At a Loss

I've been having a rough week. Normal for my life right now. Normal for my life, in general. Since I've been in NY the last 3 weeks, I've faced the facts that I'll probably be moving. Now don't get me wrong, I love New York. I love the people here, the food, the beauty. But I LOVE Washington. I mean, really, really, love it there. The weather is pretty great. The activities are great. Man, its just fricken great. But knowing that I need to be somewhere else is a struggle. I need my family. I need New York.

So the last couple of days I've felt lost. I've felt like I don't belong anywhere. I know that I am loved. I am loved by people here and there. Loved by people everywhere! (LOL Sorry, too much Dr's Suess)

I know who I am. And that has always meant that I can fit in anywhere. So this is a new feeling for me. I've moved to new places. Met new peple, time and time again. But having my life ripped away and feeling lost, is the strangest part.
When you add that I've lost weight and started exercizing, I feel like I have a new body too. I went from knowing who I am to being someone who is lost.

I was: the chubby, stay at home mom and wife who baked, cooked and cleaned.
I am: newly single, running, thinner mommy who is gonna start college again and get a job

What? Its nuts!

So I guess that I need to start figuring out who I am now. I know that I will always be fun, ready to laugh, excited about life (soon again, I hope) loving, friendly, opinionated, cranky, chocolate loving, straight forward, honest and generous.

Way to go Momma

I've always been the chubby one. Even when I was skinnier, I somehow was still the chubby one. LOL Its followed me around, forever! When I was younger I didn't have a lot of friends. I went to tiny school, lived in the country and had no life. So food became my friend. It was a comfort when I was alone. So fast forward 20 years, and this is what you get. An emotional woman, who is an emotional eater. Food has always been by my side through all my struggles. I've tried to get into exercising. Tried to limit quantities, specifics, but nothing. I would lose and gain. Lose and gain. Lose and gain.

Well, over the last 3 months, I started working out. Regularly. Everyday. Its crazy, I know! The weight started coming off, slowly. But I didn't care. I just wanted it to go away.

I came to NY not knowing how I would continue my workouts. I thought about running, but I am NOT a runner. My ankles hurt, my knees, my boobs. I told myself I would at least walk. Well, I decided to try and run and see what happened. And guess what! I did it. I started at 2 miles and I've been adding to it ever since.

If you add the fact that I wasn't eating due to poor life choices of a certain someone in my life, I dropped some significant weight fast. For once in my life, I wasn't emotionally eating. I was stressed, emotional, angry and full of adrenaline. And well, I turned it into something positive.

I dropped 9 pounds in a 2 week period. 12 pounds from my last weigh-in in WA. It was shocking! I hit 30 pounds weight loss, and I am still going. I am so proud of myself. Excited to see what my body can look like. Excited to see how I can actually be in control of this one thing for the first time ever!

So anyway, I just wanted to share. I am proud of myself, and that never happens!

The Real World

So our life have been a bit crazy these days. I've been putting off sharing the truth because it didn't 'need' to be out there. But I think that its time to share and let the world know.

I'm all about honesty in my life. Even if it makes me sound crazy, mean or just plain annoying. But that is how I am choosing to live my life, and that is my choice. I think that if you can't be honest, why bother opening yourself to a person at all.

Josh and I separated a few months ago. I've shared before of some of our struggles over the years. I've never gone into detail about anything, and I still won't. But its been an extremely difficult marriage for the past 10 years. But everyone knew that. We've dealt with things that some people only dream of.

I will leave the details out of this post. Basically, we are no longer pursuing our marriage. Its sad, but it is for the best interest of myself and the kids. I've promised Josh that no matter what happens, the feelings we have, that the kids will always know that they were conceived in love. They will know that there was love, once, and that they will ALWAYS be loved. I am sad that they won't get to grow up with 2 loving parents like I did. But I know that their lives will be happy and that I will give them everything they need and support them through anything!

Emotionally, I am doing pretty well. I am in New York on vacation right now. This was not what I planned on happening while I was here. But if that's how things go, that's how they go. My family has been amazing, and have been everything that I want/need them to be. I have hope for our future. I know that I am strong enough for this. I know that what I can't deal with, I can give it up to Someone who can.

I will continue with my blog through this. I've been putting off writing, because I didn't want to cover up my life with 'stuff'. But now that this is out in the open, I can write freely.

Thanks for the love and support. If you really want to chat, feel free to email me or Facebook me.