Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Struggle

Deep.

I struggle weekly with being a mom.

Growing up all I ever did was play house. I was the mom to all the neighborhood kids. I was mom to the dogs, cats, whomever would play with me. I always dreamed of blissful motherhood. As I grew older and struggled to concieve, I pictured beautiful, talented amazing kids growing older, being popular and becoming doctors.

As the years went on, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby in the world. (Its true) He was so easy, content and healthy. I would get stopped every day and be told how beautiful he was, even by men. Then he grew. He's now 3 1/2. What a crack up. He drives me nuts, he can be such a brat, but he's hilarious and I love him to death. I wouldn't trade him for anything. (Most of the time)

A few more years went by and I gave birth to another child. A sweet baby. But completely different than child #1. He is not healthy, not easy. Of course, I think he's beautiful. But this one has thrown me for a loop. He challenges me daily. But I love him more than anything.

My dreams of motherhood were nothing like I am experiencing. Its a hard reality. I must admit I do not have the kid who throws a tantrum on the floor of the store because he isn't getting a candy bar. He might try, but I would NOT let that happen. I swore I wouldn't and I've stuck to it. But by all means, I don't have the quiet kid who sits and always says please and thank you every single time. There are times I think I might break. There are times I think I seriously might lose my mind. There are times I think I want to quit. This is not easy. Period.

I have a cousin with Down's Syndrome. He was so funny. We would always have such a fun time with him when he came to visit. I recall a conversation about him with my dad when I was probably 14 or so. I remember saying that I don't think I could handle having a kid with Downs. But my dad said enouragingly, 'Of course you could. And you would do so great!'. What? Little does he know...... Just kidding.

Being Lucas mom is hard.

Being Lucas' mom is rewarding.

Being Lucas' mom is a struggle.

Being Lucas' mom is so amazing.

I love it. (Most of the time)

I don't think that I've ever gone through that 'woe is me' bit. Ok, I did. way back in the beginnging when I was pregnant. But not since Lucas was born. I do go through the, 'I don't think I'm cut out for this' bit though.

A few weeks ago when I was with my mom I told her that I didn't understand why God gave me Lucas. I am not patient, or kind hearted. She said to me 'I think I am patient and kind hearted, and I don't think I could go through it either'. Thanks mom. LOL. She saw first hand how hard it can be. I was in NY for 5 days and day 3 he was sick.
That next week as I talked with my friend Jenni, I told her what I said. She told me 'God probably gave you Lucas to make you patient and kind hearted'. Well said Jenni. Well said.

This is just a glimpse inside my head. I go back and forth every single day. I don't understand how I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. And then I am so thankful for that little boy that I forget about the work that comes with him.

This was a crazy post. I understand that. But welcome to my world! ;o)

5 comments:

Montefusco Family said...

Uhh yeah. Deep.
So I was thinking exactly what Jenni said.
I've always thought that God put the infertility block in my way for two reasons. So that I would learn a little patience before my baby came and to truly learn to want this baby long before she came so that when the crying nights and whining came I could look back and remember the longings of my heart, sigh, and deal with her w/o resorting to anger.
I think He did it to make me a better person.
I think He did it to make you a better person too.
I know you rock and so I am assuming that His great plan is working.
;)
Love ya Rach!

Kristi said...

I think this is a great blog! Being a mother is hard no matter if your child is healthy, sick, strong willed, or easy going. You are doing a great job...hang in there. You can see you are doing a good job by Lucas' smiles in your pictures. :o)

IdahoGirl said...

Oh Sweetie...my heart goes out ot you. I have the "I'm not cut out for this" feelings and I have a completely healthy child. God did bring Lucas to you in order to teach you something, whatever that may be...

I'll be thinking of you and praying that Lucas continues to improve and make things a little easier.

Gary and Samantha said...

Rach, your a strong person, and God doesn't give us anything we can't handle (at least thats what they tell me). But know that you have His love and the love of others to help you through this. You are an excellent mom and Im sure Lucas and Joshua wouldnt want anyone else.

((hugs))

Sam

Rachel 'The housewife' said...

Thanks so much girls. I read my blog again this morning. Deep is right. LOL. I am glad that I am a person who doesn't keep stuff in. I think I might go nuts.

My MIL just called me and asked if I was ok. LOL. She should know me by now!

Thanks for loving and supporting me!