The Struggle

Deep.

I struggle weekly with being a mom.

Growing up all I ever did was play house. I was the mom to all the neighborhood kids. I was mom to the dogs, cats, whomever would play with me. I always dreamed of blissful motherhood. As I grew older and struggled to concieve, I pictured beautiful, talented amazing kids growing older, being popular and becoming doctors.

As the years went on, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby in the world. (Its true) He was so easy, content and healthy. I would get stopped every day and be told how beautiful he was, even by men. Then he grew. He's now 3 1/2. What a crack up. He drives me nuts, he can be such a brat, but he's hilarious and I love him to death. I wouldn't trade him for anything. (Most of the time)

A few more years went by and I gave birth to another child. A sweet baby. But completely different than child #1. He is not healthy, not easy. Of course, I think he's beautiful. But this one has thrown me for a loop. He challenges me daily. But I love him more than anything.

My dreams of motherhood were nothing like I am experiencing. Its a hard reality. I must admit I do not have the kid who throws a tantrum on the floor of the store because he isn't getting a candy bar. He might try, but I would NOT let that happen. I swore I wouldn't and I've stuck to it. But by all means, I don't have the quiet kid who sits and always says please and thank you every single time. There are times I think I might break. There are times I think I seriously might lose my mind. There are times I think I want to quit. This is not easy. Period.

I have a cousin with Down's Syndrome. He was so funny. We would always have such a fun time with him when he came to visit. I recall a conversation about him with my dad when I was probably 14 or so. I remember saying that I don't think I could handle having a kid with Downs. But my dad said enouragingly, 'Of course you could. And you would do so great!'. What? Little does he know...... Just kidding.

Being Lucas mom is hard.

Being Lucas' mom is rewarding.

Being Lucas' mom is a struggle.

Being Lucas' mom is so amazing.

I love it. (Most of the time)

I don't think that I've ever gone through that 'woe is me' bit. Ok, I did. way back in the beginnging when I was pregnant. But not since Lucas was born. I do go through the, 'I don't think I'm cut out for this' bit though.

A few weeks ago when I was with my mom I told her that I didn't understand why God gave me Lucas. I am not patient, or kind hearted. She said to me 'I think I am patient and kind hearted, and I don't think I could go through it either'. Thanks mom. LOL. She saw first hand how hard it can be. I was in NY for 5 days and day 3 he was sick.

That next week as I talked with my friend Jenni, I told her what I said. She told me 'God probably gave you Lucas to make you patient and kind hearted'. Well said Jenni. Well said.

This is just a glimpse inside my head. I go back and forth every single day. I don't understand how I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. And then I am so thankful for that little boy that I forget about the work that comes with him.

This was a crazy post. I understand that. But welcome to my world! ;o)