoy working there. Its fun, and I am surrounded by a lot of happy people. Its a calm environment and its stress free. BUT, I don't make much money there, and I don't actually work many hours. And by the looks of my schedule, I might be needing those hours in the week to be with Lucas and doing therapies and appointments. The problem is, I hate to make it inconvenient for them and I don't want to disappoint anyone at work. I really like them and I know that I am wanted and needed there. Its silly really. I don't know what to do.

So, I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks. All I know is that I CAN do this. I can juggle a lot of stuff. I've done it before- it was just different things. Hopefully I don't drop anything.....